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Archive for the ‘Addiction’ Category

Gaslighting, Addiction, and Marriage Counseling: 3 Things You Must Know

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Gaslight

What’s Going On?

It was apparent to me that the person listening, trying to practice ‘a safe holding space’ for her partner like I had taught her, was in distress. Her husband was saying all the right things, using I statements, and owning his feelings, but it was no use. She was looking away, holding her breath, and finally, inevitably I guess, she burst into tears.

As the professional in the virtual room I knew their history. He was in recovery for alcohol addiction and she had suffered from his gaslighting and verbal abuse. I realized that encouraging her to open up, even in a therapeutic exercise, was leaving her overwhelmed and defenseless. If they were going to continue marriage counseling I had to help them see that recovery from alcohol is not the same as recovery from abusive behavior and give them strategies to stay emotionally safe during the process.

The Language of Gaslighting

It is quite common for a ‘recovering addict’ to also be a ‘recovering gaslighter.’ Justifying, minimizing, and blaming (JMB) protect addictive  behaviors by causing confusion, second-guessing, and a false sense of complicity in partners, friends, and family. Partners of addicts unaware of the damage caused by JMB gaslighting enter counseling unprepared for the pressure to focus on intimacy. Once it becomes a problem (and for victims of gaslighting, trying to create intimacy with the gaslighting partner in marriage counseling is always a problem) the victim partner may:

  • Feel they are to blame because they can’t forgive and forget or just ‘get over it’
  • Take responsibility and start to deny their own needs or point of view of the problem
  • Shut down and check out

If you are the non-addict partner who suspects you are also a victim of gaslighting and you REALLY want to participate in a couple counseling experience, how can you make sure it works for both of you? It’s not easy. If you are willing to focus on your own needs, stay in touch your somatic experience in the moment, and most importantly, keep your own individual therapist, marriage counseling can be a helpful experience.

Tools to Survive Marriage Counseling

Victims of gaslighting have been told by the gaslighter that their needs are invalid or selfish. As a result, victims either won’t know what their needs are, or they’ll know but won’t know how to assert them in a marriage counseling session. For most victims of gaslighting, a good marriage counseling session is one that doesn’t go too deep, allows them to keep their guard in place, and doesn’t reveal information that can be used against them by the gaslighter when they get home.

As a marriage counselor I get that the victim partner’s primary need is safety. In fact, my primary job is to keep everyone in the room emotionally safe. So, when I see a partner hold back or have reactions like the ones my client in paragraph one was having, I back off. Did my clients create a holding space for each other and achieve intimacy? No. Was everyone in the room free to maintain boundaries? Yes. Even though they didn’t successfully achieve intimacy, a safe session is a good session.

For victims of gaslighting who are unaware of any needs beyond the need to feel safe, awareness of somatic experiences is vital. Is your stomach clenching? Do you feel like you are about to cry? Do you feel a pressure on your chest? These can all be signals that remind you “I’m not safe to share right now.” In the therapy room I will often see these signals before my client can express them. Because they may not have practice naming the feelings (sad, afraid, or anxious), I can help by simply inviting them to name the feeling. If they disengage at that point, then we take a break.

If you have been a victim of gaslighting from a partner who is in recovery for ANY kind of addiction, individual therapy can provide you with the room to be yourself. You can remember what your needs are, learn to talk about your emotions, and contemplate decisions in a safe holding space. If you then decide to go to couple counseling with that partner, it is vital that you keep your individual therapist. Keep working on your understanding of what is healthy and unhealthy so you can assert what you need and your couple counselor can better understand how to direct the sessions.

Into Me See

Intimacy is the freedom to lower boundaries, name feelings, and process openly without fear of reprisal. Since there is no danger of getting hurt or humiliated you can share spontaneously, laugh, cry, and share grievances in a healthy, reciprocal fashion. Couple counseling is designed to increase intimacy. If you are contemplating couple counseling and you are the non-addicted partner who is also a victim of gaslighting, then give yourself the best possible chance at a positive outcome. Ask yourself; am I able to assert my own needs? Am able to access my somatic experiences in the moment? Am I willing to have my own individual therapist? If you are worried about couple counseling or have had a couple counseling session that left you feeling unsafe, please reach out to your couple counselor and let them know.

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Posted in Addiction, Getting the Most from Therapy Sessions, Marriages and Relationships | No Comments »

More Than a River in Egypt

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2021

boot sunshineIf It’s Not DENIAL, Then What Is It?

Imagine your spouse seems to be suffering because of what appears to be a sunburn. They can look in the mirror and see the red blisters. They step into a hot shower and complain about the pain of the water on their skin. You remind them that they definitely fell asleep at the beach without putting on sunscreen.  Your spouse doesn’t agree. Instead they say,

“I don’t know why my skin hurts. And who, by the way, covered me with pink make-up? I definitely do NOT have a sunburn.”

Other family members might join you and try to convince your spouse that they obviously have a condition known as a ‘sunburn.’ Your spouse resists. Even though their skin hurts, it is pink and peeling, and they did fall asleep in the sun, they continue to insist they do not have a sunburn. Denial, right?

Maybe. Or it might be Anosognosia.

Anosognosia is my new sixty-four-thousand dollar word. It is an amazing word and I love it so much I wish I could go on Jeopardy right now, and the host would ask (and I know it would be a new host and that makes me sad),

“What is the inability to adjust our self-image or perceive our mental health condition accurately?”

And I would punch my little LED-lit button and scream,

“ANOSOGNOSIA!”

Why not simply call this state of mental-mismatch denial? According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), when we talk about anosognosia it is usually when we are referring to someone who is also suffering with  a mental illness.

“Anosognosia means that someone is unaware of their own mental health condition or that they can’t perceive their condition accurately and it is a common symptom of certain mental illnesses [https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Common-with-Mental-Illness/Anosognosia].”

You see our sunburn-sufferer might also be suffering with schizophrenia, bipolar, or dementia. If that is the case, then they may be part of the population whose apparent ‘denial,’ is in fact, anosognosia.

If you are reading this article I imagine you are either curious or you are looking for tools to parent, live with, or love someone with this condition. I’ll try to help by giving you a way to conceptualize the problem so it makes sense, tools to communicate with that suffering-someone, and most importantly, ideas to self-care. You’re gonna need it.

Why Deny?

Denial is more than a beautiful river in Egypt. Denial is the word children, friends, spouses, and siblings can use to conceptualize the dichotomous thinking exhibited by those self-destructive family members who profess to love us.

We ask ourselves,

“How can they love us and drink themselves to illness/treat us this way/refuse to get help?”

We answer ourselves,

“They must be in denial about their problem.”

Unfortunately when we (the healthy ones) use the word denial to explain why you (the family member engaging in the destructive behavior that is hurting us) won’t change, we get angry. The implication is you know you have a problem and you are choosing the behavior over us.

Denial goes a long way explaining how we humans hurt each other in the name of protecting a behavior we love. Yes denial has been around for centuries helping humans justify, minimize, and blame others for relationship-busting behaviors:

Justifying

“I’ve got a tough job and I’ll cut down once things even out at work.”

“My parents fought in front of us and I turned out just fine.”

“But you and the kids love to travel to my races.”

Minimizing

“I don’t drink that much.”

“We haven’t fought in weeks.”

“When was the last time you and the kids were actually awake when I was training? That’s why I mostly train in the mornings and do my long rides when Junior has an out-of-town soccer game.”

Blaming

“I only get this drunk when you’re acting like this.”

“If you wouldn’t push me on that issue I wouldn’t fight back.”

“And you think you’re so perfect?”

The Mental Illness Connection

If your self-destructive family member also suffers with a mental illness, then anosognosia may be a better explanation than denial. I know no one wants to hear that their struggling loved one may also have an underlying personality disorder or suffer from bipolar disease, but it is something to consider. How would you know, especially if your loved one refuses to see a mental health professional?

Behavioral science is different from medical science in that we rely on self-report from the sufferer and observations from family members like you to make our diagnoses. Once we get those reports we can triangulate the data and get a fairly accurate idea of what the patient suffers from. I say fairly accurate because a medical exam needs to be done as well. For example someone who is acting out on the verge of a diabetic coma can look a lot like an angry drunk. It is important that we know the difference.

Here’s Your Sign

Your self-destructive loved one might have an underlying mental health issue if:

  • They sound like they do. Do a you tube search for gaslighting, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and psychological abuse. You don’t need to watch the videos just listen to them. If you recognize the words in the videos because you hear them from your self-destructive loved one, then they might be also be suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness.
  • They act like they do. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5th Edition is commonly used by mental health professionals to categorize behavior. Do your Google search for ‘DSM 5 ____________[enter troubling behavior].’ The search will help you understand that a diagnosis depends on the type of behavior, how many times it occurs, and how long it has been happening. WARNING: this does not make you a mental health professional.
  • Their family members are already diagnosed. Schizophrenia and bipolar have strong family components. If you discover that your self-destructive family member’s near-degree relatives suffer from bipolar or schizophrenia that was diagnosed, or behavior that was similar but undiagnosed, then your loved one may also be suffering.

AND

  • They have a medical all-clear. They have regular physicals and get blood work-ups. There are no underlying medical conditions or chronic pain complaints. Remember what I said earlier about diabetic comas? Sometimes medical issues can explain bad behavior so you’ll need to rule that out.

Pursuers and Distancers Get Nowhere

This is the part where you get the communication tools, coping strategies, and the self-care advice. If I do my job here, the tools will help you dear reader stay in relationship with your suspected agosognosia-sufferer and out of the ‘trying to convince them they have a problem’ loop. Let’s call this the pursuer-distancer dynamic.

If you try to convince your suffering spouse/parent/sibling that they have a problem, that is the pursuit. If they say, “Nuh uh,’ that is the distancing.

Remember Nuh-uh is a classic symptom of denial and anosognosia.

Reformed pursuers who choose to live with anosognosia-sufferers will spend a lifetime learning to lower the bar regarding what they can expect. Books like ‘His Needs-Her Needs’ won’t apply to your relationship because your needs will never be understood by your suspected sufferer. You will need to become an expert at communicating, self-soothing, and ultimately meeting your own needs.

Communicate and Cope

One way to communicate with your suspected anosognosia sufferer is the Reflection/Self-Care Combo. It looks like this:

  1. [Use your inside voice and say] “I love my partner/sibling/parent and I want to stay in relationship with them but I’m in distress right now and I feel like they need to know about it. I will not fall into the pursuer-distancer dynamic.”
  2. [Use your outside voice and say] “Hey [insert suffering-partner/friend/parent name here] I notice that I’m feeling [insert distressing feeling here]. I’d like it if you could help me by [insert your need here].”
  3. Now just wait. If they meet your need, excellent. If they don’t, it’s time to pull out the healthy coping strategies, support network, and distracting hobbies. Self-care is ultimately how you will meet your needs.

Living with and loving someone suffering from anosognosia or denial takes understanding, communication tools, and excellent self-care strategies. I hope this article helped you understand the difference between denial and anosognosia but I get it. In the end it might not matter because both actions feel the same on your end. Choosing to stay with a self-destructive family member who uses denial or suffers with anosognosia is personal and no one can tell you what to do unless they have walked a mile in your shoes. The tools in this article can help, but ultimately you may need outside help to stay or walk away. Individual, couple, and family counseling can help you make that decision.

 

 

 

 

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Infidelity, Hunger, and Bank Robbery: Emotions Make Terrible Drivers

Thursday, April 30th, 2020

Crime and Empathy

I cannot know what it is like to rob a bank. Or, maybe I can, but I haven’t yet. I do, however, know what it is like to press my right foot against the gas pedal a little harder, to consciously look away from my speedometer, to cast glances at my rear-view and side-view mirrors for police, and to mentally practice the, “My husband was supposed to get my speedometer fixed officer. It’s been off five miles per hour for months,” speech.

I know what it’s like to want something so badly, even if it is just to get to  Trader Joe’s before it closes or to my daughter’s volleyball practice so the coach won’t count her late, that I cheat a little. This little nugget of self-realization means while I truly don’t know the urge to rob a bank, as a human with my own law-breaking nature, I can’t look down my nose at the person who does.

Hangry and Lonely

Urge (and its cousin crave) is a funny word. In Alcoholics Anonymous and Allanon we use the acronym H.A.L.T. to describe typical urges. The acronym stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When I work with clients I often add ‘thirst’ and ‘need to potty’ to that list. Urges are good things and key to our survival. If I am hungry, I need to eat. If I postpone eating, I won’t get less hungry as time goes by. In fact, I will grow more hungry and until I eat, I will enlist my emotions to make that happen. Unfortunately emotions are terrible behavior drivers.

For example let’s say I skip lunch and arrive home from work and see my kids’ toys in the driveway. Hungry now looks like anger and I yell at my kids about their toys. Once I eat, all is well with the world. Another example might be, what if I am a shy person and I feel lonely much of the time. I don’t recognize lonely but I do recognize the chocolate cake in my fridge. Instead of calling a friend (which is hard for me) I eat a chocolate cake. The result? I get a  wonderful  endorphin/serotonin hit from the cake but when I crash, I’m still lonely. I may never be brave enough to phone a friend, but I don’t have to be. I know where the cake is.

Urges and Healthy Behaviors

Emotions and urges are brothers-in-arms.  They are designed to work with cognition (our thoughts) to initiate behavior that keeps us healthy.  Go back to my ‘need to potty’ urge and see what I mean. You’re having a lovely conversation with the queen when your lunch begins to turn somersaults in your tummy. You know avoiding this urge is an invitation to disaster so you think of an excuse to politely exit the conversation and go take care of yourself. Rule of thumb? The longer you fight the urges, the sicker you become.

Counseling is about teaching our clients the language for urges so they can match them up with helpful thoughts and behaviors.  Like a miles-long contrail in the sky indicates there is a tiny jet way up there somewhere, infidelity, restricting food, or substance abuse are signs of underlying unmet urges. Unmet urges indicates there’s a lot of pain in there.

Where there is pain there is impulsivity, over-indulgence, restricting, and even healthy-looking things like high performance discipline routines, super healthy eating (orthorexia) and over training (follow David Goggins, author of Can’t Hurt Me if you don’t believe me). Over-ANYTHING can be a sign you have unmet urges (suffering) that you are trying to meet with behavior that completely misses the target. Welcome to humanity.

Healthy Humans

When you make an appointment, counselors don’t judge you because we’ve all been there. We all have urges we’ve allowed to dictate our speed, our relationships, and our health. Your counselor’s job?

  1. Help the hurting identify underlying emotions so they can
  2. Disconnect unhealthy responses to normal emotions and
  3. Reconnect something that IS healthy and will positively affect their job, relationships, health, and freedom.

If you are struggling, you must take care of yourself. Need help? Worried about your own unhealthy behavior? Call a counselor today.

 

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Posted in Achieve Balance Today, Addiction, Affairs, Anger Management, Anxiety and Stress, FAQ about Therapy, Getting the Most from Therapy Sessions, Marriages and Relationships | No Comments »

How to Forgive

Wednesday, August 30th, 2017

In my business it’s pretty common to hear “I forgave her but I’m never going to forget,” or, “I’m a [insert religion of choice] and so I HAVE to forgive him/her.” My favorite, “Forgive your brother right now!” is one I heard a lot growing up.

When an offense occurs in a relationship the ‘Receiver’ (the one who was offended or impacted by the thing) will probably expect an apology from the ‘Actor’ (the one who did the thing). If the ‘Actor’ has read my blog on what makes a good apology, then he will know how to be more than just an apologizer. He will be a Rebuilder/Amends-Maker. A Rebuilder not only apologizes, he makes a conscious, visible effort to change. If he has not read my blog, then he may resort to justifying his actions, blaming situations outside of himself, blaming the Receiver, or minimizing the impact of his actions by saying things like, “I’ve been getting a lot better at quitting this behavior,” or, “I only hit you once this time!” or “If we had sex more often I wouldn’t cheat!”

This blog is about forgiveness. Forgiving the apologizer who tries to be a Rebuilder or Amends-Maker. Forgiving an Actor who justifies, minimizes, blames the receiver, or never apologizes in the first place. Yes, this blog is about how to forgive anyone easily. Because here’s the thing: Forgiveness isn’t a process or an event.

It is an AWAKENING.

When you get stung by a bee, you get angry and hurt and you may even kill the bee. In retrospect, you may say to yourself something like, “I hope I never get stung again,” and “well that’s what bees do.” From that day forward you may run away from bees, swat bees, or spray bees with insecticide (please don’t do that, bees are endangered), but you will never say “I wonder if I should keep that bee as a pet,” or “I think I’ll start a beehive in the middle of my kitchen.” Why? Because you learned that a bee sting hurts and distance from a bee keeps you both safe, comfortable, and alive.

This is acceptance. This is forgiveness.

Forgiveness/AWAKENING begins by recognizing the nature of the person who offended you, then choosing to draw near or create distance, and validating the feelings that follow.

Recognize

Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Too many of us don’t believe our friends, family, and lovers when they show us who they are the first time. When they cheat on the relationship, assault us physically and emotionally, betray us again and again, we choose to believe our own rose-colored glasses that tell us who we wish they would be. We feel anger rise up in us and we attack or retreat in the battle with the offender, but we refuse to let ourselves see them for who they are trying so desperately to show us they are.

So we go back. And we fight. And we run away. And we come back.

Recognizing the humanity in the offender is one of the deepest forms of love and respect we can offer. Recognizing that the offender will only change when he/she is ready and ending the battle to change him or her is life-changing. Letting go of ‘what could be’ and ‘what I want’ and surrendering to the free-fall of what is, can be terrifying. But it is in that moment of surrender, that we can choose.

Draw near or create distance

We can choose to draw near the offender. We can ask them to come to counseling. We can offer resources like rehab or residential treatment. We can let them know we are in this with them as long as there is positive movement toward relationship goals.

Or we can choose to distance from the offender. We can realize that we have been stung too many times. We can decide our health and comfort and safety are important too and seek to save ourselves. And finally, we can decide to let our offender remain who they choose to be without interference from us.

Validate the feelings that follow

If our offender chooses to unite with us and work on the relationship with a third party and become a rebuilder then we will validate our feelings of joy because we may yet get to experience intimacy. We will validate feelings of anger because after all, why didn’t they change before now? We will validate feelings of fear because what if they go back to their old ways? And finally, we will validate feelings of anxiousness as we watch our offender become someone who is open and healed, someone we’ve never met before.

If our offender chooses to sting again, then we will validate our grief. Shock, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance, will all need their turn in our consciousness. If we try to run back and put the beehive back in our kitchen, then our reliable offender will be sure to sting again and again. They will do this to remind us they are not a chunk of clay to be molded into the next comfort object; that they are who they are and they will change on their terms. So eventually, as our AWAKENING progresses, we will move through the stages of grief and understand that our offender has been trying to show us who they are for a long, long time.

Forgiveness is the moment when we AWAKEN to who our offender is and not who we wish they would be. When we save ourselves and allow the grief free reign over our consciousness and our decisions.

The bee, after all, is not bad. She is only a bee.

SaveSave

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Posted in Addiction, Affairs, Communication, Emotional, Family, Financial, Grief and Loss, Maintaining Addiction Recovery, Marriages and Relationships, Sexual | No Comments »

What Makes a GOOD Apology?

Thursday, August 17th, 2017

Apologies and forgiveness are two terms we (humans) tend to throw around quite a bit. What makes a good apology? Most of us know how it feels when we receive a sincere one, but it can be tough to explain to another person (especially if they have offended us) what a good apology is. Luckily, like most things I write about, there are three steps to understanding what makes a good apology:

  1. Divide the scene into ‘actor,’ and ‘receiver;’
  2. Validate your own feelings
  3. Ask/Act.

An offense usually involves an ‘actor’ and a ‘receiver.’

  • A car swerved on the freeway and your car received a dent.
  • Your wife had sex with your best friend and your marriage received a dent.
  • Your sister took a swing and your bicep received a dent.

Even if we know the driver was on the way to a hospital emergency, your wife was lonely, or your sister was mad because you called her ugly, we can still identify the person who ‘acted’ (did the thing), and the person who ‘received’ (was impacted by the thing). Dividing the scene not only allows us to identify the ‘actor’ and the ‘receiver,’ it allows us to have empathy with the actor without excusing his or her actions. For example, we can all empathize with a father who is driving erratically because his son is in the hospital, the wife who is lonely, or the sister who is angry. This empathy won’t pay for a damaged fender, repair a marriage, or heal an arm though. Furthermore, hospital emergencies don’t cause dents; loneliness doesn’t cause cheating; and teasing your sister doesn’t cause assault. Rule number one, filed under “things I was supposed to learn in Kindergarten,” is I am responsible for my own actions. This means we can have empathy for the actor AND expect her to exhibit self-control.

Validate your own feelings.

Empathy will help you forgive the actor in time, but for now we’ll put it aside so you can focus on how you feel. This can be tricky because so many of us get locked into the role of empathizer. We can all empathize with a parent who is out of sorts because he just found out his child had an accident. We’ve all been lonely in a relationship. We even know teasing is verbal abuse and recognize our sister’s anger when she pulls her fist back to hit us in the arm. Feelings don’t predict actions (for example, just because I feel hungry doesn’t mean I will go rob a bank to get the money to buy food). Rather, feelings help us tune in to what we need. When we feel hungry, we eat. When we feel the need to go to the bathroom, we excuse ourselves and try to locate the facilities. It’s vitally important as the ‘receiver’ that, for a time, you put aside empathy and recognize any feelings you have in this moment. You may feel scared after a car accident, betrayed after an affair is discovered, or shocked after getting hit in the arm. Take a moment and validate those feelings. Think about what you need, and decide what you might ask the actor to do or say in order to repair the relationship.

Act/Ask

First and foremost, you may ask the actor to say, ‘I’m sorry.’ Then, you may ask the actor to take responsibility for his or her actions without blaming, justifying, or minimizing the behavior. Finally, you may ask the actor to make a special effort to repair the relationship (often referred to as rebuilding or making amends). Put all of those together and voila! You have the makings of a great apology.

Let’s look at an example.

I live in a part of the country where the freeways are enormous and overcrowded. When there is a lull in traffic, lots of empty space, or the traffic is free to move, it is not uncommon for me to speed. Yes, I will put the pedal to the metal and push my little Jeep over the posted speed limit. I don’t feel like I am being dangerous, I only do it once in a while, and usually it is because even though I planned ahead, there is a wreck so I am running late. But yes, I speed. And I am sorry.

Is this a good apology or a bad apology? After all, I admitted my actions, (I broke the law) and I said, ‘I’m sorry.’

It was terrible!

  • I justified my actions by explaining, “I’m not dangerous”
  • I blamed a wreck for my actions
  • I minimized my actions by saying, “I only do it once in a while” (justifying, minimizing, and blaming are relationship killers by the way).

I could have made it even worse by saying things like, “I said I was sorry. Can’t you just drop it?” or, “Why can’t you trust me? I’m not speeding right now!”

On the other hand, a Rebuilder/Amends-Maker:

  • Is quiet. She apologizes and stops talking. She won’t justify, minimize, or blame and she will leave lots of empty conversation space.
  • Is busy. She is willing to go to therapy (or in my example, defensive driving), meet with healthy peers, read books, and generally work on herself, without pressure from the receiver.
  • Is humble. She won’t fight for her rights in an argument and she allows the receiver to feel (be sad or angry) after her actions.

If you find that the person who ‘acted’ is not able to make a good apology and rebuild, then you may need to act. If it’s a relationship you don’t care to maintain, then you may need to just walk away. If it’s a relationship that is important to you, then you may need a mediator to help you work on what’s going on. Don’t be surprised if you need to make some apologies and amends too, but don’t get ahead of yourself. Divide the scene and validate your feelings. Your important relationships will thrive from this model because old wounds will finally have a chance to heal.

 

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Posted in Addiction, Affairs, Anger Management, Blended Families, Communication, Emotional, Family, Financial, Maintaining Addiction Recovery, Making Strong Families, Marriages and Relationships, Narcissism, Sexual | No Comments »

What is a Boundary Anyway?

Friday, January 22nd, 2016

 

 

 

cowbigeyes

Good boundaries are a part of any good relationship. In fact, a relationship without boundaries will almost always have other symptoms: violence, emotional arguments, infidelity, addiction, emotional cutoffs, or debilitating enabling. The problem with boundaries? They can be hard on a relationship. The boundary-setter finds it hard because he dreads retaliation from the boundary-receiver. The boundary-receiver finds it hard because, well, no one really LIKES to receive a boundary. Here are three things everyone in a relationship needs to know about boundaries:

  1. Boundaries are designed to protect the boundary-setter, not the boundary receiver. Let’s say you love your neighbor, you love your neighbor’s cows, and you love your yard. You do not, however, love your neighbor’s cows IN your yard. In fact, you are starting to lose your serenity because of it. Since you value your yard and your serenity, you decide to build a fence. The cows are a little miffed because they can’t get to your grass and your neighbor is a little miffed because his view is now marred by your fence. You, on the other hand, feel pretty good because you have your serenity and your yard. Maybe your neighbor will realize your serenity helps the relationship and grow to appreciate your fence. Maybe he will harbor hurt feelings over your fence and never speak to you again.

Lesson: You built a fence because you started valuing your peace more than your neighbor’s peace. There is a possibility the relationship with your neighbor will suffer because of this shift. There is also a possibility the relationship will become better than ever.

  1. Boundaries are not the same as telling someone what to do. Let’s say you have the same neighbor, the same cows, the same yard, and the same budding resentment. You realize that a fence might hurt your neighbor’s feelings so you are going to try some things that are ‘less offending’ than a fence. Here’s what you try:
    1. You try to talk to your neighbor and tell him that if he cared about you he’d keep his cows on his own side.
    2. You tell your neighbor that it’s just common sense to keep his cows under control and if had any common sense, he would do that.
    3. You repeat 1. and 2. at all social gatherings, barbecues, and kids’ birthday parties until eventually he goes the other way when he sees you coming.
    4. You file a restraining order against your neighbor and his cows.
    5. You shoot the cows when they come in your yard.

Lesson: Nagging, guilt trips, threats, and acts of violence are attempts to change or control another person. Unlike boundaries they rarely protect your yard or your serenity and they always damage relationships.

  1. Boundaries will always require a change in your behavior, not your neighbor’s. Did the neighbor have a right to graze his cows on your grass? No. Did you have a right to be angry? Sure. Is it fair that you had to spend money and time and energy to build the fence when his cows are the problem? Yes. After all, you care more about your serenity (and your yard) than your neighbor does. Lesson: If you value it, then it’s up to you to protect it.

So the next time you are considering action because of a partner (or a neighbor) remember the difference between boundary setting and controlling. Boundaries are uncomfortable, sometimes costly, strategies designed to protect you. Controlling strategies are designed to change someone else’s behavior so you are more comfortable. Boundaries have the added benefit of improving a relationship. Controlling almost always results in relationship damage.

Kate Walker Ph.D., LPC, LMFT

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Taking Your Addiction or Disability to College

Monday, August 10th, 2015

Transition is Key

This month is all about ways you can help your child transition successfully to higher education and independence. My last article discussed helping your child make the transition, and this week I’m going over the services that are available at most colleges and universities. My next article will discuss ways to maintain clear communication with your student once he or she is away at school and construct a plan ‘B’ if you see they are struggling.

Sending a child off to college who has experienced emotional and behavioral struggles can be hard. Issues such as eating disorders, cutting, and substance abuse require the help of outside therapists and medical experts. Similarly, mood and behavior difficulties like depression, anxiety, or ADHD, may require additional educational interventions such as a 504 plan. Educational differences such as dyslexia and dysgraphia may also require special education interventions. By the time a child turns eighteen, most parents have become experts at accessing services that help their child feel better, stay healthy, and succeed in school. The question becomes, then, how do you help your adult child maintain the same level of interest in self-care and success when they go to college?

There is a School for You

Depending on your child, you can start by looking at colleges that address his or her need. The University of Iowa offers students with intellectual, cognitive, and learning disabilities access to the REACH program. Through The Learning Center on the West Virginia Wesleyan College campus, students with learning disabilities, attention disorders and other special needs can find a wide range of support options (http://www.bestcollegesonline.com/blog/2011/09/21/20-incredible-colleges-for-special-needs-students/). If you don’t know where to start, educational consultants can be a tremendous source of information to help your child plug in to the right college or university.

If your child has his or her heart set on a particular university, then be sure to tour services such as the student writing center and campus TRIO programs (federally funded programs on many campuses that offer everything from free tutoring, writing help, to financial help). Your child’s campus will always have an ADA office so include that in your visit when you take your college tour.

Make a Plan

Here are some tips from http://www.campusexplorer.com/college-advice-tips/B6B71A43/College-Advice-For-Students-With-A-504-Plan/

  • While a high school is required to identify your requirements and provide free appropriate public education to meet them, a post-secondary institution is not required to waive or change academic requirements. However, colleges cannot discriminate on the basis of disability, and must provide the necessary adjustments for you to function academically. This includes housing for students with disabilities that is comparable, accessible and affordable.
  • While disclosure of your disability to a college is voluntary, it is necessary in order to qualify for assistance. You may apply for an adjustment at any time, but it is recommended that you do so early. Initiate contact with a school before the college application process begins, and ask questions. It may take some procedural time for your application to go through, and requirements may vary amongst different colleges.
  • You will also need to provide proof of your disability, so be sure to research what is necessary for different institutions, and start your evaluations before senior year. Neither the state nor your college is responsible for the cost of obtaining documentation of your disability, but your state vocational rehabilitation agency may provide funding.

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Drug Use Among Teenagers

Thursday, February 14th, 2013

The pronouns ‘he’ and ‘she’ are alternated for brevity.

When parents are struggling with their teen using drugs or alcohol, they may choose therapy as an option. After the initial relief, however, comes the surprise at the amount of work placed squarely on their shoulders.

When a therapist specially trained to work with teens who are using initially meets with parents, he has one goal in mind: learn the family rules. This may take several sessions, but it is vital for the therapist to learn what is permitted in the home (respect, compensation for chores, doors locked/unlocked) and what is not permitted (eye-rolling, substance use, failing grades). If the therapist is confused by the rules, it is likely the teen is also.

Next the therapist will ask the parents to identify and prioritize two or three behaviors they wish to change. Of course using drugs or alcohol is the primary symptom, but typically grades, curfew, and respectful behaviors are identified as well. The list is kept short to maximize effort and success.

Finally, the therapist will need to know how the parents plan to ‘parent’ the identified behaviors (design and enforce consequences). This is important because not only must parents have a plan for the other six days their child is not in therapy, their influence must increase while the therapist’s decreases. Failure to do this could lead to the therapist becoming the ‘influential figure’ in the family (“didn’t the therapist tell you drinking was wrong?”) and this will lead to therapy becoming the consequence rather than the place for help and healing.

Leaving a session with a therapist trained to help teens who are using may leave parents confused. The hard work will pay off, though, and parents will have tools to help them help their child be successful, and drug and alcohol free.

 

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