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Archive for the ‘Getting the Most from Therapy Sessions’ Category

Gaslighting, Addiction, and Marriage Counseling: 3 Things You Must Know

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Gaslight

What’s Going On?

It was apparent to me that the person listening, trying to practice ‘a safe holding space’ for her partner like I had taught her, was in distress. Her husband was saying all the right things, using I statements, and owning his feelings, but it was no use. She was looking away, holding her breath, and finally, inevitably I guess, she burst into tears.

As the professional in the virtual room I knew their history. He was in recovery for alcohol addiction and she had suffered from his gaslighting and verbal abuse. I realized that encouraging her to open up, even in a therapeutic exercise, was leaving her overwhelmed and defenseless. If they were going to continue marriage counseling I had to help them see that recovery from alcohol is not the same as recovery from abusive behavior and give them strategies to stay emotionally safe during the process.

The Language of Gaslighting

It is quite common for a ‘recovering addict’ to also be a ‘recovering gaslighter.’ Justifying, minimizing, and blaming (JMB) protect addictive  behaviors by causing confusion, second-guessing, and a false sense of complicity in partners, friends, and family. Partners of addicts unaware of the damage caused by JMB gaslighting enter counseling unprepared for the pressure to focus on intimacy. Once it becomes a problem (and for victims of gaslighting, trying to create intimacy with the gaslighting partner in marriage counseling is always a problem) the victim partner may:

  • Feel they are to blame because they can’t forgive and forget or just ‘get over it’
  • Take responsibility and start to deny their own needs or point of view of the problem
  • Shut down and check out

If you are the non-addict partner who suspects you are also a victim of gaslighting and you REALLY want to participate in a couple counseling experience, how can you make sure it works for both of you? It’s not easy. If you are willing to focus on your own needs, stay in touch your somatic experience in the moment, and most importantly, keep your own individual therapist, marriage counseling can be a helpful experience.

Tools to Survive Marriage Counseling

Victims of gaslighting have been told by the gaslighter that their needs are invalid or selfish. As a result, victims either won’t know what their needs are, or they’ll know but won’t know how to assert them in a marriage counseling session. For most victims of gaslighting, a good marriage counseling session is one that doesn’t go too deep, allows them to keep their guard in place, and doesn’t reveal information that can be used against them by the gaslighter when they get home.

As a marriage counselor I get that the victim partner’s primary need is safety. In fact, my primary job is to keep everyone in the room emotionally safe. So, when I see a partner hold back or have reactions like the ones my client in paragraph one was having, I back off. Did my clients create a holding space for each other and achieve intimacy? No. Was everyone in the room free to maintain boundaries? Yes. Even though they didn’t successfully achieve intimacy, a safe session is a good session.

For victims of gaslighting who are unaware of any needs beyond the need to feel safe, awareness of somatic experiences is vital. Is your stomach clenching? Do you feel like you are about to cry? Do you feel a pressure on your chest? These can all be signals that remind you “I’m not safe to share right now.” In the therapy room I will often see these signals before my client can express them. Because they may not have practice naming the feelings (sad, afraid, or anxious), I can help by simply inviting them to name the feeling. If they disengage at that point, then we take a break.

If you have been a victim of gaslighting from a partner who is in recovery for ANY kind of addiction, individual therapy can provide you with the room to be yourself. You can remember what your needs are, learn to talk about your emotions, and contemplate decisions in a safe holding space. If you then decide to go to couple counseling with that partner, it is vital that you keep your individual therapist. Keep working on your understanding of what is healthy and unhealthy so you can assert what you need and your couple counselor can better understand how to direct the sessions.

Into Me See

Intimacy is the freedom to lower boundaries, name feelings, and process openly without fear of reprisal. Since there is no danger of getting hurt or humiliated you can share spontaneously, laugh, cry, and share grievances in a healthy, reciprocal fashion. Couple counseling is designed to increase intimacy. If you are contemplating couple counseling and you are the non-addicted partner who is also a victim of gaslighting, then give yourself the best possible chance at a positive outcome. Ask yourself; am I able to assert my own needs? Am able to access my somatic experiences in the moment? Am I willing to have my own individual therapist? If you are worried about couple counseling or have had a couple counseling session that left you feeling unsafe, please reach out to your couple counselor and let them know.

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Infidelity, Hunger, and Bank Robbery: Emotions Make Terrible Drivers

Thursday, April 30th, 2020

Crime and Empathy

I cannot know what it is like to rob a bank. Or, maybe I can, but I haven’t yet. I do, however, know what it is like to press my right foot against the gas pedal a little harder, to consciously look away from my speedometer, to cast glances at my rear-view and side-view mirrors for police, and to mentally practice the, “My husband was supposed to get my speedometer fixed officer. It’s been off five miles per hour for months,” speech.

I know what it’s like to want something so badly, even if it is just to get to  Trader Joe’s before it closes or to my daughter’s volleyball practice so the coach won’t count her late, that I cheat a little. This little nugget of self-realization means while I truly don’t know the urge to rob a bank, as a human with my own law-breaking nature, I can’t look down my nose at the person who does.

Hangry and Lonely

Urge (and its cousin crave) is a funny word. In Alcoholics Anonymous and Allanon we use the acronym H.A.L.T. to describe typical urges. The acronym stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When I work with clients I often add ‘thirst’ and ‘need to potty’ to that list. Urges are good things and key to our survival. If I am hungry, I need to eat. If I postpone eating, I won’t get less hungry as time goes by. In fact, I will grow more hungry and until I eat, I will enlist my emotions to make that happen. Unfortunately emotions are terrible behavior drivers.

For example let’s say I skip lunch and arrive home from work and see my kids’ toys in the driveway. Hungry now looks like anger and I yell at my kids about their toys. Once I eat, all is well with the world. Another example might be, what if I am a shy person and I feel lonely much of the time. I don’t recognize lonely but I do recognize the chocolate cake in my fridge. Instead of calling a friend (which is hard for me) I eat a chocolate cake. The result? I get a  wonderful  endorphin/serotonin hit from the cake but when I crash, I’m still lonely. I may never be brave enough to phone a friend, but I don’t have to be. I know where the cake is.

Urges and Healthy Behaviors

Emotions and urges are brothers-in-arms.  They are designed to work with cognition (our thoughts) to initiate behavior that keeps us healthy.  Go back to my ‘need to potty’ urge and see what I mean. You’re having a lovely conversation with the queen when your lunch begins to turn somersaults in your tummy. You know avoiding this urge is an invitation to disaster so you think of an excuse to politely exit the conversation and go take care of yourself. Rule of thumb? The longer you fight the urges, the sicker you become.

Counseling is about teaching our clients the language for urges so they can match them up with helpful thoughts and behaviors.  Like a miles-long contrail in the sky indicates there is a tiny jet way up there somewhere, infidelity, restricting food, or substance abuse are signs of underlying unmet urges. Unmet urges indicates there’s a lot of pain in there.

Where there is pain there is impulsivity, over-indulgence, restricting, and even healthy-looking things like high performance discipline routines, super healthy eating (orthorexia) and over training (follow David Goggins, author of Can’t Hurt Me if you don’t believe me). Over-ANYTHING can be a sign you have unmet urges (suffering) that you are trying to meet with behavior that completely misses the target. Welcome to humanity.

Healthy Humans

When you make an appointment, counselors don’t judge you because we’ve all been there. We all have urges we’ve allowed to dictate our speed, our relationships, and our health. Your counselor’s job?

  1. Help the hurting identify underlying emotions so they can
  2. Disconnect unhealthy responses to normal emotions and
  3. Reconnect something that IS healthy and will positively affect their job, relationships, health, and freedom.

If you are struggling, you must take care of yourself. Need help? Worried about your own unhealthy behavior? Call a counselor today.

 

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Posted in Achieve Balance Today, Addiction, Affairs, Anger Management, Anxiety and Stress, FAQ about Therapy, Getting the Most from Therapy Sessions, Marriages and Relationships | No Comments »

What Does Feeling Better Look Like?

Tuesday, January 12th, 2016

NopainWhat does ‘feeling better’ look like?

You probably don’t have to ask yourself that question when you have physical pain. When you have a pounding toothache, you Google ‘dentist in my town,’ or you phone your friends and ask who they use. You will probably book an appointment with the professional with the most stars, highest friend recommendations, lowest price, and earliest opening (not necessarily in that order). Most important, you will already know exactly what you want as an outcome: no more tooth pain.

Should emotional pain be any different? I don’t think so. Whether we are experiencing emotional or physical pain, we want relief. According to research you can get varying degrees of relief from different forms of treatment including diet and exercise, acupuncture, counseling therapy, meditation, medication, or a combination of all of the above. If your emotional pain is a manageable two or three out of a high score of ten, you might even take your time to explore different options and develop what are commonly known as coping skills. Ideally you would work those coping skills into a daily regimen of self-care (think daily tooth brushing) to keep emotional pain manageable.

If your emotional pain started creeping past manageable to a level-10-toothache pain, however, your need for relief would become urgent. Your criteria for a counseling professional would resemble the criteria you had for your dentist: expert skills, affordable price, accessible location, available immediately, and most important, the ability to relieve your pain.

Counselors are highly skilled professionals trained in the art of emotional pain relief. We use our skills to promote insight in our clients so they feel better. When they feel better, we terminate treatment. If they don’t feel better, then we look at our treatment plan and make adjustments. If we make adjustments and our clients are still not feeling better, we help them find a specialist who can meet their needs and hopefully accomplish what we could not.

What we’re not so good at is explaining how what we do alleviates pain.

So when talking to clients, perhaps a counselor should think more like a dentist and clearly explain what he does and what to expect from his sessions. This ‘solution-focused and goal-oriented’ approach could begin with the first phone call. Once the client explained her emotional pain, he would be able to tell her three things:

  1. Whether or not counseling with him could help her specific issue,
  2. A step by step map of the first three to four sessions, and
  3. Specific tools she would gather by that fourth session that might offer symptom relief.

When we have physical or emotional pain, we all want the same thing: pain relief. Counselors need to be able to explain just as well as a dentist how their skills can help make that happen.

 

 

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Getting the Most From Therapy: Sleep Better

Friday, August 7th, 2015

Coming to therapy is a big decision. Individuals come to therapy for personal marriage, and family issues. Therapy works because of the relationship between you and your counselor. She will help you achieve insight by showing you roadblocks holding you back, and thinking errors keeping you stuck.

Whether you are coming to therapy for yourself, your marriage, or a family member, you will get the most out of your time and money if you commit to work both during your sessions and on your own. Take time to make small changes and talk to your therapist if you are not getting the results you want. While there are no guarantees, therapy often leads to better relationships, solutions to specific problems, and significant reductions in feelings of distress. Here are some week-by-week tips for getting the most from your therapy:

Week 1
Start cutting back on caffeine and get a journal. Cut simple sugars from your diet. Take a walk outdoors. Make an appointment for a physical.

Week 2
Cut caffeine from your diet and add something healthy. Each day walk outdoors and write something in your journal you are thankful for.

Week 3
Start a bedtime routine. One hour before bedtime take a warm bath or shower. Thirty minutes before cut out TV and computer. Five minutes before breathe and relax.

Week 4
Help someone in need. Give your time at a soup kitchen, meals on wheels, or a thrift shop.

Want more detail? Check out or 30 day transformation. It’s a FREE download here.

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Getting the most from your therapy sessions

Tuesday, May 7th, 2013

Small changes can lead to big results!

  • Coming to therapy is a big decision. Individuals come to therapy for personal, marriage, and family issues.
  • Therapy works because of the relationship between you and your counselor. He or she will help you achieve insight by showing you roadblocks holding you back, and thinking errors keeping you stuck.
  • Whether you are coming to therapy for yourself, your marriage, or a family member, you will get the most out of your time and money if you commit to work both during your sessions and on your own. Take time to make small changes and talk to your therapist if you are not getting the results you want. While there are no guarantees, therapy often leads to better relationships, solutions to specific problems, and significant reductions in feelings of distress.

Week 1:  Start cutting back on caffeine and get a journal. Cut simple sugars from your diet. Take a walk outdoors. Make an appointment for a physical.

Week 2:  Take daily supplements that include Omega 3 and add something healthy to your diet. Walk outdoors. Write something in your journal you are thankful for.

Week 3:  Start a bedtime routine. One hour before bedtime take a warm bath or shower. Thirty minutes before cut out TV and computer. Five minutes before breathe and relax.

Week 4:  Help someone in need. Give your time at a soup kitchen, meals on wheels, or a thrift shop.

For questions or comments contact us at 936-697-2822.
AchieveBalance.org and Ann’s Place are a part of All About the Family LLC

 

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What is an Intern? Defining “Intern” and “Counseling Internships”

Thursday, June 21st, 2012

When you hear the word intern, you probably think of a time between sophomore and junior year of college when students can “try out” their chosen profession. This is not the case in the counseling world when it comes to counseling internships. When you choose a Licensed Professional Counselor Intern (LPC-I) or Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate (LMFTA) in the state of Texas, you are getting a professional trained to help.

Interns and associates in Texas receive their license to counseling only after completing an undergraduate degree (bachelor’s degree) and a master’s degree. The master’s degree must be in counseling, psychology, or a related field. University programs are accredited by a national accrediting body that insures course work is rigorous and comprehensive.

In addition to their master’s degree, licensed interns and associates in Texas have passed the Texas State Board of Examiners Licensing Exam for Licensed Professional Counselors or Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists.  This is a national exam that covers not only the core components of their field but also federal requirements. Once the interns and associates pass their exam, a board of professional counselors that are licensed and highly trained supervise them for 3000 hours. These professionals oversee each and every case.

What you may not expect when you hire an intern is the wealth of experience. Many counselor interns have come from other fields including medicine, business, and university-level teaching. For example one counselor intern earned her medical degree and completed training in obstetrics and gynecology. Another intern logged over 12 years of experience as a professional psychotherapist in Mexico and Europe.

Counselor interns and marriage and family therapist associates are qualified, experienced providers. Because they are generally not paid by insurance, your diagnosis and treatment plan will never be shared unless you request it. When it’s time for help, confidently call on them.

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Parent Counseling and Counseling for Teenagers: Attending the First Session

Thursday, June 14th, 2012

Asking for help from a marriage and family therapist is a serious decision. Even if the problems at home are heartbreaking, the thought of sharing family issues with a stranger can be scary and intimidating. Knowing what family therapy can look like starting with the first appointment can help alleviate those fears. Here’s one fictional family’s story that includes parent counseling, and counseling for teenagers.

Joanne and John sat nervously in the waiting room. Julie, the family therapist they had decided to see after using their local therapist finder, had scheduled an initial meeting with both of them. She told them this first session would take about 90 minutes and it was a chance for everyone to get to know one another, identify some issues, and decide if she would be a good fit for their family.

When Julie appeared they handed her their completed paperwork and went back to her office. The service agreement outlined Julie’s background and philosophy, limits of confidentiality, fees and meeting times, and contact information for both Julie and the state therapist licensing board. Joanne and John had also signed a release of information so Julie could talk with John’s psychiatrist.

Joanne and John were slow to share at first, but eventually the dam broke and they shared what their family had been and what it had become. Julie listened and assured them they were resilient and she would help them work on a plan to capitalize on their strengths, not just focus on their weaknesses. It was agreed that Joanne and John would meet with Julie weekly at first, and then taper to an as-needed basis.

Joanne and John left that first meeting with hope. Neither had felt that way in a long, long time.

When you decide to seek help for your family, it is important to familiarize yourself with the different mental health professions and choose the professional with whom you feel the best fit. And remember, it’s okay to keep looking if your family is not making progress.

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Finding the Right Therapist for Your Family

Thursday, June 7th, 2012

Joanne finally picked up the home phone, realizing this was the most difficult call she had ever made. She was about to ask for help in the one area of her life that she’d thought she had held together: her family.

At the last appointment, Jake’s psychiatrist mentioned marriage and family therapy programs but she had felt too angry (or was it embarrassed?) to call for further information. After all, this was Jake’s problem, wasn’t it? How could therapy for the whole family do any good when Jake was the one causing arguments, getting in trouble at school, and sneaking out at night doing who knows what with who knows whom?  Family therapy techniques sounded so… intrusive. The therapist would probably pick apart her parenting and tell her she had done everything wrong.

So why was she finally changing her mind? Strangely enough it was because of Jake’s little sister Jenny. Yesterday afternoon, Jenny had asked, “Why are you and daddy so mad at Jake all the time?” In that moment, Joanne realized Jenny had not been immune to the turmoil surrounding their efforts to help Jake. Somehow she knew that her family could not get better if they stuck to the problem-focused idea that their only hope rested in “fixing” one person. Whether she liked it or not, this was a family problem.

Family therapy is a core mental health profession. It is brief, solution-focused, and it focuses on specific, attainable, therapeutic goals. Joanne’s decision to seek help for her family was very serious and choosing the right family therapist was important. She started with her insurance company and researched possible providers who could help. After consulting with a trusted family physician, she made the appointment.

When you decide to seek help for your family it is important to familiarize yourself with the different mental health professions. Remember, it’s okay to keep looking if your family is not making progress. Choose the professional and the family therapy center you feel the best fit so that you can receive the right help.

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