Till Money do Us Part

As I go back and look at my blogs I like to reflect on how counter intuitive they are. Some may seem like a relief, others a surprise, but a disappointment? Rarely. Until today, that is. The one I’m writing today is, I believe, an absolute buzz kill. Why? Because I’m going to talk about something sacred and powerful, vital to marriage, and one of the most common reasons for divorce. No, it’s not sex. It’s money.

When couples decide to ‘get serious,’ it’s not sex or living quarters on the table, it’s the individual bank accounts. Combining bank accounts is as much a tradition for newlyweds as something borrowed and something blue. Before the Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1974 and it’s  stipulation that allowed women to establish their own credit history, joint accounts were an entrenched cultural tradition. So why is that a problem?

Money and Power

Problematic dependency is a recurring theme in most marriages. Struggles surrounding ‘who depends on whom for what’ are normal as roles and rules are negotiated, re-negotiated, decided, and re-decided.

“I’m in charge of our laundry because that’s how my mom did it.”

“But you just ruined all my dress shirts.”

“[Secretly cheering] Fine. Do your own laundry.”

“[Secretly cheering] If that’s what you really want. OK.”

In the new AMC show ‘Kevin Can Go F#@ck Himself’ the wife played by Annie Murphy from Schitt’s Creek realizes she’s been a victim of problematic dependency when she finds her shared bank account has been emptied by her husband (https://www.salon.com/2021/06/27/kevin-can-f-himself-joint-bank-accounts/). She tells her friend she let her husband handle their finances because “You know. I’m bad with money.” Her dependency on her husband didn’t just leave her broke, it left her powerless.

When money ceases to be a tool for trade and becomes instead an instrument to wield power over a partner, things can go sideways fast. Partners fearing poverty stay in abusive situations; partners who leave (or get left) end up co-parenting out of government housing while the kiddos spend the weekend at the ex-spouse’s million-dollar estate.

Love, Lies, and Bank Accounts

If the “money-is-power “issues aren’t enough, another major drawback of establishing a joint bank account is navigating seasons where partners are not communicating well (keeping secrets or making purchases without consulting the other spouse). Much like the ‘rules and roles’ laundry polka I described above, communicating poorly about money is NORMAL. Who hasn’t been secretive about a purchase or hidden a receipt? Consequences, however, can manifest as betrayal. Financial infidelity can feel as bad or worse than sexual or emotional infidelity because the partner who isn’t keeping secrets or making major purchases feels powerless AND broke.(https://www.thebalance.com/should-you-have-joint-or-separate-bank-accounts-1289664).

Too Petty and the Bank Breakers

So how do loving partners share money in an equitable and practical way? Easy. Follow the rule of three: Yours, Mine, and Ours.

Yours, Mine

Individual bank accounts solve the dilemma of ‘petty cash.’ What’s petty cash? That’s a pack of cigarettes here or a new golf club there. Sometimes it’s called ‘mad money,’ or a ‘fun money.’ While the holy grail of budgeting is out there I’m sure; the fact is, even the most conservative money advisors like Dave Ramsey 

advocate a line item in every budget called ‘fun money.’ https://www.ramseysolutions.com/budgeting/fun-money-in-budget. This allows couples to stick to a zero-based balanced budget and plan for independent, impulsive, random purchases. When something is discussed and planned, it can’t be a surprise. Couples can plan this line item in several ways:

• A finite amount like an allowance (“OK we are each gonna have $50 to spend from our paychecks, no questions asked.”)
• A flexible amount like a bonus, money left over after buying groceries, or income earned from an extra business venture
• Family bonus where savings from all income sources is divided up at the end of the year for partners to spend how they wish

Either way the money has no strings attached. Once the funds are dispersed partners don’t feel like they are being monitored, micro-managed, or chastised.

NOTE: Families run into trouble when they don’t separate purchases made for the kids, the couple, or the house from ‘fun money.’ It may take some time to get disciplined, but don’t spend your fun money on a new weed whacker from Lowes or kids’ underwear at Target, and don’t fight over who pays for dinner.

OURS

Yes Virginia, there is a joint checking account that works. “Ours” is the joint bill paying account. The account is accessible by both parties so all transactions can be scrutinized. Each partner pays an agreed amount into the account and bills are set to auto-pay. Easy peasey.

Still Fighting?

If you are still fighting with your partner over the following:

• You make more money than I do so it’s not fair that you have more fun money
• You make more money than I do so you should pay more bills
• It’s your turn to buy dinner this week I did it last week
• You’re going on another trip/buying another toy/playing golf again?
• You’re going to Target/getting another Amazon box/going grocery shopping again?

Then your problem is not about money it’s about trust. Go back and look through my blogs for topics on saying I’m sorry, making amends, and setting boundaries. If those don’t help, set up a 10 minute consultation and maybe a marriage counselor can help.