When you read the title of this blog, there is a good chance you won’t think it’s for you.
My intended reader knows something is wrong with the relationship, but she hasn’t connected to her own anger yet. Maybe she is laser-focused on the things her partner is doing that don’t make sense:
“Why does he say those hurtful things?”
“Why does she drink so much?”
“Why do they tell me I’m the one making them act this way?”
Maybe you know someone who is angry all the time. Maybe you are reading because that someone is angry at you.
No, you dear reader, are probably not my intended audience. But in case you are, or if right now you are thinking of someone who might be, then I invite you to read on. First, I’m going to tell you about the origins of anger, why it persists from the past into the present, and how it affects everything. Next, I will help you live with someone who is angry at you. Finally, I’ll speak to the anger-sufferer and help her prepare with tools and strategies. Here goes.
The Slow Lumberjack
Imagine you have a neighbor who decides to cut down a tree. He’s never done it before so he just rents the axe (I don’t know if you can actually rent an axe, but let’s just say he’s not invested enough in tree cutting to actually buy an axe, so he rents one). Watching from your window, you see him walk up to the tree, axe in hand, and just stand there. Slowly and with some effort, he lifts it by the handle and backswings like it’s a baseball bat. He swings (batter batter) like he’s putting a fastball over the fence and connects with the tree. Just as quickly he drops the axe and yells “Ouch!” (Or something like that. You’re no lip reader but you’ve watched enough professional sports on TV to recognize an F-bomb when you see it). He picks up the axe like he’s grabbing the hand of a naughty toddler and stomps to his garage, where he is enveloped by the shadow of his SUV.
Every few weeks he repeats the pattern, almost like he’s got axe amnesia. Swinging an axe against a healthy tree seems to be pretty painful for him but once a month there he is, swinging away. Good news is the tree seems to be winning. Bad news, the tree is covered with the evidence of his lumberjack incompetence. Even when he eventually gives up and plants some flowers and hangs a bird feeder nearby it can’t disguise the very obvious scars on the tree. After a few years of no lumberjacking though, the scars seem to fade and the tree almost looks like any other tree in the yard.
But it’s not. Anyone who’s taken a field trip to an arboretum and checked out that cool cross-section of a tree while the docent explained all of the fires, frosts, and general pandemonium the tree survived before some asshat cut it down and put it in an arboretum knows the scars are always there. They may get covered by a woody grow ring, but the damage remains part of the tree’s history.
People experience the same kind of scarring. Just like years of sun and rain can’t heal an axe mark, second honeymoons to Cozumel and flowers ‘just because’ do not heal the trauma caused by harmful words. The body maintains the record. According to John H. Krystal, M.D., of Yale University School of Medicine [https://www.bbrfoundation.org/faq/frequently-asked-questions-about-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd] in some cases, particularly where it is not treated, trauma can last a very long time, perhaps the remainder of one’s life.
Hello Lumberjack
What is trauma? How do I know when I have hurt someone? Why wasn’t I told this when I got into a relationship? Will there be snacks?
If you are reading this and you think possibly YOU are the ‘lumberjack’ in this metaphor, then welcome to the human race. We’ve all hurt someone. Whether inadvertently or intentionally, we have all said things that leave scars. To make it even more complicated, pain is personal. What wounds me may not affect you. The past definitely plays a role (think childhood, family of origin, traumatic experiences) but so do current stress levels and physical health. The important point for now is for you to recognize deciding what is ‘hurtful’ or ‘not hurtful’ for someone else based on what hurts YOU is a lousy idea.
Tools for Recovering Lumberjacks
If you are living with someone who is angry and you suspect you are the lumberjack, you are in the right place. I want to help you exchange your axe for some better tools (even better than landscaping). They are: Social Cues and Feedback.
But first, some context.
I want you to think back to the last time you were at a gathering with your parents’ friends, or a lunch with your grandparents, or a dinner meeting with those business partners you just met. What you may not have realized while you were sipping your iced tea or Jim Beam, is that your amazing limbic system was on high alert. Like a glandular Mr. Miyagi it was helping you react appropriately to perceived threats in your environment we call Social Cues and Feedback.
- Social Cues are general behaviors exhibited by one or more conversation companions in your general vicinity. Cues can include changes in voice tone, a certain phrase, or even a step toward the door. They can let you know your new boss is politely exiting your company, Mrs. Jones would like a refill on her iced tea, or grandpa needs help reaching the photo album.
- Similar to social cues, Feedback is a subtle signal from a single conversation partner. Think of it as a ‘red light’ or a ‘green light.’ Smiles, nods, conversation extenders, and words of affirmation can signal green light; dig in and explain why you should head the next project or be the beneficiary on Aunt Edna’s life insurance policy. Frowns, parallel lines appearing between the eyebrows, or hands palms up can signal red light; your conversation partner is defensive, you made a wrong move you need to correct, or you just landed an axe chop you must apologize and make amends for.
Angry Little Trees
Recovering Lumberjacks must make apologies and amends if they want to preserve the relationship (see my blog on what makes a good apology here) but what about the injured tree? What about the anger-sufferer who is reading this and it’s dawning on them that, “Hey, this blog IS about me and I AM ANGRY!”
- First, validate the anger. Whatever the Lumberjack did, it really happened. It really happened to you. It really happened to you and it hurt. It is not your responsibility to reform the Lumberjack or be a better tree. You did not cause your own pain and so it is not your job to ‘feel better’ because it is ‘in the past.’
- Second, recognize that intention, only matters after an effective apology and amends. “I didn’t mean to run over your dog,” doesn’t bring your dog back to life. Many Lumberjacks feel like if they can just explain how bad they feel, or how they didn’t mean to do it, somehow that will make everything OK and you should forgive them (see my blog on forgiveness here). Awwww contraire mon frere. A Lumberjack informing the tree how bad THEY feel after each chop is not amends. It is a pain competition.
- Finally, and sadly, sometimes an angry tree’s best tool is a boundary (see my article on boundaries here). Giving up anger can only happen when you feel safe, and nobody is safe in a pain competition. In fact, you may be experiencing gaslighting.
Knowing the origins of anger, why it persists from the past into the present, and how it affects everything is handy when you are a Lumberjack living with someone who is angry with you. It can also help if you are an angry tree trying to live with a Lumberjack in recovery. Counseling can help you both find a path back to a good relationship through amends and healthy boundaries.
Not so much if you are the scar-covered tree living with a skilled Lumberjack. If you feel you are a victim of gaslighting please do a You Tube search for ‘gaslighting,’ ‘emotional abuse,’ and ‘psychological abuse.’ Close your eyes and listen to the videos. If you are a victim of gaslighting get help today. You don’t have to fix this on your own, you don’t have to prove you are in pain, and you don’t have to do this by yourself. You don’t have to be angry anymore.
Tags: communication, marriage, relationships
