Affairs | Achieve Balance Dr. Kate Walker

Archive for the ‘Affairs’ Category

Affair Recovery: How to Recover After an Affair

Monday, January 7th, 2013

In my years counseling, I have worked with several couples through the tragedy of sexual, emotional, and now the common financial cheating. I have seen some amazing recoveries. Couples who recover use affair recovery as an opportunity to create the best marriage they presumably can. The following is a summary of some “lessons learned” by couples have experienced after an affair (the pronouns “he” and “she” are swapped for simplicity).

First, sexual attraction and desire are normal, whereas acting on that behavior is where trouble starts. Accept the incontrovertible fact that you and your partner could be interested in people during your marriage, and target your energy on what is satisfactory to get on with next.

Second, life brings enticement and we really need to have plans to nip it in the bud if and when it strikes. Ask, “If my better half was feeling interested in somebody outside the relationship, could she trust me to handle those feelings and help her?” If the answer’s no, the plan should ideally include allowing anyone at any time to talk about feelings with a therapist or a reliable advisor.

3rd, take resposibility for your love language! Are you attracted to a certain appearance? Does the ability to make funny banter get your pulse racing? Does a particular talent or pursuit make your knees weak? Listen to these triggers, and ensure you don’t hire, go to lunch with alone, work out at the gymnasium, or Facebook with anyone who speaks your love language.

4th, Don’t put down or make excuses for your struggling spouse. Affairs require logistical back-flips and mental moral gymnastics that would put Cirque de Soleil to embarrassment. If you have the time to cheat, you have the time to prevent it. Eventually, if you have enough time to cheat, you have sufficient time to recover. Telling your other half you don’t have time for a wedding recovery activity like marriage advice, a church wedding retreat, or a once-per-week check-in breakfast with a trainer is a cop-out. The time after infidelity can seem just like predicting a cliff-dive; be brave and take the plunge not only for you but for your spouse.

Tags: Does Marriage Counseling Work, emotional affairs, ending an affair, having affairs, Infidelity, marriage after an affair, Marriage and Family Therapy Programs, Marriage Counseling Houston
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Online Infidelity: Finding New Friends on Adult Social Networks and Emotional Cheating

Friday, December 28th, 2012

The advent of social media and user friendly communication technology has made it increasingly easy to connect instantaneously and always be finding new friends. Unfortunately they can make it more likely for friendships to turn into flirtations and flirtations into full blown affairs. Here are 10 signs that your online friendship could be turning into an emotional affair or emotional cheating.

Ask these questions: is your communication flirtatious? Are you sending any photos of yourself? Are you hiding or deleting texts emails or Facebook messages sent by your web buddy? Have you lied to your committed partner about any aspects (number of texts, mails, content of communication, kinds of words used of your online friend’s communications).

It is also necessary to consider if you have created an e-mail account just for your internet friendship without your committed partner’s knowing. Are you constantly checking in order to see if your friend has made contact with you? Do you feeldown when you haven’t heard from your web fellowship for a while? Also, after a long silence from your online buddy, do you worry or maybe obsess about whether your last correspondence wasok or whether it wastaken the wrong way?

Do you find yourself becoming cold toward your committed partner? Online friendships can be something more if you’re picturing your online friendship while making love to your committed partner. Is your communication becoming more sexual? Consistently wondering what it might be like to be in a committed relationship with your web closeness falls into this situation as well. Have you shared details about your committed relationship with your internet fellowship?

According to current statistical data, adult social networks like Facebook, as well as texting, have been cited in a big number of divorce cases suggesting the danger to the most important committed relationship is real. If you answered yes to any one of these questions you could need to stop and think about where your web friendship is taking your committed relationship.

Tags: emotional affairs, ending an affair, having affairs, marriage after an affair
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Defining Infidelity in Pop Culture

Friday, December 14th, 2012

Infidelity is often defined as a betrayal of trust. More specifically; it is a sexual or emotional betrayal of trust within a committed relationship. For women, the thought of great sex usually involves a scenario in which there is flirtation, romance, and foreplay. Men, on the other hand, usually imagine great sex as the time when there were interesting positions or long duration. These facts are well known in the publishing industry which has responded readily with such visual magazines as Playboy and books that are more story and plot-based like Harlequin Romances and 50 Shades of Grey.

But does simply reading stories about people having romantic sex or looking at pictures of the sex act qualify as infidelity? We know that infidelity involves some core conditions. For example:

You are keeping a relationship a secret from your partner.
There is a sexual chemistry between you and a friend. You notice you become aroused when you see, interact with, or think of your friend.
You become less aroused by your committed partner, or, you picture your friend when you are having sex with your partner.

So although you are reading and not interacting with a person, your partner may feel betrayed if the core conditions are being met. For instance:

You may have no problem describing your reading material to your partner (or you may even share the material with your partner) but you find you resist telling your partner the exact amount of time you spend engaged in the activity.
If your reading results in increased sexual arousal that leads to masturbation you may find you seek the material out more often leading to less frequent and/or less satisfying sex with your partner.

If your partner notices he or she is competing for your attention and affection, or it is discovered you are keeping the reading a secret, then feelings of betrayal and infidelity may result.

Tags: emotional affairs, ending an affair, having affairs, Infidelity, marriage and family counseling, Marriage and Family Therapy Programs
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How to Define Betrayal

Sunday, October 21st, 2012

Imagine this:

An individual walks toward a park filled with family and friends. From a safe distance and without warning, he takes a grenade out of his pocket, pulls the pin, and tosses it into the crowd. The explosion is devastating. He rushes to his car, pulls out a paramedic’s uniform, and rushes back to the scene where he earnestly tries to administer first aid. He is shocked when his loved ones react with anger and confusion at his attempts to comfort and heal their pain.

If something like this really happened it would make the headlines, right? In reality, it happens every day but it remains a secret, it is confined to private homes, or it is exposed in the offices of marriage counselors. The scenario describes the confusion and pain of infidelity, and implies the difficult, betrayed meaning for the spouse.

As a marriage counselor specializing in infidelity I try to help recovering couples understand the confusion behind this cycle and how to define betrayal. We know the pain experienced by the betrayed can be similar to the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder experienced by soldiers wounded in battle. The injured spouse may experience anxiety and depression, insomnia and intrusive thoughts, hyper-vigilance and an inability to maintain daily activities.

As the betrayer rushes in to comfort the damage he has caused, his partner vacillates between wanting intense closeness and insisting he get away or leave the home. Couples in this stage may actually experience great sex, intimate conversations, and open emotional expression. Just as quickly, however, their closeness can turn to confusion, anger, and even violence because of the blurred lines between trust and betrayal. This initial roller coaster is normal but it may be difficult for family and friends to be supportive (remember they were part of the collateral damage too).

Couples struggling to find equilibrium may discover they need the help of a professional who understands the cycle of infidelity recovery and who can offer the hope the couple needs.

Dr. Kate Walker, Ph.D. is the Owner and CEO of achievebalance.org© and the non-profit counseling center Ann’s Place. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Supervisor.

Tags: Does Marriage Counseling Work, emotional affairs, ending an affair, having affairs, illicit afair, Infidelity, marriage after an affair, marriage and family counsleing, Marriage and Family Therapy Programs, Marriage Counseling Houston
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Navigating Relationship Infidelity: Dealing with Relationship Trouble and Rebuilding a Relationship

Friday, September 7th, 2012

In my private practice, when I first talk with a couple struggling to survive relationship infidelity, I take them through an assessment. When I ask, ‘what were your expectations for marriage?’ clients generally say, “A companion,” “Someone to grow old with,” or “Someone to share my life with.” I have yet to hear a couple tell me explicitly, “I expected monogamy.”

According to a recent study from Good in Bed (www.goodinbed.com), ninety percent of respondents do expect monogamy defined as a relationship in which two partners are romantically and sexually exclusive (Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2012/08/22/startling-infidelity-numbers-does-happily-ever-after-exist/#ixzz24lYzgmGB). In fact, only thirteen percent of their respondents stated they had actually negotiated monogamy with their partner.

So why does this sort of relationship trouble happen? In my practice most unfaithful clients imply they were not getting their needs met by their partner. My clients represent the small slice of infidelity casualties seeking help through therapy, however, so I’m not surprised respondents from the survey indicated infidelity happens due to curiosity, lack of sexual novelty, and boredom.

As a therapist who deals mainly with couples struggling with infidelity I am not shocked by these statistics or by the reasons. In fact, after I educate a couple that no matter what the non-cheating spouse did or did not do he/she did not make the cheating partner have the affair, I help the couple unpack or ‘deconstruct’ the assumptions they have about their relationship. These can include assumptions about monogamy, sex, parenting, work, and relationships with friends and extended family. Once couples are able to see why they define their relationship a certain way I can help them ‘reconstruct’ it into something they can both enjoy.

For the fifty percent of survey respondents who did not end their relationship due to infidelity, there is hope. Intentionally rebuilding a relationship by deconstructing and reconstructing with the help of a therapist can lead to the relationship they always wanted.

Dr. Kate Walker, Ph.D., LPC, LMFT has experience assisting adolescents and their families with issues such as addiction, anger management, depression, anxiety, communication, parenting, and stress management.

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Understanding Infidelity: a Sexual Affair, an Emotional Affair, an Affair Online

Saturday, July 21st, 2012

When counseling couples who are trying to survive infidelity, one of the first tasks for the therapist helping the couple through affair recovery is to help the couple define what exactly happened, and what is meant by uttering the word, “affair?”

Was it an affair if the offending partner only had sex with the paramour one time and there are no lingering affectionate feelings?

Was it an affair if the offending partner shared intimate details about the relationship, kept meetings and communications a secret from the non-offending partner, but never had sex (usually coined as an emotional affair)?

Was it an affair online, where the offending partner never actually met the paramour face to face? Affairs are the cause of anywhere between 50% and 60% of divorces yet a commonly accepted definition for the term “affair” is elusive.

Like a disease that can only be accurately diagnosed post mortem, one way to diagnose an affair is to examine the resulting damage. In almost all cases the non-offending partner reports feelings of betrayal, trauma, and insecurity. Diseases are common due to unprotected sex. Divorce can follow.

Another way to determine whether or not a relationship qualifies as an affair by definition is to determine the level of secrecy. Were instant messages from the paramour deleted? Were the passwords to Facebook and email accounts kept a secret from the non-offending partner? Were meetings with the paramour conveniently omitted when describing daily activities? If a relationship outside the committed relationship elicits overt lies or lies of omission, then with or without sex the relationship has the trappings of an affair.

A commonly accepted definition for infidelity is difficult because the feelings and post-discovery reactions are so personal. Regardless of the definition one assigns to an affair, if an outside relationship has the potential for trauma, disease, and emotional damage to the partner in the committed relationship, or, if lies are necessary to maintain it, it is probably wise to avoid it.

Infidelity, however defined, is a destructive force. Never the less, when faced with the reality of it, what is done is done. Yet affair recovery is possible if the couple is determined to build strong roads of trust and faithfulness once more. A licensed and certified therapist in marital counseling will be an invaluable assistant in the process.

Dr. Kate Walker Ph.D. is owner and CEO of achievebalance.org found in The Woodlands TX. A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Supervisor, she is trained as a marriage and family expert. Dr. Walker specializes in couples and families, especially those struggling to survive addictions and infidelity.

Tags: having affairs, illicit afair, Infidelity, marriage after an affair, marriage and family counsleing, Marriage and Family Therapy Programs, Marriage Counseling Houston
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Financial Infidelity

Saturday, July 14th, 2012

When the word infidelity is mentioned most people think of sexual betrayal. Since the recession of 2009, however, financial infidelity has started to share some of the spotlight. According to one source, financial infidelity is beginning to pass sexual infidelity as one of the leading causes of breakups. So what is financial infidelity and what is the impact on committed relationships?

Financial infidelity is often described in terms of ‘hiding money.’ For example, one partner in a committed relationship fails to disclose the whereabouts of a savings account, lies about a purchase or withdrawal from a joint bank account, or maintains a hidden line of credit. Another sign is the failure of one partner to disclose financial difficulty to the other partner.

The impact of this failure to disclose on a committed relationship can be quite severe. Many respondents in the survey viewed financial cheating as harshly as they viewed sexual infidelity. In fact many believed that financial infidelity could be a precursor to sexual infidelity because ‘if you can lie about money, you can lie about sex.’ Unfaithfulness in marriage is, after all, unfaithfulness in marriage, whatever state it may take.

As a marriage counselor I often see couples whose financial infidelity began in courtship when one partner lied to the other about tarnished credit or exorbitant debt. While that is rarely the reason a couple seeks therapy, early financial infidelity is often described as one of the many hurts or betrayals that has led to the current difficulties.

Talking about money can be as awkward as talking about sex for some couples. Some good habits for struggling couples are:

Setting and keeping a budget
Agreeing on future goals, and
Developing a way for each partner to spend budgeted money with ‘no questions asked.’

Taking steps to safeguard your relationship from the temptation of financial cheating will not only build trust, it will increase intimacy and possibly inoculate against future infidelity.

Dr. Kate Walker Ph.D. is owner and CEO of achievebalance.org found in The Woodlands TX.

Tags: financial cheating, financial infidelity, Infidelity, unfaithfulness in marriage
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Marriage After an Affair: Ending an Affair and Beginning Marriage and Family Counseling

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

An affair is survivable. Millions of couples choose to stay together for many reasons. More often than not there is still love and a longing for the marriage to continue and this is what brings couples to marriage and family counseling. Therapy, along with the couple’s determination, can help a marriage after an affair not only survive the affair but also thrive and become the marriage for which both have always longed.

Therapy following an affair consists of helping the couple through three phases: ending the affair, complete transparency, and forgiveness.

First, the affair must end. Ending an affair has to be not only an ending for the partner who conducted the affair, but also an ending that satisfies the partner who did not have the affair. Because of this it is important that both partners have a role. For example the partner who had the affair may write an ending letter to the person he or she became involved with and the partner who did not have the affair will mail it. This display of togetherness may help them become a team again.

In order for the marriage to begin the journey toward the couple becoming united again after ending an affair, the partner who had the affair must commit to complete transparency. Nothing can be off limits. Cell phones, computer passwords, and email accounts must always be available without hesitation for inspection when requested. Every question, no matter how painful, must be answered with humility.

The final step the couple must take is forgiveness. The betrayed partner must forgive the betraying partner, and the betraying partner must forgive him/herself. This last step is not something that happens on a particular date. Rather it is a journey that the couple will travel every day, and a journey where having access to the guidance of a marriage and family counseling therapist can be most helpful. With the help of marriage and family counseling couples can execute these three steps, survive the affair, and achieve the marriage of their dreams.

Tags: ending an affair, marriage after an affair, marriage and family counsleing
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Affairs: Can a Marriage Recover?

Thursday, February 16th, 2012

An affair strikes a devastating blow to a marriage. Whether the affair was a one-night stand, an emotional affair, or an illicit affair – an emotional affair combined with a physical relationship – the effects of having affairs can be long lasting.

Why it Happens

How does a marriage become the victim of an affair? Before the dynamics can be explored, it is important to understand that one partner cannot cause the other to have an affair. The decision to go outside the marriage to meet physical and emotional needs is just that, a decision. A spouse who feels his or her partner has become physically or emotionally unavailable may begin to depend on people or things outside the marriage to alleviate feelings of distress. A husband may decide to put in more hours at work where he can feel successful and appreciated. A wife may devote more time and energy to the kids because they help her feel loved and needed. When partners become accustomed to turning to things or people outside the marital dyad in times of distress they may become candidates for having affairs of one kind or the other.

Emotional Affairs Just As Harmful

Emotional affairs are incredibly insidious because they seem so harmless. Emotional affairs usually begin as a simple friendship. Sharing intimate details about marital distress or keeping secrets from spouses are signs that the friendship may be crossing the line. In the age of social media and texting, emotional affairs are prevalent as spouses feel emboldened by the anonymity of cyberspace to flirt and fantasize with online friends and coworkers.

Surviving Both the Emotional and the Illicit Affair

All-too-common emotional affairs, just as much as the illicit affair, can be devastating, but all types of affairs are survivable. One resource I highly recommend is Harley’s Surviving An Affair. Also, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist can help spouses dealing with this issue walk through the steps of honesty and transparency and achieve forgiveness, acceptance, and hope.

Tags: emotional affairs, having affairs, illicit afair, Marriage and Family Therapy Programs
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