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Anger Makes You Stupid

Friday, October 15th, 2021

Before you get mad at me or use the title of this article as evidence against a spouse, sibling or child, let me explain. When you are angry your body is merely expressing a fear that has morphed into helplessness and/or attack. We know this as ‘fight or flight’ and of course their cousins ‘freeze and fawn.’ In this state, the autonomic nervous system does that metabolic magic it’s been doing for millennia (thank God) and sucks resources away from things it doesn’t need to do, like digest food and solve jigsaw puzzles, to things it might need to do like see an exit clearly or punch someone in the throat. It’s why during emergencies pilots have checklists and not board meetings.

That jigsaw-solving part of the mind? That’s also the part that allows you to connect with other humans. That means in this state of ‘fear/anger,’ in addition to being unable to think complex thoughts or eat, you can’t empathize. So when you feel angry you tend to be a solo problem solver with limited access to the vast stores of knowledge in your brain that could actually help. In other words, stupid.

This is normal.

You aren’t bad or broken when you are angry. What is troublesome for individuals, couples, and families though, is angry behavior. What I’m going to do in this article is help you recognize the anger so you can hijack it before it becomes behavior you will regret.

Recognize

You must think this is going to be the easiest paragraph I’ve ever written. I mean, everybody recognizes when they’re angry, right? Not so much. First let’s make sure we understand the difference between ‘anger’ and ‘angry behavior.’ Anger is just an emotion and you have no choice. If you feel it, you feel it. Angry behavior on the other hand, is often learned or expressed (or not expressed) based on the situation (think about the last time you were angry but you couldn’t show it because you were in a religious service/around aunt Jenny/in a meeting with your boss).

Angry behavior can be confusing because it doesn’t always look like, well, anger. Sure, it can look like yelling, screaming, throwing things, and violence, but it can also look like:

  • Crying easily
  • Laughter that doesn’t match the situation
  • Silence
  • Annoying behavior
  • Passive aggressiveness

Angry behavior that doesn’t look like angry behavior is what drives family members, friends, and partners of angry people, nuts. That’s why if you truly want to improve your relationships (at least your part in them) you have to do more than just recognize when you are angry; you have to hijack the angry behavior before it happens.

Hijack

After you recognize that you are in fact angry, first things first, congratulate yourself. You just recognized an emotion while you were having an emotion and that is a big deal. Emotions are your body’s way to force you to focus on an object (something outside of yourself) rather than the subject (you). Even if you did nothing else, when you recognize you are indeed angry (this is called validation) you will have hijacked your normal response and you will notice a difference. It will be a subtle shift like a quick breath of air before you go underwater again. This validation of your own anger is the start of the process of changing angry behavior and doing something different.

Do something different

This pause, this quick breath of validation, is crucial because it is the ‘something different’ that can change your life. You may still not be able to solve a jigsaw puzzle and you may still get acid reflux because you’ve stopped digesting your dinner, but now you have a window of opportunity where you are in control of what happens next. Even if you still choose to be a solo problem solver you can involve the people impacted by your anger through productive communication. This conversation can save relationships, save your job, save friendships, and even save your life. It just takes a willingness to change.

Changing your angry behavior will involve words you probably aren’t used to saying so I’ve given you a few examples. I’ve made sure to give you the option to solo-solve, or partner-solve:

Solo solving [you can use your outside voice or inside voice]

  • I realize I’m angry and I need to process a minute.
  • I’m angry and I’m not sure how to respond to that.
  • [In the moment, write down/text yourself] “Bob just did/said __________________and that made me feel really angry.”

Once you say these things either out loud or internally, you can proceed to solo-solve.

Partner solving [outside voice]

  • “I hate it when you say things like that and I need you to stop. If you can’t I’m going to need to take a minute because I’m really angry.”
  • “I’m angry right now and I need you to give me some space. Please don’t follow me or ask me questions. I’ll talk about it after I process.”
  • “When you keep asking me what’s wrong I just get angry so I’m going to go for a drive and try to figure this out. I promise I’ll be safe and talk about it when I get back.”
  • “I know you’re angry with me for (insert behavior here). I’m sorry and I want to make it right. How can I help?”

Remember you aren’t bad or broken if you feel angry; you’re simply reacting from your ‘fight or flight’ response. Angry behavior, on the other hand, can destroy individuals, couples, and families. It might take some time, but rather than try to see an exit clearly or fantasize (or actually) punch someone in the throat, wouldn’t you rather do something that allows you to connect with other humans and find productive solutions? You have vast stores of knowledge in your brain that could actually help. Recognize, hijack, and do something different. Your family needs you. YOU need you.

 

 

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Gaslighting, Addiction, and Marriage Counseling: 3 Things You Must Know

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Gaslight

What’s Going On?

It was apparent to me that the person listening, trying to practice ‘a safe holding space’ for her partner like I had taught her, was in distress. Her husband was saying all the right things, using I statements, and owning his feelings, but it was no use. She was looking away, holding her breath, and finally, inevitably I guess, she burst into tears.

As the professional in the virtual room I knew their history. He was in recovery for alcohol addiction and she had suffered from his gaslighting and verbal abuse. I realized that encouraging her to open up, even in a therapeutic exercise, was leaving her overwhelmed and defenseless. If they were going to continue marriage counseling I had to help them see that recovery from alcohol is not the same as recovery from abusive behavior and give them strategies to stay emotionally safe during the process.

The Language of Gaslighting

It is quite common for a ‘recovering addict’ to also be a ‘recovering gaslighter.’ Justifying, minimizing, and blaming (JMB) protect addictive  behaviors by causing confusion, second-guessing, and a false sense of complicity in partners, friends, and family. Partners of addicts unaware of the damage caused by JMB gaslighting enter counseling unprepared for the pressure to focus on intimacy. Once it becomes a problem (and for victims of gaslighting, trying to create intimacy with the gaslighting partner in marriage counseling is always a problem) the victim partner may:

  • Feel they are to blame because they can’t forgive and forget or just ‘get over it’
  • Take responsibility and start to deny their own needs or point of view of the problem
  • Shut down and check out

If you are the non-addict partner who suspects you are also a victim of gaslighting and you REALLY want to participate in a couple counseling experience, how can you make sure it works for both of you? It’s not easy. If you are willing to focus on your own needs, stay in touch your somatic experience in the moment, and most importantly, keep your own individual therapist, marriage counseling can be a helpful experience.

Tools to Survive Marriage Counseling

Victims of gaslighting have been told by the gaslighter that their needs are invalid or selfish. As a result, victims either won’t know what their needs are, or they’ll know but won’t know how to assert them in a marriage counseling session. For most victims of gaslighting, a good marriage counseling session is one that doesn’t go too deep, allows them to keep their guard in place, and doesn’t reveal information that can be used against them by the gaslighter when they get home.

As a marriage counselor I get that the victim partner’s primary need is safety. In fact, my primary job is to keep everyone in the room emotionally safe. So, when I see a partner hold back or have reactions like the ones my client in paragraph one was having, I back off. Did my clients create a holding space for each other and achieve intimacy? No. Was everyone in the room free to maintain boundaries? Yes. Even though they didn’t successfully achieve intimacy, a safe session is a good session.

For victims of gaslighting who are unaware of any needs beyond the need to feel safe, awareness of somatic experiences is vital. Is your stomach clenching? Do you feel like you are about to cry? Do you feel a pressure on your chest? These can all be signals that remind you “I’m not safe to share right now.” In the therapy room I will often see these signals before my client can express them. Because they may not have practice naming the feelings (sad, afraid, or anxious), I can help by simply inviting them to name the feeling. If they disengage at that point, then we take a break.

If you have been a victim of gaslighting from a partner who is in recovery for ANY kind of addiction, individual therapy can provide you with the room to be yourself. You can remember what your needs are, learn to talk about your emotions, and contemplate decisions in a safe holding space. If you then decide to go to couple counseling with that partner, it is vital that you keep your individual therapist. Keep working on your understanding of what is healthy and unhealthy so you can assert what you need and your couple counselor can better understand how to direct the sessions.

Into Me See

Intimacy is the freedom to lower boundaries, name feelings, and process openly without fear of reprisal. Since there is no danger of getting hurt or humiliated you can share spontaneously, laugh, cry, and share grievances in a healthy, reciprocal fashion. Couple counseling is designed to increase intimacy. If you are contemplating couple counseling and you are the non-addicted partner who is also a victim of gaslighting, then give yourself the best possible chance at a positive outcome. Ask yourself; am I able to assert my own needs? Am able to access my somatic experiences in the moment? Am I willing to have my own individual therapist? If you are worried about couple counseling or have had a couple counseling session that left you feeling unsafe, please reach out to your couple counselor and let them know.

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Life After Layoff

Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

man woman grassGetting fired sucks.

There is nothing I can say, spin, or summarize that will help you feel good about what just happened to you.

Wait, don’t stop reading! There is something in here for you; I promise.

When the company you gave your blood sweat and tears to decides to let you go, it forces you to take a hard look at yourself. That is rarely a voluntary act. Most of us do not wake up in the morning each day and say to ourselves,

“Self, I’m gonna take a hard look at you today.”

So when it’s time to take that hard look we lack practice. Where we lack practice we feel in over our head. Where we feel in over our head, we feel like we are drowning. And that feels hopeless.

This blog is going to help you make sense of what it means to be fired/let go/given your severance package early, etc. It’s going to help you take that hard look at yourself and get your confidence back. Finally, it’s going to give you tools (what good blog wouldn’t?) so you can go out and get the job of your dreams and feel like yourself again.

Dot Dot Dot

There are only a few people who have taken good, hard, looks at us: Parents, coaches, and lovers. A good hard look is that perfect combination of love and criticism. It is,

“I love you but…” or, “I love you and…”

Those dot-dot-dots are where the landmines are though. In fact, most of the criticism we heard as kids is loaded into those dot-dot-dots. This is where our ‘I DO,’ started to become our, ‘I AM.’

From Mom: I love you but…you’re a slob. You don’t do your homework, and you need to take a shower.”

You hear, “I am a slob, I am a slacker, and I stink.”

From Dad: “[I love you – this is in a bracket because although dad may have never said it, you suspect he did, in fact, love you] but…you’re lazy! If you’d just get out there and practice as hard as (insert sporty friend’s name here) you’d succeed.”

You hear, “I am lazy. I don’t measure up to ___.”

From Coach: “[definitely did not say ‘I love you.’] You sucked this week. Hit the bench. (Insert sporty friend’s name here) get in there for Dipshit.”

You hear, “I am not good enough, I am a Dipshit, I am a failure.”

Lovers (hopefully) gave a kinder look at you during courtship and early commitment phase. I really hope you heard things like,

“I love you and I need you to really notice when the trash has to go out and take care of it before I ask you.”

More likely though, no one ever took a good hard look at you in love.

MIA: Love

This great website called fathers.com reported that when they speak to groups of men, only 3% – 4% of attendees indicate they ever heard “I love you” from their dad [https://fathers.com/featured-resource-center-page/the-power-of-i-love-you-from-dad/]. Rather than a trite cliche, think of this is as a ‘missing loving message.’

Like a computer program trying to execute a task with a missing code, your brain tries to solve the problem of ‘why did I lose my job’ with a missing loving message. The efficient machine that it is, when it fails to find a loving message it simply substitutes the next best thing; the harsh criticism from the people who LOVED you. Just like that (snaps fingers) criticism, evaluation, and performance-based assessments from parents, coaches, and teachers become your inner voice. So just when you needed a shot of confidence, your helpful brain called up that inner voice that reminded you,

“I don’t measure up.”

“I am not good enough.”

“I am a failure.”

I AM Beats I DO

Lucky for you this is a quick fix. Not an easy fix, but a quick one. I’ll go Steven-Covey on you and begin with the end:

Your I AM is more important than your I DO.

Imagine you are driving down the road and you hit a puppy. You’re able to safely pull over so you go see what happened to the little guy. You weren’t going that fast and he was almost across the road but you see he’s going to need some vet attention. You decide you have some time so you take the puppy to a vet.

If this doesn’t sound like you, you’ve stuck with me this long, so keep reading.

This puppy has not done anything to earn another shot at life. It’s not some dog that rescues people from avalanches or a seeing-eye dog, it’s just some mangy puppy that wasn’t fast enough to keep up with its momma and got stuck in the road. You decide that even though it hasn’t done anything heroic or worthy, it deserves a chance to live. Because it breathes, it is worthy; it is valuable; it measures up; it is good enough.

Because it breathes. That’s a pretty low bar on the ‘performance-equals-love’ scale. Now go look in the mirror. Doing or not doing is not what determines your worth and value. You are worthy and valuable because you breathe. Ergo, losing a job cannot strip away your worth and your value.

Lucky for you (and the rest of us), we are all worthy and valuable. Worthy and valuable people can do anything.

Reality Saves the Day

Now that we have that settled it’s time to take that good hard look in love and see what you, worthy and valuable person that you are, can DO.

Get a piece of paper and a pencil. Draw a line down the middle of the paper so there is a left side and a right side. On the left side write, “things I have been criticized for.” This can be anything from you didn’t take the trash out before your partner reminded you to do it, to you struggle to get your TPS reports in on time. On the right side, write down the names you have been called or negative feelings you have had. This is anything from ‘lazy’ to ‘unmotivated’ to ‘uncaring.’

The left side is based in reality. You do struggle with certain things, we all do. The right side is the critical inner voice trying to remind you that it is in charge of your ‘I am’ and your confidence. The object is to re-train your inner voice. Here’s how it works: Lovingly remind yourself that just because you did not notice the trash before your partner did and they took it out while giving you the stink-eye does not make you lazy. It just means you didn’t notice the trash. That is a struggle you can improve. Repeat to yourself,

“I am valuable and worthy and I have struggles I can improve.”

Once you get a robust left side, you can start tackling the struggles and get on with your job search.

The Plan

This is that good hard look we’ve been alluding to. Just imagine if your dad had said,

“I love you and I notice your arm doesn’t always follow through when you throw to first base. I can tell your frustrated because you threw wide in the last game. I’ve got a bucket of balls in the back yard – want to make a few throws to me?”

Game changer.

Loving message? ✅

Validated your feelings (a frustrated kid upset about his throw) and didn’t criticize your I AM? ✅

Identified something you could change and offered a plan? ✅

I promise this blog is NOT a condemnation of your dad. He probably did the best he could just like we all do. This blog IS a place for you to learn something new though, so let’s try it out.

Step 1. Say “I love you” to yourself. I don’t care how cheesy this feels; you have to do this part. Tell yourself “I love you.”

Step 2. Identify how you feel. “I feel anxious and afraid. I’m supposed to make my family feel safe but I’ve lost my job. I feel like I’ve lost my confidence.”

Step 3. Look at reality and identify something you can change. “The company we acquired brought in their own people so I know I wasn’t let go because of my skill set. I have been putting off learning that new system though, and I know I have some new things I can learn.

Step 4: Make a plan. “I’ve been meaning to touch base with [insert the name of CEO buddy here] to see if he knows about any openings in the industry. I’ll give him a call.”

Ask for help

It is important that you make sense of what it meant to lose your job early in the game. The longer it takes you to realize it’s not about you, the longer it’s going to take to lovingly look at yourself and get your confidence back. If the tools in this blog haven’t helped you tap into what you need to get back out there, get the job of your dreams, and feel like yourself again, then make a phone call and get into some counseling. Everything is virtual now and you can literally have the session in your truck. There is no shame in asking for help so do it today and get back on track. You are valuable, you are worthy, and your family needs you.

For more resources check out my friend Dawn Owens and her book “Light After Layoff.”

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Infidelity, Hunger, and Bank Robbery: Emotions Make Terrible Drivers

Thursday, April 30th, 2020

Crime and Empathy

I cannot know what it is like to rob a bank. Or, maybe I can, but I haven’t yet. I do, however, know what it is like to press my right foot against the gas pedal a little harder, to consciously look away from my speedometer, to cast glances at my rear-view and side-view mirrors for police, and to mentally practice the, “My husband was supposed to get my speedometer fixed officer. It’s been off five miles per hour for months,” speech.

I know what it’s like to want something so badly, even if it is just to get to  Trader Joe’s before it closes or to my daughter’s volleyball practice so the coach won’t count her late, that I cheat a little. This little nugget of self-realization means while I truly don’t know the urge to rob a bank, as a human with my own law-breaking nature, I can’t look down my nose at the person who does.

Hangry and Lonely

Urge (and its cousin crave) is a funny word. In Alcoholics Anonymous and Allanon we use the acronym H.A.L.T. to describe typical urges. The acronym stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When I work with clients I often add ‘thirst’ and ‘need to potty’ to that list. Urges are good things and key to our survival. If I am hungry, I need to eat. If I postpone eating, I won’t get less hungry as time goes by. In fact, I will grow more hungry and until I eat, I will enlist my emotions to make that happen. Unfortunately emotions are terrible behavior drivers.

For example let’s say I skip lunch and arrive home from work and see my kids’ toys in the driveway. Hungry now looks like anger and I yell at my kids about their toys. Once I eat, all is well with the world. Another example might be, what if I am a shy person and I feel lonely much of the time. I don’t recognize lonely but I do recognize the chocolate cake in my fridge. Instead of calling a friend (which is hard for me) I eat a chocolate cake. The result? I get a  wonderful  endorphin/serotonin hit from the cake but when I crash, I’m still lonely. I may never be brave enough to phone a friend, but I don’t have to be. I know where the cake is.

Urges and Healthy Behaviors

Emotions and urges are brothers-in-arms.  They are designed to work with cognition (our thoughts) to initiate behavior that keeps us healthy.  Go back to my ‘need to potty’ urge and see what I mean. You’re having a lovely conversation with the queen when your lunch begins to turn somersaults in your tummy. You know avoiding this urge is an invitation to disaster so you think of an excuse to politely exit the conversation and go take care of yourself. Rule of thumb? The longer you fight the urges, the sicker you become.

Counseling is about teaching our clients the language for urges so they can match them up with helpful thoughts and behaviors.  Like a miles-long contrail in the sky indicates there is a tiny jet way up there somewhere, infidelity, restricting food, or substance abuse are signs of underlying unmet urges. Unmet urges indicates there’s a lot of pain in there.

Where there is pain there is impulsivity, over-indulgence, restricting, and even healthy-looking things like high performance discipline routines, super healthy eating (orthorexia) and over training (follow David Goggins, author of Can’t Hurt Me if you don’t believe me). Over-ANYTHING can be a sign you have unmet urges (suffering) that you are trying to meet with behavior that completely misses the target. Welcome to humanity.

Healthy Humans

When you make an appointment, counselors don’t judge you because we’ve all been there. We all have urges we’ve allowed to dictate our speed, our relationships, and our health. Your counselor’s job?

  1. Help the hurting identify underlying emotions so they can
  2. Disconnect unhealthy responses to normal emotions and
  3. Reconnect something that IS healthy and will positively affect their job, relationships, health, and freedom.

If you are struggling, you must take care of yourself. Need help? Worried about your own unhealthy behavior? Call a counselor today.

 

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What is a Boundary Anyway?

Friday, January 22nd, 2016

 

 

 

cowbigeyes

Good boundaries are a part of any good relationship. In fact, a relationship without boundaries will almost always have other symptoms: violence, emotional arguments, infidelity, addiction, emotional cutoffs, or debilitating enabling. The problem with boundaries? They can be hard on a relationship. The boundary-setter finds it hard because he dreads retaliation from the boundary-receiver. The boundary-receiver finds it hard because, well, no one really LIKES to receive a boundary. Here are three things everyone in a relationship needs to know about boundaries:

  1. Boundaries are designed to protect the boundary-setter, not the boundary receiver. Let’s say you love your neighbor, you love your neighbor’s cows, and you love your yard. You do not, however, love your neighbor’s cows IN your yard. In fact, you are starting to lose your serenity because of it. Since you value your yard and your serenity, you decide to build a fence. The cows are a little miffed because they can’t get to your grass and your neighbor is a little miffed because his view is now marred by your fence. You, on the other hand, feel pretty good because you have your serenity and your yard. Maybe your neighbor will realize your serenity helps the relationship and grow to appreciate your fence. Maybe he will harbor hurt feelings over your fence and never speak to you again.

Lesson: You built a fence because you started valuing your peace more than your neighbor’s peace. There is a possibility the relationship with your neighbor will suffer because of this shift. There is also a possibility the relationship will become better than ever.

  1. Boundaries are not the same as telling someone what to do. Let’s say you have the same neighbor, the same cows, the same yard, and the same budding resentment. You realize that a fence might hurt your neighbor’s feelings so you are going to try some things that are ‘less offending’ than a fence. Here’s what you try:
    1. You try to talk to your neighbor and tell him that if he cared about you he’d keep his cows on his own side.
    2. You tell your neighbor that it’s just common sense to keep his cows under control and if had any common sense, he would do that.
    3. You repeat 1. and 2. at all social gatherings, barbecues, and kids’ birthday parties until eventually he goes the other way when he sees you coming.
    4. You file a restraining order against your neighbor and his cows.
    5. You shoot the cows when they come in your yard.

Lesson: Nagging, guilt trips, threats, and acts of violence are attempts to change or control another person. Unlike boundaries they rarely protect your yard or your serenity and they always damage relationships.

  1. Boundaries will always require a change in your behavior, not your neighbor’s. Did the neighbor have a right to graze his cows on your grass? No. Did you have a right to be angry? Sure. Is it fair that you had to spend money and time and energy to build the fence when his cows are the problem? Yes. After all, you care more about your serenity (and your yard) than your neighbor does. Lesson: If you value it, then it’s up to you to protect it.

So the next time you are considering action because of a partner (or a neighbor) remember the difference between boundary setting and controlling. Boundaries are uncomfortable, sometimes costly, strategies designed to protect you. Controlling strategies are designed to change someone else’s behavior so you are more comfortable. Boundaries have the added benefit of improving a relationship. Controlling almost always results in relationship damage.

Kate Walker Ph.D., LPC, LMFT

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Posted in Achieve Balance Today, Addiction, Anger Management, Anxiety and Stress, Bullying, Communication, Family, Marriages and Relationships, Narcissism, Parenting Teenagers, Young Adult Independence | No Comments »

What Does Feeling Better Look Like?

Tuesday, January 12th, 2016

NopainWhat does ‘feeling better’ look like?

You probably don’t have to ask yourself that question when you have physical pain. When you have a pounding toothache, you Google ‘dentist in my town,’ or you phone your friends and ask who they use. You will probably book an appointment with the professional with the most stars, highest friend recommendations, lowest price, and earliest opening (not necessarily in that order). Most important, you will already know exactly what you want as an outcome: no more tooth pain.

Should emotional pain be any different? I don’t think so. Whether we are experiencing emotional or physical pain, we want relief. According to research you can get varying degrees of relief from different forms of treatment including diet and exercise, acupuncture, counseling therapy, meditation, medication, or a combination of all of the above. If your emotional pain is a manageable two or three out of a high score of ten, you might even take your time to explore different options and develop what are commonly known as coping skills. Ideally you would work those coping skills into a daily regimen of self-care (think daily tooth brushing) to keep emotional pain manageable.

If your emotional pain started creeping past manageable to a level-10-toothache pain, however, your need for relief would become urgent. Your criteria for a counseling professional would resemble the criteria you had for your dentist: expert skills, affordable price, accessible location, available immediately, and most important, the ability to relieve your pain.

Counselors are highly skilled professionals trained in the art of emotional pain relief. We use our skills to promote insight in our clients so they feel better. When they feel better, we terminate treatment. If they don’t feel better, then we look at our treatment plan and make adjustments. If we make adjustments and our clients are still not feeling better, we help them find a specialist who can meet their needs and hopefully accomplish what we could not.

What we’re not so good at is explaining how what we do alleviates pain.

So when talking to clients, perhaps a counselor should think more like a dentist and clearly explain what he does and what to expect from his sessions. This ‘solution-focused and goal-oriented’ approach could begin with the first phone call. Once the client explained her emotional pain, he would be able to tell her three things:

  1. Whether or not counseling with him could help her specific issue,
  2. A step by step map of the first three to four sessions, and
  3. Specific tools she would gather by that fourth session that might offer symptom relief.

When we have physical or emotional pain, we all want the same thing: pain relief. Counselors need to be able to explain just as well as a dentist how their skills can help make that happen.

 

 

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Getting the Most From Therapy: Sleep Better

Friday, August 7th, 2015

Coming to therapy is a big decision. Individuals come to therapy for personal marriage, and family issues. Therapy works because of the relationship between you and your counselor. She will help you achieve insight by showing you roadblocks holding you back, and thinking errors keeping you stuck.

Whether you are coming to therapy for yourself, your marriage, or a family member, you will get the most out of your time and money if you commit to work both during your sessions and on your own. Take time to make small changes and talk to your therapist if you are not getting the results you want. While there are no guarantees, therapy often leads to better relationships, solutions to specific problems, and significant reductions in feelings of distress. Here are some week-by-week tips for getting the most from your therapy:

Week 1
Start cutting back on caffeine and get a journal. Cut simple sugars from your diet. Take a walk outdoors. Make an appointment for a physical.

Week 2
Cut caffeine from your diet and add something healthy. Each day walk outdoors and write something in your journal you are thankful for.

Week 3
Start a bedtime routine. One hour before bedtime take a warm bath or shower. Thirty minutes before cut out TV and computer. Five minutes before breathe and relax.

Week 4
Help someone in need. Give your time at a soup kitchen, meals on wheels, or a thrift shop.

Want more detail? Check out or 30 day transformation. It’s a FREE download here.

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To Succeed You Gotta Get Gritty

Monday, June 15th, 2015

Good morning Achievers!

You know grit is quite a hot topic these days (check out Angela Duckworth’s research here). Grit means you go through a hellacious experience and you do more than just survive, you thrive. Or perhaps you are the Energizer bunny and no matter what happens, you just keep going and going and going. My own gritty experience (I think the actual word I used to describe it at the time only rhymed with gritty) involved getting a cancer diagnosis, having three little kids, knowing my husband was in a combat zone, and deciding to start a Ph.D. program and a new counseling practice. So what are the five traits of Grit? They are courage, achievement, follow-through, resilience, and excellence (rather than perfection).

 

Courage, or your ability to manage fear of failure, can only be cultivated through hardship. That’s a tough sell to entrepreneurs. We want to succeed because we have a mortgage to pay, student loans to pay back, or food to buy. Achievement might seem like an easier virtue to swallow, but it’s important to note that this is NOT meticulous conscientious completion. It is a ‘do your best-finish it up-get on to the next task whether it looks pretty or not’ virtue. Follow-through is akin to Malcom Gladwell’s ‘10,000 hours to mastery’ theory. It tells us that practice with purpose is the driver behind accomplishing long term goals. Resilience can be descried as the belief that “everything will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, it’s not the end.” Excellence-not perfection is a gritty trait because it is an attitude. Perfection, on the other hand, relies on the opinions of others and is impossible to reach.

 

To see Angela Duckworth’s TED talk about grit click here.

 

Have a Gritty Day! – Kate

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Getting the most from your therapy sessions

Tuesday, May 7th, 2013

Small changes can lead to big results!

  • Coming to therapy is a big decision. Individuals come to therapy for personal, marriage, and family issues.
  • Therapy works because of the relationship between you and your counselor. He or she will help you achieve insight by showing you roadblocks holding you back, and thinking errors keeping you stuck.
  • Whether you are coming to therapy for yourself, your marriage, or a family member, you will get the most out of your time and money if you commit to work both during your sessions and on your own. Take time to make small changes and talk to your therapist if you are not getting the results you want. While there are no guarantees, therapy often leads to better relationships, solutions to specific problems, and significant reductions in feelings of distress.

Week 1:  Start cutting back on caffeine and get a journal. Cut simple sugars from your diet. Take a walk outdoors. Make an appointment for a physical.

Week 2:  Take daily supplements that include Omega 3 and add something healthy to your diet. Walk outdoors. Write something in your journal you are thankful for.

Week 3:  Start a bedtime routine. One hour before bedtime take a warm bath or shower. Thirty minutes before cut out TV and computer. Five minutes before breathe and relax.

Week 4:  Help someone in need. Give your time at a soup kitchen, meals on wheels, or a thrift shop.

For questions or comments contact us at 936-697-2822.
AchieveBalance.org and Ann’s Place are a part of All About the Family LLC

 

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Frequently Asked Questions About Therapy

Monday, May 6th, 2013

Why see a therapist? The reasons people choose to see a therapist vary. Therapy can be beneficial for a wide range of problems such as depression, loss, marital strife, parent-child concerns, or emotional distress. Some people need help getting through a specific life event. Some want an unbiased perspective on an issue they are struggling with. Regardless of what brings you to therapy, it can be an opportunity to grow, learn, and heal.  

Who do I choose? Psychiatrists, psychologists, licensed professional counselors, marriage and family therapists, pastoral care counselors, and life coaches are several options for individuals who are seeking help. How do they differ?

Psychiatrists (MD):

  • Are licensed medical doctors who can prescribe medication
  • Have completed training in a psychiatric residency program
  • May provide therapy (also known as psychotherapy) but most focus on medication management  (some do both)

Psychologists (PhD):

  • Are not medical doctors and cannot prescribe medication
  • Have completed a doctoral program as well as post doctoral experience under supervision and passed a licensure examination
  • Provide therapy and diagnostic testing

Licensed Professional Counselors (PhD/MA LPC):

  • Are not medical doctors and cannot prescribe medication
  • Have completed either a doctoral or a master’s level program, a supervised postgraduate internship, and passed a licensure examination
  • Work with individuals, couples, families and groups
  • Provide therapy and diagnostic testing

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (PhD/MA LMFT):

  • Are not medical doctors and cannot prescribe medication
  • Have completed a doctoral or master’s level program, a supervised postgraduate internship, and passed a licensure examination
  • Specialize in working with families to improve relationships among family members; also work with individuals, couples and groups

Pastoral Care Counselor

  • Training depends on the religious denomination. Most denominations require licensing and post-graduate training and supervision

Coach or Life Coach

  • No standardized training or licensing required
  • Since the field is unregulated at this time, clients must   

rely on information provided by the coach

How do I find a therapist? The most common ways to find a therapist include asking:

  • Insurance carrier
  • Physician
  • A friend or family member

Will insurance cover the sessions? You may choose to see a therapist who is on your insurance company’s provider list or you may choose to see one who is not on the list. If you choose a therapist who is not on the list, the insurance company might consider the therapist to be an out-of-network provider. In such cases, it is up to the discretion of the insurance company to decide whether or not they will reimburse you. You also have the option of self or private pay which means you pay the fee yourself.

How do I know if I’ve made the right choice? The emotional connection that a client makes with a therapist oftentimes has a greater impact on the success of the therapeutic process than the type of therapist chosen. The therapist must provide an atmosphere of safety and trust for the client. If, after a few sessions, the client doesn’t feel that he or she is making any progress, it is important to discuss it with the therapist.

The client determines his or her own goals in therapy, not the therapist’s. The client and therapist work together toward achieving client’s goal. It is normal to experience a certain amount of discomfort when facing difficult issues during the course of therapy. If the client feels that a change of therapist would be best, the therapist should be supportive of that decision. A proper fit between therapist and client is essential toward goal achievement.

How long will therapy last? Many people think that therapy is a long and drawn out process. Very often that is not the case. There are many different approaches to therapy. The needs and goals of the client determine which approach would be most suitable. Some clients achieve their goals in as few as two or three sessions, some take longer.  A goal is defined by the client during the first session. The client and the therapist work together toward attaining that goal.

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