Your separation or divorce wasn’t that long ago, but you feel like you’re ready. I get it. You want to get out there and experience warmth and love all the things that were probably missing for a long time in the relationship you are ending right now. If you are up to reading them, I have a few words of advice for you. Keep reading and with any luck you will see the patterns and ‘red flags’ that will drag you like a rip-tide into the same currents and patterns you’ve been fighting against for years. Make no mistake; your partner messed up and it’s not your fault. You can’t cause another person to abuse you, cheat on you, lie to you, etc. because those are decisions. Looking inward at who you want to be going forward is another story, though, so here are some ways to make your story a good one.
Condoms and Seat Belts
Sex after a marriage or long-term relationship isn’t like sex when you were 16. There is no ‘Mister/Miss Right’ out there and you aren’t saving yourself for anybody. Sex is a healthy part of your life. If a long-term relationship is your goal, then you want to ‘try before you buy.’ Why would you get into a new relationship only to find out that you are sexually incompatible? Isn’t that what you just left? When you drive a new car off the lot for a test drive, you wear a seat belt. The sex version of seatbelts is a condom so tuck a few in your purse on that next Bumble date and take that new potential partner on a test drive.
Don’t be Reckless
It may have been a while since you had a drink, or alcohol may be one of the reasons your relationship ended. Condoms and seatbelts can only keep you safe if you know that sex and driving can be inherently risky. Alcohol (and marijuana, and prescription medications, etc.) can reduce your ability to be cautious, increase your estimation of your own abilities (liquid courage) and ultimately render that seatbelt in your car and that condom in your purse useless. If you have an alcohol problem, get help. If you don’t, then never EVER drink to excess on a date, drink and drive, or leave a drink unattended. As an added precaution turn on ‘find my friends’ on your phone and share your location with a trusted friend.
Wait
If you can. For the next few months, you are what I call, a wounded baby bird. I know you feel more like a ‘I am Woman hear me roar,’ but remember, you are leaving a relationship because you feel that for years you were not heard and validated, or you were betrayed and abused, or all the above. Your self-esteem has some rebuilding to do. In this state, you will gravitate to niceness, respect, politeness, chivalry, and quiet strength like a cypress tree to a river. The problem? You won’t be broken for long. Potential partners who are that quiet strength for you, who tell you that you are beautiful and enough, and valued and valuable loved and lovable, will be out of a job once you don’t need to hear that on the daily. In fact, the more you heal, the less tolerant you will be of their attention, and you may actually feel annoyed by their rapt infatuation with your perfection. It’s not their fault; after all, they fell in love with someone broken. They don’t know what to do with someone whole and healed who no longer needs their daily affirmations to complete them.
Your story and your growth didn’t end with your divorce. Your partner made bad choices that affected you terribly and now you want to get out there and experience warmth and love all the things that were probably missing for a long time in the relationship you are ending right now. Condoms, seatbelts, and personal growth are your best tools so you can respond to ‘red flags’ and not be drawn into a relationship out of loneliness, religion, or boredom. You got this.
Tags: dating after divorce, sex
