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Archive for the ‘Affairs’ Category

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Pass on the Joint

Friday, July 2nd, 2021

ben franklin

Till Money do Us Part

As I go back and look at my blogs I like to reflect on how counter intuitive they are. Some may seem like a relief, others a surprise, but a disappointment? Rarely. Until today, that is. The one I’m writing today is, I believe, an absolute buzz kill. Why? Because I’m going to talk about something sacred and powerful, vital to marriage, and one of the most common reasons for divorce. No, it’s not sex. It’s money.

When couples decide to ‘get serious,’ it’s not sex or living quarters on the table, it’s the individual bank accounts. Combining bank accounts is as much a tradition for newlyweds as something borrowed and something blue. Before the Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1974 and it’s  stipulation that allowed women to establish their own credit history, joint accounts were an entrenched cultural tradition. So why is that a problem?

Money and Power

Problematic dependency is a recurring theme in most marriages. Struggles surrounding ‘who depends on whom for what’ are normal as roles and rules are negotiated, re-negotiated, decided, and re-decided.

“I’m in charge of our laundry because that’s how my mom did it.”

“But you just ruined all my dress shirts.”

“[Secretly cheering] Fine. Do your own laundry.”

“[Secretly cheering] If that’s what you really want. OK.”

In the new AMC show ‘Kevin Can Go F#@ck Himself’ the wife played by Annie Murphy from Schitt’s Creek realizes she’s been a victim of problematic dependency when she finds her shared bank account has been emptied by her husband (https://www.salon.com/2021/06/27/kevin-can-f-himself-joint-bank-accounts/). She tells her friend she let her husband handle their finances because “You know. I’m bad with money.” Her dependency on her husband didn’t just leave her broke, it left her powerless.

When money ceases to be a tool for trade and becomes instead an instrument to wield power over a partner, things can go sideways fast. Partners fearing poverty stay in abusive situations; partners who leave (or get left) end up co-parenting out of government housing while the kiddos spend the weekend at the ex-spouse’s million-dollar estate.

Love, Lies, and Bank Accounts

If the “money-is-power “issues aren’t enough, another major drawback of establishing a joint bank account is navigating seasons where partners are not communicating well (keeping secrets or making purchases without consulting the other spouse). Much like the ‘rules and roles’ laundry polka I described above, communicating poorly about money is NORMAL. Who hasn’t been secretive about a purchase or hidden a receipt? Consequences, however, can manifest as betrayal. Financial infidelity can feel as bad or worse than sexual or emotional infidelity because the partner who isn’t keeping secrets or making major purchases feels powerless AND broke.(https://www.thebalance.com/should-you-have-joint-or-separate-bank-accounts-1289664).

Too Petty and the Bank Breakers

So how do loving partners share money in an equitable and practical way? Easy. Follow the rule of three: Yours, Mine, and Ours.

Yours, Mine

Individual bank accounts solve the dilemma of ‘petty cash.’ What’s petty cash? That’s a pack of cigarettes here or a new golf club there. Sometimes it’s called ‘mad money,’ or a ‘fun money.’ While the holy grail of budgeting is out there I’m sure; the fact is, even the most conservative money advisors like Dave Ramsey 

advocate a line item in every budget called ‘fun money.’ https://www.ramseysolutions.com/budgeting/fun-money-in-budget. This allows couples to stick to a zero-based balanced budget and plan for independent, impulsive, random purchases. When something is discussed and planned, it can’t be a surprise. Couples can plan this line item in several ways:

  • A finite amount like an allowance (“OK we are each gonna have $50 to spend from our paychecks, no questions asked.”)
  • A flexible amount like a bonus, money left over after buying groceries, or income earned from an extra business venture
  • Family bonus where savings from all income sources is divided up at the end of the year for partners to spend how they wish

Either way the money has no strings attached. Once the funds are dispersed partners don’t feel like they are being monitored, micro-managed, or chastised.

NOTE: Families run into trouble when they don’t separate purchases made for the kids, the couple, or the house from ‘fun money.’ It may take some time to get disciplined, but don’t spend your fun money on a new weed whacker from Lowes or kids’ underwear at Target, and don’t fight over who pays for dinner.

OURS

Yes Virginia, there is a joint checking account that works. “Ours” is the joint bill paying account. The account is accessible by both parties so all transactions can be scrutinized. Each partner pays an agreed amount into the account and bills are set to auto-pay. Easy peasey.

Still Fighting?

If you are still fighting with your partner over the following:

  • You make more money than I do so it’s not fair that you have more fun money
  • You make more money than I do so you should pay more bills
  • It’s your turn to buy dinner this week I did it last week
  • You’re going on another trip/buying another toy/playing golf again?
  • You’re going to Target/getting another Amazon box/going grocery shopping again?

Then your problem is not about money it’s about trust. Go back and look through my blogs for topics on saying I’m sorry, making amends, and setting boundaries. If those don’t help, set up a 10 minute consultation and maybe a marriage counselor can help.

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Infidelity, Hunger, and Bank Robbery: Emotions Make Terrible Drivers

Thursday, April 30th, 2020

Crime and Empathy

I cannot know what it is like to rob a bank. Or, maybe I can, but I haven’t yet. I do, however, know what it is like to press my right foot against the gas pedal a little harder, to consciously look away from my speedometer, to cast glances at my rear-view and side-view mirrors for police, and to mentally practice the, “My husband was supposed to get my speedometer fixed officer. It’s been off five miles per hour for months,” speech.

I know what it’s like to want something so badly, even if it is just to get to  Trader Joe’s before it closes or to my daughter’s volleyball practice so the coach won’t count her late, that I cheat a little. This little nugget of self-realization means while I truly don’t know the urge to rob a bank, as a human with my own law-breaking nature, I can’t look down my nose at the person who does.

Hangry and Lonely

Urge (and its cousin crave) is a funny word. In Alcoholics Anonymous and Allanon we use the acronym H.A.L.T. to describe typical urges. The acronym stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When I work with clients I often add ‘thirst’ and ‘need to potty’ to that list. Urges are good things and key to our survival. If I am hungry, I need to eat. If I postpone eating, I won’t get less hungry as time goes by. In fact, I will grow more hungry and until I eat, I will enlist my emotions to make that happen. Unfortunately emotions are terrible behavior drivers.

For example let’s say I skip lunch and arrive home from work and see my kids’ toys in the driveway. Hungry now looks like anger and I yell at my kids about their toys. Once I eat, all is well with the world. Another example might be, what if I am a shy person and I feel lonely much of the time. I don’t recognize lonely but I do recognize the chocolate cake in my fridge. Instead of calling a friend (which is hard for me) I eat a chocolate cake. The result? I get a  wonderful  endorphin/serotonin hit from the cake but when I crash, I’m still lonely. I may never be brave enough to phone a friend, but I don’t have to be. I know where the cake is.

Urges and Healthy Behaviors

Emotions and urges are brothers-in-arms.  They are designed to work with cognition (our thoughts) to initiate behavior that keeps us healthy.  Go back to my ‘need to potty’ urge and see what I mean. You’re having a lovely conversation with the queen when your lunch begins to turn somersaults in your tummy. You know avoiding this urge is an invitation to disaster so you think of an excuse to politely exit the conversation and go take care of yourself. Rule of thumb? The longer you fight the urges, the sicker you become.

Counseling is about teaching our clients the language for urges so they can match them up with helpful thoughts and behaviors.  Like a miles-long contrail in the sky indicates there is a tiny jet way up there somewhere, infidelity, restricting food, or substance abuse are signs of underlying unmet urges. Unmet urges indicates there’s a lot of pain in there.

Where there is pain there is impulsivity, over-indulgence, restricting, and even healthy-looking things like high performance discipline routines, super healthy eating (orthorexia) and over training (follow David Goggins, author of Can’t Hurt Me if you don’t believe me). Over-ANYTHING can be a sign you have unmet urges (suffering) that you are trying to meet with behavior that completely misses the target. Welcome to humanity.

Healthy Humans

When you make an appointment, counselors don’t judge you because we’ve all been there. We all have urges we’ve allowed to dictate our speed, our relationships, and our health. Your counselor’s job?

  1. Help the hurting identify underlying emotions so they can
  2. Disconnect unhealthy responses to normal emotions and
  3. Reconnect something that IS healthy and will positively affect their job, relationships, health, and freedom.

If you are struggling, you must take care of yourself. Need help? Worried about your own unhealthy behavior? Call a counselor today.

 

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Posted in Achieve Balance Today, Addiction, Affairs, Anger Management, Anxiety and Stress, FAQ about Therapy, Getting the Most from Therapy Sessions, Marriages and Relationships | No Comments »

How to Forgive

Wednesday, August 30th, 2017

In my business it’s pretty common to hear “I forgave her but I’m never going to forget,” or, “I’m a [insert religion of choice] and so I HAVE to forgive him/her.” My favorite, “Forgive your brother right now!” is one I heard a lot growing up.

When an offense occurs in a relationship the ‘Receiver’ (the one who was offended or impacted by the thing) will probably expect an apology from the ‘Actor’ (the one who did the thing). If the ‘Actor’ has read my blog on what makes a good apology, then he will know how to be more than just an apologizer. He will be a Rebuilder/Amends-Maker. A Rebuilder not only apologizes, he makes a conscious, visible effort to change. If he has not read my blog, then he may resort to justifying his actions, blaming situations outside of himself, blaming the Receiver, or minimizing the impact of his actions by saying things like, “I’ve been getting a lot better at quitting this behavior,” or, “I only hit you once this time!” or “If we had sex more often I wouldn’t cheat!”

This blog is about forgiveness. Forgiving the apologizer who tries to be a Rebuilder or Amends-Maker. Forgiving an Actor who justifies, minimizes, blames the receiver, or never apologizes in the first place. Yes, this blog is about how to forgive anyone easily. Because here’s the thing: Forgiveness isn’t a process or an event.

It is an AWAKENING.

When you get stung by a bee, you get angry and hurt and you may even kill the bee. In retrospect, you may say to yourself something like, “I hope I never get stung again,” and “well that’s what bees do.” From that day forward you may run away from bees, swat bees, or spray bees with insecticide (please don’t do that, bees are endangered), but you will never say “I wonder if I should keep that bee as a pet,” or “I think I’ll start a beehive in the middle of my kitchen.” Why? Because you learned that a bee sting hurts and distance from a bee keeps you both safe, comfortable, and alive.

This is acceptance. This is forgiveness.

Forgiveness/AWAKENING begins by recognizing the nature of the person who offended you, then choosing to draw near or create distance, and validating the feelings that follow.

Recognize

Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Too many of us don’t believe our friends, family, and lovers when they show us who they are the first time. When they cheat on the relationship, assault us physically and emotionally, betray us again and again, we choose to believe our own rose-colored glasses that tell us who we wish they would be. We feel anger rise up in us and we attack or retreat in the battle with the offender, but we refuse to let ourselves see them for who they are trying so desperately to show us they are.

So we go back. And we fight. And we run away. And we come back.

Recognizing the humanity in the offender is one of the deepest forms of love and respect we can offer. Recognizing that the offender will only change when he/she is ready and ending the battle to change him or her is life-changing. Letting go of ‘what could be’ and ‘what I want’ and surrendering to the free-fall of what is, can be terrifying. But it is in that moment of surrender, that we can choose.

Draw near or create distance

We can choose to draw near the offender. We can ask them to come to counseling. We can offer resources like rehab or residential treatment. We can let them know we are in this with them as long as there is positive movement toward relationship goals.

Or we can choose to distance from the offender. We can realize that we have been stung too many times. We can decide our health and comfort and safety are important too and seek to save ourselves. And finally, we can decide to let our offender remain who they choose to be without interference from us.

Validate the feelings that follow

If our offender chooses to unite with us and work on the relationship with a third party and become a rebuilder then we will validate our feelings of joy because we may yet get to experience intimacy. We will validate feelings of anger because after all, why didn’t they change before now? We will validate feelings of fear because what if they go back to their old ways? And finally, we will validate feelings of anxiousness as we watch our offender become someone who is open and healed, someone we’ve never met before.

If our offender chooses to sting again, then we will validate our grief. Shock, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance, will all need their turn in our consciousness. If we try to run back and put the beehive back in our kitchen, then our reliable offender will be sure to sting again and again. They will do this to remind us they are not a chunk of clay to be molded into the next comfort object; that they are who they are and they will change on their terms. So eventually, as our AWAKENING progresses, we will move through the stages of grief and understand that our offender has been trying to show us who they are for a long, long time.

Forgiveness is the moment when we AWAKEN to who our offender is and not who we wish they would be. When we save ourselves and allow the grief free reign over our consciousness and our decisions.

The bee, after all, is not bad. She is only a bee.

SaveSave

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Posted in Addiction, Affairs, Communication, Emotional, Family, Financial, Grief and Loss, Maintaining Addiction Recovery, Marriages and Relationships, Sexual | No Comments »

What Makes a GOOD Apology?

Thursday, August 17th, 2017

Apologies and forgiveness are two terms we (humans) tend to throw around quite a bit. What makes a good apology? Most of us know how it feels when we receive a sincere one, but it can be tough to explain to another person (especially if they have offended us) what a good apology is. Luckily, like most things I write about, there are three steps to understanding what makes a good apology:

  1. Divide the scene into ‘actor,’ and ‘receiver;’
  2. Validate your own feelings
  3. Ask/Act.

An offense usually involves an ‘actor’ and a ‘receiver.’

  • A car swerved on the freeway and your car received a dent.
  • Your wife had sex with your best friend and your marriage received a dent.
  • Your sister took a swing and your bicep received a dent.

Even if we know the driver was on the way to a hospital emergency, your wife was lonely, or your sister was mad because you called her ugly, we can still identify the person who ‘acted’ (did the thing), and the person who ‘received’ (was impacted by the thing). Dividing the scene not only allows us to identify the ‘actor’ and the ‘receiver,’ it allows us to have empathy with the actor without excusing his or her actions. For example, we can all empathize with a father who is driving erratically because his son is in the hospital, the wife who is lonely, or the sister who is angry. This empathy won’t pay for a damaged fender, repair a marriage, or heal an arm though. Furthermore, hospital emergencies don’t cause dents; loneliness doesn’t cause cheating; and teasing your sister doesn’t cause assault. Rule number one, filed under “things I was supposed to learn in Kindergarten,” is I am responsible for my own actions. This means we can have empathy for the actor AND expect her to exhibit self-control.

Validate your own feelings.

Empathy will help you forgive the actor in time, but for now we’ll put it aside so you can focus on how you feel. This can be tricky because so many of us get locked into the role of empathizer. We can all empathize with a parent who is out of sorts because he just found out his child had an accident. We’ve all been lonely in a relationship. We even know teasing is verbal abuse and recognize our sister’s anger when she pulls her fist back to hit us in the arm. Feelings don’t predict actions (for example, just because I feel hungry doesn’t mean I will go rob a bank to get the money to buy food). Rather, feelings help us tune in to what we need. When we feel hungry, we eat. When we feel the need to go to the bathroom, we excuse ourselves and try to locate the facilities. It’s vitally important as the ‘receiver’ that, for a time, you put aside empathy and recognize any feelings you have in this moment. You may feel scared after a car accident, betrayed after an affair is discovered, or shocked after getting hit in the arm. Take a moment and validate those feelings. Think about what you need, and decide what you might ask the actor to do or say in order to repair the relationship.

Act/Ask

First and foremost, you may ask the actor to say, ‘I’m sorry.’ Then, you may ask the actor to take responsibility for his or her actions without blaming, justifying, or minimizing the behavior. Finally, you may ask the actor to make a special effort to repair the relationship (often referred to as rebuilding or making amends). Put all of those together and voila! You have the makings of a great apology.

Let’s look at an example.

I live in a part of the country where the freeways are enormous and overcrowded. When there is a lull in traffic, lots of empty space, or the traffic is free to move, it is not uncommon for me to speed. Yes, I will put the pedal to the metal and push my little Jeep over the posted speed limit. I don’t feel like I am being dangerous, I only do it once in a while, and usually it is because even though I planned ahead, there is a wreck so I am running late. But yes, I speed. And I am sorry.

Is this a good apology or a bad apology? After all, I admitted my actions, (I broke the law) and I said, ‘I’m sorry.’

It was terrible!

  • I justified my actions by explaining, “I’m not dangerous”
  • I blamed a wreck for my actions
  • I minimized my actions by saying, “I only do it once in a while” (justifying, minimizing, and blaming are relationship killers by the way).

I could have made it even worse by saying things like, “I said I was sorry. Can’t you just drop it?” or, “Why can’t you trust me? I’m not speeding right now!”

On the other hand, a Rebuilder/Amends-Maker:

  • Is quiet. She apologizes and stops talking. She won’t justify, minimize, or blame and she will leave lots of empty conversation space.
  • Is busy. She is willing to go to therapy (or in my example, defensive driving), meet with healthy peers, read books, and generally work on herself, without pressure from the receiver.
  • Is humble. She won’t fight for her rights in an argument and she allows the receiver to feel (be sad or angry) after her actions.

If you find that the person who ‘acted’ is not able to make a good apology and rebuild, then you may need to act. If it’s a relationship you don’t care to maintain, then you may need to just walk away. If it’s a relationship that is important to you, then you may need a mediator to help you work on what’s going on. Don’t be surprised if you need to make some apologies and amends too, but don’t get ahead of yourself. Divide the scene and validate your feelings. Your important relationships will thrive from this model because old wounds will finally have a chance to heal.

 

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Infidelity: A Blueprint for Recovery Part 3 – Apologizer versus Rebuilder

Monday, November 23rd, 2015

In the last blog, I talked about triggers and grief, especially over the holidays. Emotions can be surprisingly intense due to the anniversary effect and the pressure to have a ‘perfect’ holiday for family and in-laws despite the disharmony. The final steps in our blueprint for recovery for couples surviving betrayal, infidelity, and cheating is understanding and explaining the difference between an Apologizer and a Rebuilder.

When an affair is discovered or revealed in a committed relationship and the couple decides to stay together, the betrayed *partner will probably expect an apology from the betrayer. What *she may not know, however, is it is much more powerful if her apologizing spouse becomes a rebuilding spouse. An apologizer does just that; he apologizes. A rebuilder not only apologizes, he makes a conscious, visible effort to change.

I’ll give you an example. I live in a part of the country where the freeways are enormous and overcrowded. When there is a lull in traffic, or lots of empty space, or the traffic is free to move, it is not uncommon for me to speed. Yes I will put the pedal to the metal and push my little Jeep over the posted speed limit. I don’t feel like I am being dangerous, I only do it once in a while, and usually it is because even though I planned ahead, there is a wreck so I am running late. But yes I speed. And I am sorry.

So let’s see what just happened. I admitted wrongdoing (I broke the law) and I apologized. That puts me in the category of ‘Apologizer.’ I am not a ‘Rebuilder’ though because I justified my actions by explaining I’m not dangerous, I blamed a wreck, and I minimized my actions by saying ‘I only do it once in a while.’ Justifying minimizing and blaming are relationship killers and they can derail affair recovery efforts. I could have continued by saying things like, “I said I was sorry. Can’t you drop it?” or, “Why can’t you trust me? I’m not speeding right now!”

Rebuilding takes apologizing to another level. First, Rebuilders are quiet. They apologize and then stop talking. They don’t justify, minimize, and blame and they leave lots of empty conversation space. Second, Rebuilders are busy. They are going to therapy (or in my case defensive driving), meeting with healthy peers, reading books, and generally working on themselves, without pressure from the betrayed spouse, so they don’t ever do the behavior again. Finally, Rebuilders are humble. In most of the literature on affair recovery, this is the most important quality. They don’t fight for their rights in arguments and they allow the betrayed partner to grieve.

If you betrayed (or broke the law) remember, apologizing is not the same as rebuilding a relationship. If you have been betrayed, don’t settle for an apologizer.

*Genders and the words ‘partner’ and ‘spouse’ will be interchanged throughout these articles.

 

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Infidelity: A Blueprint for Recovery Part 2 – Taking infidelity recovery into the holiday season and dealing with grief, trauma, and triggers

Monday, November 16th, 2015

In my last blog, I talked about a blueprint for recovery for couples surviving betrayal, infidelity, and cheating. I explained that the *betrayed spouse’s reaction to The Discovery, or revelation, of sexual, emotional, or financial infidelity could be compared to, or diagnosed as, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As we approach the holidays, it’s important to understand that the betrayed spouse’s feelings of sadness, despondency, anger, and disengagement can be exacerbated by environmental triggers such as the ‘anniversary effect’ and holiday sensory overload.

The anniversary effect is the term we use to describe the return of the intense pain on or near the anniversary of The Discovery. This can be devastating for the betrayed spouse because he may have been feeling as though the pain was finally manageable. When intense emotions such as difficulty concentrating, trouble sleeping, or becoming emotional with little provocation return, he may find himself questioning his marriage and his sanity. What happened?

When an affair is discovered or revealed the betrayed spouse feels intense pain immediately. Unbeknownst to him while he was experiencing the pain, his body was recording stimuli such as the angle of the sun, the temperature outside, sunrise and sunset times, aromas, and sounds (read The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk). If he discovered his partner’s infidelity around the winter holiday season in the United States, his body was registering some pretty intense stimuli: the end of daylight savings, holiday decoration displays, and holiday music in stores, the smell of traditional food. As the anniversary of The Discovery approached, his body was registering the stimuli, remembering, and feeling.

Even if The Discovery occurred at another time during the year, holidays (even those without the intense environmental overload) can still be difficult. Surviving an affair may mean grieving the idea of a ‘perfect’ holiday, vacation, reunion, or other traditional family time. Betrayed spouses may notice they feel like they are ‘faking it’ for the sake of the kids or the in-laws, or trying to create an ‘amazing’ holiday in spite of their pain.

If you are recovering from infidelity and you notice you are feeling emotional, disconnected, angry, or sad and you can’t pinpoint why, take a look at the calendar. Remember, triggers are on your radio, at the movie theater, outside your window, and in your shopping mall. You are not going crazy – your body is just remembering.

Next time: Infidelity Recovery Part 3: Apologizer vs. Rebuilder

*Genders and the words ‘partner’ and ‘spouse’ will be interchanged throughout these articles.

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Infidelity: A Blueprint for Recovery Part 1 – The Why

Wednesday, September 30th, 2015

So what exactly is a blueprint for recovery when it comes to betrayal, infidelity, and cheating?

It might help to look at traditional marriage counseling and make a comparison. Traditional marriage counseling, when infidelity is not involved, means the therapist asks questions about strengths, weaknesses, recurring arguments, each individual’s perception of the problem, what does ‘better’ look like, etc.

In affair-recovery counseling the therapist asks the same questions, but he is mindful of one critical issue: no matter how the couple answers the questions, he cannot draw the conclusion that the non-betraying spouse caused the betrayal. How do we know this, you ask? Because human behavior is complex and we can never establish cause and effect relationships. I’ll give you my bank robber example.

Let’s say you line up five hungry people. Four of those people decide to apply for a job, go to work, get paid, and buy food. The fifth person robs a bank. Did hunger cause the fifth person to rob the bank? Of course not. Robbing the bank was a choice. A blueprint for recovery acknowledges there may be problems in the marriage, but problems can never cause a betraying spouse to act unfaithfully.

At Achievebalance and Ann’s Place we take a lot of time to train our Licensed Professionals and our Resident interns to work with couples trying to survive infidelity. Many times, therapists need to work through their own issues about cheating and betrayal so they don’t lay their faulty beliefs about the ‘why’ on the couple they are trying to help. If you are a betrayed partner and a friend, family member, or therapist is trying to tell you that something you did or did not do caused your partner to cheat, just walk away. Quickly.

When a spouse discovers his partner’s infidelity he experiences emotions like the grief one experiences when learning about the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one. The shock is so intense research has compared it to Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). A blueprint for affair recovery accommodates those symptoms and describes step-by-step how the betraying partner can earn her partner’s trust again.

Next time:

Infidelity: A Blueprint for Recovery

Part 2: Grief, trauma, and triggers. Why does it take so long to heal?

 

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You Found an Affair, Now What?

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2015

Maybe you were looking through your husband’s phone and you accidentally came upon an undeleted text. Perhaps you were already suspicious and you were intentionally accessing your wife’s facebook account. Whatever your motives were, what you found is unmistakable evidence your spouse is having an affair. Now what?

First, don’t get hung up on definitions. An affair is a betrayal. My favorite definition of betrayal is: to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling; to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to; or to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence. This can cover everything from flirtations on Facebook to one night stands. In fact, we are finding that financial infidelity is outpacing sexual and emotional affairs when it comes to leading causes of divorce. Bottom line, if you feel that what you discovered meets the criteria for a betrayal, then you get to define it as an affair.

Next, take some time. An affair does not mean your marriage has to end in divorce. What you feel right now is grief. This grief can feel as sharp as grief you would feel if you lost a loved one. You will go through the stages of grief: shock, anger, denial, bargaining, depression/sadness, and acceptance. If your discovery is recent, you may be in shock. In seconds you could feel angry, then sad. Making major decisions right now is probably not a good idea so call a friend, go on a walk, take the weekend and go away for awhile but don’t pull the plug on your marriage.

Finally, after you have taken the time you need, decide if you want help. An affair is survivable. There are lots of great books including Harley’s “Surviving an Affair,” and MacDonald’s “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair,” that can guide your next steps. If you choose to get professional help you must find someone who understands the process of recovery. Affair Recovery must come before ‘marriage counseling’ and any therapist who confuses the two may damage things further.

One last thing: an affair is not your fault. Every married person feels lonely, abandoned, frustrated, or angry at some point, but not everyone steps out of the marriage vows and betrays a spouse. An affair is a choice just like robbing a bank.

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After an Affair: Affair Recovery for Couples After Infidelity has Occurred

Thursday, February 21st, 2013

The tough work after an affair starts with the revelation. Once both the partners are aware of the infidelity and the choice is made to stay married then it’s time to dive into the recovery process. In my experience helping people survive an affair I’ve been taught there’s almost no bounds to the desire to try to save the marriage. My job is to help couples divide the work and work smarter.

The partner who had the affair must work on humility. Frequently I call this staying low. Humility means there’s never any push back when the betrayed partner makes a request never any editing when replying to a direct inquiry and never any exhibiting hostility when responding to the deceived partner’s hostility.

Humility can be very tough for the partner who had the affair for a few reasons. First and foremost she most likely has anger she never dealt with that let her excuse or rationalize her affair. She may feel like she isn’t permitted to exhibit her unmet needs in the restoration process and so the process of stuffing the emotion may begin all over again leading to bitterness and possibly acting out.

The partner who was deceived has very well the hardest task of all in counseling. He must choose to offer forgiveness after infidelity has happened. If recovering couples decide they do not want counseling forgiveness may never be addressed or it may be ignored in favor of punishment. In treatment the marriage counselor helps the deceived partner release the frustration which leaves room for forgiving if he decides. The counselor also helps the deceived partner understand that forgiveness is not for the partner who had the affair it is for him and his well-being.

Working diligently during affair recovery isn’t enough. Both partners must divide the work and focus their energy on working smart. The result will be contented individuals and a marriage on its way to recovery.

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Infidelity in Elder Care

Monday, January 14th, 2013

When two nursing home residents Art and Frieda started to hold hands, kiss, and generally enjoy one another’s company, family members became livid. Why? Art and Frieda are married, however, not to each other.
When family members tried to intervene by contacting and asking the nursing home staff to prohibit contact between the two, the ethics governing body responded that the autonomy of the couple superseded the wishes of the family. Not only that, but when it came to taking care of the elderly, the staff had no right to keep the two apart nor administer medication to ‘dampen’ their desires. This case, reported from Sweden, reflects that infidelity is a growing problem for senior citizen homes, nursing home staff and nursing home patient family members. How should family members respond to this type of infidelity in marriage?
Family members can help each other by first assessing whether this attraction is due to who Dad really is (talkative, funny, gregarious) or if some personality change has taken place due to the dementia. After the initial shock, families who see Dad spending time with someone in the nursing home who is not his wife often report how happy he looks and how much joy they seem to share. If a personality change has occurred the attraction may be a reflection of this different personality and not a reflection of the dad they love and remember.
If a cognitive deficit has taken place (long term memory loss) then families must consider: if we cannot recall past promises are we morally bound by them? Many poignant movies have been written about an individual successfully wooing his partner who has forgotten her vows due to brain injury or dementia.
This is a romantic portrayal, however, and the reality is spouses of unfaithful dementia patients feel betrayed. Emotional distress increases if Dad has had a history of infidelity. Family members can respond to this by supporting Mom, one another, and getting outside help if needed.

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