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How to Define Betrayal

Sunday, October 21st, 2012

Imagine this:

An individual walks toward a park filled with family and friends. From a safe distance and without warning, he takes a grenade out of his pocket, pulls the pin, and tosses it into the crowd. The explosion is devastating. He rushes to his car, pulls out a paramedic’s uniform, and rushes back to the scene where he earnestly tries to administer first aid. He is shocked when his loved ones react with anger and confusion at his attempts to comfort and heal their pain.

If something like this really happened it would make the headlines, right? In reality, it happens every day but it remains a secret, it is confined to private homes, or it is exposed in the offices of marriage counselors. The scenario describes the confusion and pain of infidelity, and implies the difficult, betrayed meaning for the spouse.

As a marriage counselor specializing in infidelity I try to help recovering couples understand the confusion behind this cycle and how to define betrayal. We know the pain experienced by the betrayed can be similar to the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder experienced by soldiers wounded in battle. The injured spouse may experience anxiety and depression, insomnia and intrusive thoughts, hyper-vigilance and an inability to maintain daily activities.

As the betrayer rushes in to comfort the damage he has caused, his partner vacillates between wanting intense closeness and insisting he get away or leave the home. Couples in this stage may actually experience great sex, intimate conversations, and open emotional expression. Just as quickly, however, their closeness can turn to confusion, anger, and even violence because of the blurred lines between trust and betrayal. This initial roller coaster is normal but it may be difficult for family and friends to be supportive (remember they were part of the collateral damage too).

Couples struggling to find equilibrium may discover they need the help of a professional who understands the cycle of infidelity recovery and who can offer the hope the couple needs.

Dr. Kate Walker, Ph.D. is the Owner and CEO of achievebalance.org© and the non-profit counseling center Ann’s Place. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Supervisor.

Tags: Does Marriage Counseling Work, emotional affairs, ending an affair, having affairs, illicit afair, Infidelity, marriage after an affair, marriage and family counsleing, Marriage and Family Therapy Programs, Marriage Counseling Houston
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Navigating Relationship Infidelity: Dealing with Relationship Trouble and Rebuilding a Relationship

Friday, September 7th, 2012

In my private practice, when I first talk with a couple struggling to survive relationship infidelity, I take them through an assessment. When I ask, ‘what were your expectations for marriage?’ clients generally say, “A companion,” “Someone to grow old with,” or “Someone to share my life with.” I have yet to hear a couple tell me explicitly, “I expected monogamy.”

According to a recent study from Good in Bed (www.goodinbed.com), ninety percent of respondents do expect monogamy defined as a relationship in which two partners are romantically and sexually exclusive (Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2012/08/22/startling-infidelity-numbers-does-happily-ever-after-exist/#ixzz24lYzgmGB). In fact, only thirteen percent of their respondents stated they had actually negotiated monogamy with their partner.

So why does this sort of relationship trouble happen? In my practice most unfaithful clients imply they were not getting their needs met by their partner. My clients represent the small slice of infidelity casualties seeking help through therapy, however, so I’m not surprised respondents from the survey indicated infidelity happens due to curiosity, lack of sexual novelty, and boredom.

As a therapist who deals mainly with couples struggling with infidelity I am not shocked by these statistics or by the reasons. In fact, after I educate a couple that no matter what the non-cheating spouse did or did not do he/she did not make the cheating partner have the affair, I help the couple unpack or ‘deconstruct’ the assumptions they have about their relationship. These can include assumptions about monogamy, sex, parenting, work, and relationships with friends and extended family. Once couples are able to see why they define their relationship a certain way I can help them ‘reconstruct’ it into something they can both enjoy.

For the fifty percent of survey respondents who did not end their relationship due to infidelity, there is hope. Intentionally rebuilding a relationship by deconstructing and reconstructing with the help of a therapist can lead to the relationship they always wanted.

Dr. Kate Walker, Ph.D., LPC, LMFT has experience assisting adolescents and their families with issues such as addiction, anger management, depression, anxiety, communication, parenting, and stress management.

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Understanding Infidelity: a Sexual Affair, an Emotional Affair, an Affair Online

Saturday, July 21st, 2012

When counseling couples who are trying to survive infidelity, one of the first tasks for the therapist helping the couple through affair recovery is to help the couple define what exactly happened, and what is meant by uttering the word, “affair?”

Was it an affair if the offending partner only had sex with the paramour one time and there are no lingering affectionate feelings?

Was it an affair if the offending partner shared intimate details about the relationship, kept meetings and communications a secret from the non-offending partner, but never had sex (usually coined as an emotional affair)?

Was it an affair online, where the offending partner never actually met the paramour face to face? Affairs are the cause of anywhere between 50% and 60% of divorces yet a commonly accepted definition for the term “affair” is elusive.

Like a disease that can only be accurately diagnosed post mortem, one way to diagnose an affair is to examine the resulting damage. In almost all cases the non-offending partner reports feelings of betrayal, trauma, and insecurity. Diseases are common due to unprotected sex. Divorce can follow.

Another way to determine whether or not a relationship qualifies as an affair by definition is to determine the level of secrecy. Were instant messages from the paramour deleted? Were the passwords to Facebook and email accounts kept a secret from the non-offending partner? Were meetings with the paramour conveniently omitted when describing daily activities? If a relationship outside the committed relationship elicits overt lies or lies of omission, then with or without sex the relationship has the trappings of an affair.

A commonly accepted definition for infidelity is difficult because the feelings and post-discovery reactions are so personal. Regardless of the definition one assigns to an affair, if an outside relationship has the potential for trauma, disease, and emotional damage to the partner in the committed relationship, or, if lies are necessary to maintain it, it is probably wise to avoid it.

Infidelity, however defined, is a destructive force. Never the less, when faced with the reality of it, what is done is done. Yet affair recovery is possible if the couple is determined to build strong roads of trust and faithfulness once more. A licensed and certified therapist in marital counseling will be an invaluable assistant in the process.

Dr. Kate Walker Ph.D. is owner and CEO of achievebalance.org found in The Woodlands TX. A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Supervisor, she is trained as a marriage and family expert. Dr. Walker specializes in couples and families, especially those struggling to survive addictions and infidelity.

Tags: having affairs, illicit afair, Infidelity, marriage after an affair, marriage and family counsleing, Marriage and Family Therapy Programs, Marriage Counseling Houston
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Financial Infidelity

Saturday, July 14th, 2012

When the word infidelity is mentioned most people think of sexual betrayal. Since the recession of 2009, however, financial infidelity has started to share some of the spotlight. According to one source, financial infidelity is beginning to pass sexual infidelity as one of the leading causes of breakups. So what is financial infidelity and what is the impact on committed relationships?

Financial infidelity is often described in terms of ‘hiding money.’ For example, one partner in a committed relationship fails to disclose the whereabouts of a savings account, lies about a purchase or withdrawal from a joint bank account, or maintains a hidden line of credit. Another sign is the failure of one partner to disclose financial difficulty to the other partner.

The impact of this failure to disclose on a committed relationship can be quite severe. Many respondents in the survey viewed financial cheating as harshly as they viewed sexual infidelity. In fact many believed that financial infidelity could be a precursor to sexual infidelity because ‘if you can lie about money, you can lie about sex.’ Unfaithfulness in marriage is, after all, unfaithfulness in marriage, whatever state it may take.

As a marriage counselor I often see couples whose financial infidelity began in courtship when one partner lied to the other about tarnished credit or exorbitant debt. While that is rarely the reason a couple seeks therapy, early financial infidelity is often described as one of the many hurts or betrayals that has led to the current difficulties.

Talking about money can be as awkward as talking about sex for some couples. Some good habits for struggling couples are:

Setting and keeping a budget
Agreeing on future goals, and
Developing a way for each partner to spend budgeted money with ‘no questions asked.’

Taking steps to safeguard your relationship from the temptation of financial cheating will not only build trust, it will increase intimacy and possibly inoculate against future infidelity.

Dr. Kate Walker Ph.D. is owner and CEO of achievebalance.org found in The Woodlands TX.

Tags: financial cheating, financial infidelity, Infidelity, unfaithfulness in marriage
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Affairs: Can a Marriage Recover?

Thursday, February 16th, 2012

An affair strikes a devastating blow to a marriage. Whether the affair was a one-night stand, an emotional affair, or an illicit affair – an emotional affair combined with a physical relationship – the effects of having affairs can be long lasting.

Why it Happens

How does a marriage become the victim of an affair? Before the dynamics can be explored, it is important to understand that one partner cannot cause the other to have an affair. The decision to go outside the marriage to meet physical and emotional needs is just that, a decision. A spouse who feels his or her partner has become physically or emotionally unavailable may begin to depend on people or things outside the marriage to alleviate feelings of distress. A husband may decide to put in more hours at work where he can feel successful and appreciated. A wife may devote more time and energy to the kids because they help her feel loved and needed. When partners become accustomed to turning to things or people outside the marital dyad in times of distress they may become candidates for having affairs of one kind or the other.

Emotional Affairs Just As Harmful

Emotional affairs are incredibly insidious because they seem so harmless. Emotional affairs usually begin as a simple friendship. Sharing intimate details about marital distress or keeping secrets from spouses are signs that the friendship may be crossing the line. In the age of social media and texting, emotional affairs are prevalent as spouses feel emboldened by the anonymity of cyberspace to flirt and fantasize with online friends and coworkers.

Surviving Both the Emotional and the Illicit Affair

All-too-common emotional affairs, just as much as the illicit affair, can be devastating, but all types of affairs are survivable. One resource I highly recommend is Harley’s Surviving An Affair. Also, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist can help spouses dealing with this issue walk through the steps of honesty and transparency and achieve forgiveness, acceptance, and hope.

Tags: emotional affairs, having affairs, illicit afair, Marriage and Family Therapy Programs
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