Communication | Achieve Balance Dr. Kate Walker

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Anger Makes You Stupid

Friday, October 15th, 2021

Before you get mad at me or use the title of this article as evidence against a spouse, sibling or child, let me explain. When you are angry your body is merely expressing a fear that has morphed into helplessness and/or attack. We know this as ‘fight or flight’ and of course their cousins ‘freeze and fawn.’ In this state, the autonomic nervous system does that metabolic magic it’s been doing for millennia (thank God) and sucks resources away from things it doesn’t need to do, like digest food and solve jigsaw puzzles, to things it might need to do like see an exit clearly or punch someone in the throat. It’s why during emergencies pilots have checklists and not board meetings.

That jigsaw-solving part of the mind? That’s also the part that allows you to connect with other humans. That means in this state of ‘fear/anger,’ in addition to being unable to think complex thoughts or eat, you can’t empathize. So when you feel angry you tend to be a solo problem solver with limited access to the vast stores of knowledge in your brain that could actually help. In other words, stupid.

This is normal.

You aren’t bad or broken when you are angry. What is troublesome for individuals, couples, and families though, is angry behavior. What I’m going to do in this article is help you recognize the anger so you can hijack it before it becomes behavior you will regret.

Recognize

You must think this is going to be the easiest paragraph I’ve ever written. I mean, everybody recognizes when they’re angry, right? Not so much. First let’s make sure we understand the difference between ‘anger’ and ‘angry behavior.’ Anger is just an emotion and you have no choice. If you feel it, you feel it. Angry behavior on the other hand, is often learned or expressed (or not expressed) based on the situation (think about the last time you were angry but you couldn’t show it because you were in a religious service/around aunt Jenny/in a meeting with your boss).

Angry behavior can be confusing because it doesn’t always look like, well, anger. Sure, it can look like yelling, screaming, throwing things, and violence, but it can also look like:

Crying easily
Laughter that doesn’t match the situation
Silence
Annoying behavior
Passive aggressiveness

Angry behavior that doesn’t look like angry behavior is what drives family members, friends, and partners of angry people, nuts. That’s why if you truly want to improve your relationships (at least your part in them) you have to do more than just recognize when you are angry; you have to hijack the angry behavior before it happens.

Hijack

After you recognize that you are in fact angry, first things first, congratulate yourself. You just recognized an emotion while you were having an emotion and that is a big deal. Emotions are your body’s way to force you to focus on an object (something outside of yourself) rather than the subject (you). Even if you did nothing else, when you recognize you are indeed angry (this is called validation) you will have hijacked your normal response and you will notice a difference. It will be a subtle shift like a quick breath of air before you go underwater again. This validation of your own anger is the start of the process of changing angry behavior and doing something different.

Do something different

This pause, this quick breath of validation, is crucial because it is the ‘something different’ that can change your life. You may still not be able to solve a jigsaw puzzle and you may still get acid reflux because you’ve stopped digesting your dinner, but now you have a window of opportunity where you are in control of what happens next. Even if you still choose to be a solo problem solver you can involve the people impacted by your anger through productive communication. This conversation can save relationships, save your job, save friendships, and even save your life. It just takes a willingness to change.

Changing your angry behavior will involve words you probably aren’t used to saying so I’ve given you a few examples. I’ve made sure to give you the option to solo-solve, or partner-solve:

Solo solving [you can use your outside voice or inside voice]

I realize I’m angry and I need to process a minute.
I’m angry and I’m not sure how to respond to that.
[In the moment, write down/text yourself] “Bob just did/said __________________and that made me feel really angry.”

Once you say these things either out loud or internally, you can proceed to solo-solve.

Partner solving [outside voice]

“I hate it when you say things like that and I need you to stop. If you can’t I’m going to need to take a minute because I’m really angry.”
“I’m angry right now and I need you to give me some space. Please don’t follow me or ask me questions. I’ll talk about it after I process.”
“When you keep asking me what’s wrong I just get angry so I’m going to go for a drive and try to figure this out. I promise I’ll be safe and talk about it when I get back.”
“I know you’re angry with me for (insert behavior here). I’m sorry and I want to make it right. How can I help?”

Remember you aren’t bad or broken if you feel angry; you’re simply reacting from your ‘fight or flight’ response. Angry behavior, on the other hand, can destroy individuals, couples, and families. It might take some time, but rather than try to see an exit clearly or fantasize (or actually) punch someone in the throat, wouldn’t you rather do something that allows you to connect with other humans and find productive solutions? You have vast stores of knowledge in your brain that could actually help. Recognize, hijack, and do something different. Your family needs you. YOU need you.

Tags: anger, anger management, balance, communication, stress management, what to do for stress
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More Than a River in Egypt

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2021

If It’s Not DENIAL, Then What Is It?

Imagine your spouse seems to be suffering because of what appears to be a sunburn. They can look in the mirror and see the red blisters. They step into a hot shower and complain about the pain of the water on their skin. You remind them that they definitely fell asleep at the beach without putting on sunscreen. Your spouse doesn’t agree. Instead they say,

“I don’t know why my skin hurts. And who, by the way, covered me with pink make-up? I definitely do NOT have a sunburn.”

Other family members might join you and try to convince your spouse that they obviously have a condition known as a ‘sunburn.’ Your spouse resists. Even though their skin hurts, it is pink and peeling, and they did fall asleep in the sun, they continue to insist they do not have a sunburn. Denial, right?

Maybe. Or it might be Anosognosia.

Anosognosia is my new sixty-four-thousand dollar word. It is an amazing word and I love it so much I wish I could go on Jeopardy right now, and the host would ask (and I know it would be a new host and that makes me sad),

“What is the inability to adjust our self-image or perceive our mental health condition accurately?”

And I would punch my little LED-lit button and scream,

“ANOSOGNOSIA!”

Why not simply call this state of mental-mismatch denial? According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), when we talk about anosognosia it is usually when we are referring to someone who is also suffering with a mental illness.

“Anosognosia means that someone is unaware of their own mental health condition or that they can’t perceive their condition accurately and it is a common symptom of certain mental illnesses [https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Common-with-Mental-Illness/Anosognosia].”

You see our sunburn-sufferer might also be suffering with schizophrenia, bipolar, or dementia. If that is the case, then they may be part of the population whose apparent ‘denial,’ is in fact, anosognosia.

If you are reading this article I imagine you are either curious or you are looking for tools to parent, live with, or love someone with this condition. I’ll try to help by giving you a way to conceptualize the problem so it makes sense, tools to communicate with that suffering-someone, and most importantly, ideas to self-care. You’re gonna need it.

Why Deny?

Denial is more than a beautiful river in Egypt. Denial is the word children, friends, spouses, and siblings can use to conceptualize the dichotomous thinking exhibited by those self-destructive family members who profess to love us.

We ask ourselves,

“How can they love us and drink themselves to illness/treat us this way/refuse to get help?”

We answer ourselves,

“They must be in denial about their problem.”

Unfortunately when we (the healthy ones) use the word denial to explain why you (the family member engaging in the destructive behavior that is hurting us) won’t change, we get angry. The implication is you know you have a problem and you are choosing the behavior over us.

Denial goes a long way explaining how we humans hurt each other in the name of protecting a behavior we love. Yes denial has been around for centuries helping humans justify, minimize, and blame others for relationship-busting behaviors:

Justifying

“I’ve got a tough job and I’ll cut down once things even out at work.”

“My parents fought in front of us and I turned out just fine.”

“But you and the kids love to travel to my races.”

Minimizing

“I don’t drink that much.”

“We haven’t fought in weeks.”

“When was the last time you and the kids were actually awake when I was training? That’s why I mostly train in the mornings and do my long rides when Junior has an out-of-town soccer game.”

Blaming

“I only get this drunk when you’re acting like this.”

“If you wouldn’t push me on that issue I wouldn’t fight back.”

“And you think you’re so perfect?”

The Mental Illness Connection

If your self-destructive family member also suffers with a mental illness, then anosognosia may be a better explanation than denial. I know no one wants to hear that their struggling loved one may also have an underlying personality disorder or suffer from bipolar disease, but it is something to consider. How would you know, especially if your loved one refuses to see a mental health professional?

Behavioral science is different from medical science in that we rely on self-report from the sufferer and observations from family members like you to make our diagnoses. Once we get those reports we can triangulate the data and get a fairly accurate idea of what the patient suffers from. I say fairly accurate because a medical exam needs to be done as well. For example someone who is acting out on the verge of a diabetic coma can look a lot like an angry drunk. It is important that we know the difference.

Here’s Your Sign

Your self-destructive loved one might have an underlying mental health issue if:

They sound like they do. Do a you tube search for gaslighting, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and psychological abuse. You don’t need to watch the videos just listen to them. If you recognize the words in the videos because you hear them from your self-destructive loved one, then they might be also be suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness.
They act like they do. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5^th Edition is commonly used by mental health professionals to categorize behavior. Do your Google search for ‘DSM 5 ____________[enter troubling behavior].’ The search will help you understand that a diagnosis depends on the type of behavior, how many times it occurs, and how long it has been happening. WARNING: this does not make you a mental health professional.
Their family members are already diagnosed. Schizophrenia and bipolar have strong family components. If you discover that your self-destructive family member’s near-degree relatives suffer from bipolar or schizophrenia that was diagnosed, or behavior that was similar but undiagnosed, then your loved one may also be suffering.

AND

They have a medical all-clear. They have regular physicals and get blood work-ups. There are no underlying medical conditions or chronic pain complaints. Remember what I said earlier about diabetic comas? Sometimes medical issues can explain bad behavior so you’ll need to rule that out.

Pursuers and Distancers Get Nowhere

This is the part where you get the communication tools, coping strategies, and the self-care advice. If I do my job here, the tools will help you dear reader stay in relationship with your suspected agosognosia-sufferer and out of the ‘trying to convince them they have a problem’ loop. Let’s call this the pursuer-distancer dynamic.

If you try to convince your suffering spouse/parent/sibling that they have a problem, that is the pursuit. If they say, “Nuh uh,’ that is the distancing.

Remember Nuh-uh is a classic symptom of denial and anosognosia.

Reformed pursuers who choose to live with anosognosia-sufferers will spend a lifetime learning to lower the bar regarding what they can expect. Books like ‘His Needs-Her Needs’ won’t apply to your relationship because your needs will never be understood by your suspected sufferer. You will need to become an expert at communicating, self-soothing, and ultimately meeting your own needs.

Communicate and Cope

One way to communicate with your suspected anosognosia sufferer is the Reflection/Self-Care Combo. It looks like this:

[Use your inside voice and say] “I love my partner/sibling/parent and I want to stay in relationship with them but I’m in distress right now and I feel like they need to know about it. I will not fall into the pursuer-distancer dynamic.”
[Use your outside voice and say] “Hey [insert suffering-partner/friend/parent name here] I notice that I’m feeling [insert distressing feeling here]. I’d like it if you could help me by [insert your need here].”
Now just wait. If they meet your need, excellent. If they don’t, it’s time to pull out the healthy coping strategies, support network, and distracting hobbies. Self-care is ultimately how you will meet your needs.

Living with and loving someone suffering from anosognosia or denial takes understanding, communication tools, and excellent self-care strategies. I hope this article helped you understand the difference between denial and anosognosia but I get it. In the end it might not matter because both actions feel the same on your end. Choosing to stay with a self-destructive family member who uses denial or suffers with anosognosia is personal and no one can tell you what to do unless they have walked a mile in your shoes. The tools in this article can help, but ultimately you may need outside help to stay or walk away. Individual, couple, and family counseling can help you make that decision.

Tags: addiction, addiction recovery, communication, living with an addicted family member, marriage
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Life After Layoff

Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

Getting fired sucks.

There is nothing I can say, spin, or summarize that will help you feel good about what just happened to you.

Wait, don’t stop reading! There is something in here for you; I promise.

When the company you gave your blood sweat and tears to decides to let you go, it forces you to take a hard look at yourself. That is rarely a voluntary act. Most of us do not wake up in the morning each day and say to ourselves,

“Self, I’m gonna take a hard look at you today.”

So when it’s time to take that hard look we lack practice. Where we lack practice we feel in over our head. Where we feel in over our head, we feel like we are drowning. And that feels hopeless.

This blog is going to help you make sense of what it means to be fired/let go/given your severance package early, etc. It’s going to help you take that hard look at yourself and get your confidence back. Finally, it’s going to give you tools (what good blog wouldn’t?) so you can go out and get the job of your dreams and feel like yourself again.

Dot Dot Dot

There are only a few people who have taken good, hard, looks at us: Parents, coaches, and lovers. A good hard look is that perfect combination of love and criticism. It is,

“I love you but…” or, “I love you and…”

Those dot-dot-dots are where the landmines are though. In fact, most of the criticism we heard as kids is loaded into those dot-dot-dots. This is where our ‘I DO,’ started to become our, ‘I AM.’

From Mom: I love you but…you’re a slob. You don’t do your homework, and you need to take a shower.”

You hear, “I am a slob, I am a slacker, and I stink.”

From Dad: “[I love you – this is in a bracket because although dad may have never said it, you suspect he did, in fact, love you] but…you’re lazy! If you’d just get out there and practice as hard as (insert sporty friend’s name here) you’d succeed.”

You hear, “I am lazy. I don’t measure up to ___.”

From Coach: “[definitely did not say ‘I love you.’] You sucked this week. Hit the bench. (Insert sporty friend’s name here) get in there for Dipshit.”

You hear, “I am not good enough, I am a Dipshit, I am a failure.”

Lovers (hopefully) gave a kinder look at you during courtship and early commitment phase. I really hope you heard things like,

“I love you and I need you to really notice when the trash has to go out and take care of it before I ask you.”

More likely though, no one ever took a good hard look at you in love.

MIA: Love

This great website called fathers.com reported that when they speak to groups of men, only 3% – 4% of attendees indicate they ever heard “I love you” from their dad [https://fathers.com/featured-resource-center-page/the-power-of-i-love-you-from-dad/]. Rather than a trite cliche, think of this is as a ‘missing loving message.’

Like a computer program trying to execute a task with a missing code, your brain tries to solve the problem of ‘why did I lose my job’ with a missing loving message. The efficient machine that it is, when it fails to find a loving message it simply substitutes the next best thing; the harsh criticism from the people who LOVED you. Just like that (snaps fingers) criticism, evaluation, and performance-based assessments from parents, coaches, and teachers become your inner voice. So just when you needed a shot of confidence, your helpful brain called up that inner voice that reminded you,

“I don’t measure up.”

“I am not good enough.”

“I am a failure.”

I AM Beats I DO

Lucky for you this is a quick fix. Not an easy fix, but a quick one. I’ll go Steven-Covey on you and begin with the end:

Your I AM is more important than your I DO.

Imagine you are driving down the road and you hit a puppy. You’re able to safely pull over so you go see what happened to the little guy. You weren’t going that fast and he was almost across the road but you see he’s going to need some vet attention. You decide you have some time so you take the puppy to a vet.

If this doesn’t sound like you, you’ve stuck with me this long, so keep reading.

This puppy has not done anything to earn another shot at life. It’s not some dog that rescues people from avalanches or a seeing-eye dog, it’s just some mangy puppy that wasn’t fast enough to keep up with its momma and got stuck in the road. You decide that even though it hasn’t done anything heroic or worthy, it deserves a chance to live. Because it breathes, it is worthy; it is valuable; it measures up; it is good enough.

Because it breathes. That’s a pretty low bar on the ‘performance-equals-love’ scale. Now go look in the mirror. Doing or not doing is not what determines your worth and value. You are worthy and valuable because you breathe. Ergo, losing a job cannot strip away your worth and your value.

Lucky for you (and the rest of us), we are all worthy and valuable. Worthy and valuable people can do anything.

Reality Saves the Day

Now that we have that settled it’s time to take that good hard look in love and see what you, worthy and valuable person that you are, can DO.

Get a piece of paper and a pencil. Draw a line down the middle of the paper so there is a left side and a right side. On the left side write, “things I have been criticized for.” This can be anything from you didn’t take the trash out before your partner reminded you to do it, to you struggle to get your TPS reports in on time. On the right side, write down the names you have been called or negative feelings you have had. This is anything from ‘lazy’ to ‘unmotivated’ to ‘uncaring.’

The left side is based in reality. You do struggle with certain things, we all do. The right side is the critical inner voice trying to remind you that it is in charge of your ‘I am’ and your confidence. The object is to re-train your inner voice. Here’s how it works: Lovingly remind yourself that just because you did not notice the trash before your partner did and they took it out while giving you the stink-eye does not make you lazy. It just means you didn’t notice the trash. That is a struggle you can improve. Repeat to yourself,

“I am valuable and worthy and I have struggles I can improve.”

Once you get a robust left side, you can start tackling the struggles and get on with your job search.

The Plan

This is that good hard look we’ve been alluding to. Just imagine if your dad had said,

“I love you and I notice your arm doesn’t always follow through when you throw to first base. I can tell your frustrated because you threw wide in the last game. I’ve got a bucket of balls in the back yard – want to make a few throws to me?”

Game changer.

Loving message? ✅

Validated your feelings (a frustrated kid upset about his throw) and didn’t criticize your I AM? ✅

Identified something you could change and offered a plan? ✅

I promise this blog is NOT a condemnation of your dad. He probably did the best he could just like we all do. This blog IS a place for you to learn something new though, so let’s try it out.

Step 1. Say “I love you” to yourself. I don’t care how cheesy this feels; you have to do this part. Tell yourself “I love you.”

Step 2. Identify how you feel. “I feel anxious and afraid. I’m supposed to make my family feel safe but I’ve lost my job. I feel like I’ve lost my confidence.”

Step 3. Look at reality and identify something you can change. “The company we acquired brought in their own people so I know I wasn’t let go because of my skill set. I have been putting off learning that new system though, and I know I have some new things I can learn.

Step 4: Make a plan. “I’ve been meaning to touch base with [insert the name of CEO buddy here] to see if he knows about any openings in the industry. I’ll give him a call.”

Ask for help

It is important that you make sense of what it meant to lose your job early in the game. The longer it takes you to realize it’s not about you, the longer it’s going to take to lovingly look at yourself and get your confidence back. If the tools in this blog haven’t helped you tap into what you need to get back out there, get the job of your dreams, and feel like yourself again, then make a phone call and get into some counseling. Everything is virtual now and you can literally have the session in your truck. There is no shame in asking for help so do it today and get back on track. You are valuable, you are worthy, and your family needs you.

For more resources check out my friend Dawn Owens and her book “Light After Layoff.”

Tags: balance for life, communication, grief and loss counseling, stress management, what to do for stress
Posted in Achieve Balance Today, Anger Management, Communication, Grief and Loss, Job loss, Sex | No Comments »

Help! I’m Angry All the Time

Friday, February 5th, 2021

When you read the title of this blog, there is a good chance you won’t think it’s for you.

My intended reader knows something is wrong with the relationship, but she hasn’t connected to her own anger yet. Maybe she is laser-focused on the things her partner is doing that don’t make sense:

“Why does he say those hurtful things?”

“Why does she drink so much?”

“Why do they tell me I’m the one making them act this way?”

Maybe you know someone who is angry all the time. Maybe you are reading because that someone is angry at you.

No, you dear reader, are probably not my intended audience. But in case you are, or if right now you are thinking of someone who might be, then I invite you to read on. First, I’m going to tell you about the origins of anger, why it persists from the past into the present, and how it affects everything. Next, I will help you live with someone who is angry at you. Finally, I’ll speak to the anger-sufferer and help her prepare with tools and strategies. Here goes.

The Slow Lumberjack

Imagine you have a neighbor who decides to cut down a tree. He’s never done it before so he just rents the axe (I don’t know if you can actually rent an axe, but let’s just say he’s not invested enough in tree cutting to actually buy an axe, so he rents one). Watching from your window, you see him walk up to the tree, axe in hand, and just stand there. Slowly and with some effort, he lifts it by the handle and backswings like it’s a baseball bat. He swings (batter batter) like he’s putting a fastball over the fence and connects with the tree. Just as quickly he drops the axe and yells “Ouch!” (Or something like that. You’re no lip reader but you’ve watched enough professional sports on TV to recognize an F-bomb when you see it). He picks up the axe like he’s grabbing the hand of a naughty toddler and stomps to his garage, where he is enveloped by the shadow of his SUV.

Every few weeks he repeats the pattern, almost like he’s got axe amnesia. Swinging an axe against a healthy tree seems to be pretty painful for him but once a month there he is, swinging away. Good news is the tree seems to be winning. Bad news, the tree is covered with the evidence of his lumberjack incompetence. Even when he eventually gives up and plants some flowers and hangs a bird feeder nearby it can’t disguise the very obvious scars on the tree. After a few years of no lumberjacking though, the scars seem to fade and the tree almost looks like any other tree in the yard.

But it’s not. Anyone who’s taken a field trip to an arboretum and checked out that cool cross-section of a tree while the docent explained all of the fires, frosts, and general pandemonium the tree survived before some asshat cut it down and put it in an arboretum knows the scars are always there. They may get covered by a woody grow ring, but the damage remains part of the tree’s history.

People experience the same kind of scarring. Just like years of sun and rain can’t heal an axe mark, second honeymoons to Cozumel and flowers ‘just because’ do not heal the trauma caused by harmful words. The body maintains the record. According to John H. Krystal, M.D., of Yale University School of Medicine [https://www.bbrfoundation.org/faq/frequently-asked-questions-about-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd] in some cases, particularly where it is not treated, trauma can last a very long time, perhaps the remainder of one’s life.

Hello Lumberjack

What is trauma? How do I know when I have hurt someone? Why wasn’t I told this when I got into a relationship? Will there be snacks?

If you are reading this and you think possibly YOU are the ‘lumberjack’ in this metaphor, then welcome to the human race. We’ve all hurt someone. Whether inadvertently or intentionally, we have all said things that leave scars. To make it even more complicated, pain is personal. What wounds me may not affect you. The past definitely plays a role (think childhood, family of origin, traumatic experiences) but so do current stress levels and physical health. The important point for now is for you to recognize deciding what is ‘hurtful’ or ‘not hurtful’ for someone else based on what hurts YOU is a lousy idea.

Tools for Recovering Lumberjacks

If you are living with someone who is angry and you suspect you are the lumberjack, you are in the right place. I want to help you exchange your axe for some better tools (even better than landscaping). They are: Social Cues and Feedback.

But first, some context.

I want you to think back to the last time you were at a gathering with your parents’ friends, or a lunch with your grandparents, or a dinner meeting with those business partners you just met. What you may not have realized while you were sipping your iced tea or Jim Beam, is that your amazing limbic system was on high alert. Like a glandular Mr. Miyagi it was helping you react appropriately to perceived threats in your environment we call Social Cues and Feedback.

Social Cues are general behaviors exhibited by one or more conversation companions in your general vicinity. Cues can include changes in voice tone, a certain phrase, or even a step toward the door. They can let you know your new boss is politely exiting your company, Mrs. Jones would like a refill on her iced tea, or grandpa needs help reaching the photo album.
Similar to social cues, Feedback is a subtle signal from a single conversation partner. Think of it as a ‘red light’ or a ‘green light.’ Smiles, nods, conversation extenders, and words of affirmation can signal green light; dig in and explain why you should head the next project or be the beneficiary on Aunt Edna’s life insurance policy. Frowns, parallel lines appearing between the eyebrows, or hands palms up can signal red light; your conversation partner is defensive, you made a wrong move you need to correct, or you just landed an axe chop you must apologize and make amends for.

Angry Little Trees

Recovering Lumberjacks must make apologies and amends if they want to preserve the relationship (see my blog on what makes a good apology here) but what about the injured tree? What about the anger-sufferer who is reading this and it’s dawning on them that, “Hey, this blog IS about me and I AM ANGRY!”

First, validate the anger. Whatever the Lumberjack did, it really happened. It really happened to you. It really happened to you and it hurt. It is not your responsibility to reform the Lumberjack or be a better tree. You did not cause your own pain and so it is not your job to ‘feel better’ because it is ‘in the past.’
Second, recognize that intention, only matters after an effective apology and amends. “I didn’t mean to run over your dog,” doesn’t bring your dog back to life. Many Lumberjacks feel like if they can just explain how bad they feel, or how they didn’t mean to do it, somehow that will make everything OK and you should forgive them (see my blog on forgiveness here). Awwww contraire mon frere. A Lumberjack informing the tree how bad THEY feel after each chop is not amends. It is a pain competition.
Finally, and sadly, sometimes an angry tree’s best tool is a boundary (see my article on boundaries here). Giving up anger can only happen when you feel safe, and nobody is safe in a pain competition. In fact, you may be experiencing gaslighting.

Knowing the origins of anger, why it persists from the past into the present, and how it affects everything is handy when you are a Lumberjack living with someone who is angry with you. It can also help if you are an angry tree trying to live with a Lumberjack in recovery. Counseling can help you both find a path back to a good relationship through amends and healthy boundaries.

Not so much if you are the scar-covered tree living with a skilled Lumberjack. If you feel you are a victim of gaslighting please do a You Tube search for ‘gaslighting,’ ‘emotional abuse,’ and ‘psychological abuse.’ Close your eyes and listen to the videos. If you are a victim of gaslighting get help today. You don’t have to fix this on your own, you don’t have to prove you are in pain, and you don’t have to do this by yourself. You don’t have to be angry anymore.

Tags: communication, marriage, relationships
Posted in Anger Management, Anxiety and Stress, Communication, Marriages and Relationships | No Comments »

Let’s Talk About Sex

Monday, January 18th, 2021

Sex has been around a long time. Even typing those words I could feel the double entendre coming on. Wow, this article is going to be hard.

Stop it!

It’s not Communication

So, here’s the problem; sex is an issue that comes up in counseling a lot, but only (usually) after we’ve waded through the first round of ‘we just need help with communication,’ sessions. Once counseling establishes communication is part of the problem but not having sex for three years/suffering through sex/begging for sex is really the issue causing the most pain, we can get down to work. This article will tackle some tough issues. In it you will find that there are no rules, our bodies know best, and sometimes we just need to renegotiate the contract.

Monogamy MOU

Sex within a committed relationship is a personal thing. No one really sits down at ‘relationship inception’ and goes over a memorandum of understanding regarding monogamy. It’s one of the greatest assumptions we all, well, assume. We’re committed now, so that means I only have sex with you and you only have sex with me. Right?

Not so much. According to a completely unscientific poll I found when I Googled monogamy versus non-monogomy, YouGov [https://today.yougov.com/topics/relationships/articles-reports/2020/01/31/millennials-monogamy-poly-poll-survey-data] found that almost one-third of those surveyed said their ideal relationship was non-monogamous to some degree. This is troublesome for those of us looking for the rules of marriage and commitment to save us from troublesome temptations or being the collateral damage of a partner’s indiscretions (as Jada Pinkett Smith calls them). Even though, when asked about how they would feel if a partner came to them wanting to engage in sexual activity with someone else, most survey respondence (67%) said they wouldn’t be okay with this, the writing is on the wall: Rules can’t establish monogamy – only people can.

Wanna Go for a Walk?

Let me offer an example. If I asked you to go on a walk with me, you might think about it and say yes, or think about it and say no. Either way, it is up to you. Let’s imagine that you say “No.” Doesn’t matter why; you just say, “hey Kate, not today. How about tomorrow?” As your friend, I might be sad or disappointed because I really wanted to go on a walk with you, but I’d give you the benefit of the doubt and go on my way.

Now imagine I looked at you, my friend who just seconds before I wanted to walk with me, and started accusing you of not liking me anymore. Or maybe I start throwing things at you like, “you promised you’d walk with me today,” or, “this was a commitment you made to me so you have to come with me,” or, “God’s gonna be mad at you if you don’t walk with me,” or, “fine, then I’ll just go walk with somebody else.”

Even typing those words I felt like a brat.

Why would my friend want to go on a walk with me if I get angry, guilt her, coerce her, and threaten her? I’m no relationship expert (well actually, I am), but it seems like she would start AVOIDING me if I did that to her. You see where I’m going here, right?

There is a Solution

Rules can’t override when our bodies and/or our minds are telling us “No.” If walking is painful, we don’t do it. If our walking buddy is a jerk, we may stop walking with them. If we just don’t feel like walking, we don’t have to.

What about the flip side? What if all I want to do is go on walks and I really like walking with my friend who doesn’t always want to walk with me?

It is the gift of autonomy, free will, “We the People,” whatever you want to call it that allows each and every one of us to choose how, if, when, and with whom, we walk. True friends agree to say things honestly, kindly, and avoid holding grudges. True friends agree to listen and hear things with compassion. Whether you are the one saying ‘no’ or hearing ‘no,’ the question remains: How do you solve the problem in a way that preserves the friendship?

Step 1: Say how you feel. Say it kindly and say it honestly. No defensiveness, no accusing, use lots of reflecting, and do lots of listening.

“I really miss walking with you.”

“I love you and I wish there was another way I could show my love other than walking. I just don’t enjoy it any more.”

Step 2: Be solution-focused and reciprocal-minded (love outside of your comfort zone). If you are the friend who likes to walk all the time, offer to take a day off. If you are the one who avoids walking, offer to walk once in a while or initiate the walk. If that doesn’t work, then,

Step 3. Renegotiate the contract.

Two Paths

Relationships at this point face the proverbial fork in the road. Friends choosing Path One experience emotional turmoil, but ultimately, and surprisingly, they experience healing. If they followed steps one and two, the relationship is preserved, each knows there is love, each knows there is friendship, and neither holds a grudge against the other. Remember, there is healing on Path One.

If either decided being solution-focused and reciprocal-minded meant ‘giving in/sucking up to make the other happy,’ then they have taken steps down Path Two. Relationships can stay on Path Two for a long, long time. Friends on Path Two didn’t choose it because they were enticed by anger and resentment; they were simply avoiding the emotional turmoil that comes before the healing on Path One. For some reason, anger and resentment just seem easier. Or at least justifiable. But that’s a blog for another day.

Healing and Restoration

Giving up rules, trusting our bodies and loving our partners enough to know when it is time to renegotiate the contract can be tough. Honestly it’s probably the toughest thing any of us will ever do. The good news is we are not talking about breaking up! In fact, loving your partner outside of your comfort zone can result in the richest relationship you will ever enjoy.

That’s the goal isn’t it?

Tags: communication, couple, dating, marriage, sex
Posted in Communication, Marriages and Relationships, Sex | No Comments »

How to Forgive

Wednesday, August 30th, 2017

In my business it’s pretty common to hear “I forgave her but I’m never going to forget,” or, “I’m a [insert religion of choice] and so I HAVE to forgive him/her.” My favorite, “Forgive your brother right now!” is one I heard a lot growing up.

When an offense occurs in a relationship the ‘Receiver’ (the one who was offended or impacted by the thing) will probably expect an apology from the ‘Actor’ (the one who did the thing). If the ‘Actor’ has read my blog on what makes a good apology, then he will know how to be more than just an apologizer. He will be a Rebuilder/Amends-Maker. A Rebuilder not only apologizes, he makes a conscious, visible effort to change. If he has not read my blog, then he may resort to justifying his actions, blaming situations outside of himself, blaming the Receiver, or minimizing the impact of his actions by saying things like, “I’ve been getting a lot better at quitting this behavior,” or, “I only hit you once this time!” or “If we had sex more often I wouldn’t cheat!”

This blog is about forgiveness. Forgiving the apologizer who tries to be a Rebuilder or Amends-Maker. Forgiving an Actor who justifies, minimizes, blames the receiver, or never apologizes in the first place. Yes, this blog is about how to forgive anyone easily. Because here’s the thing: Forgiveness isn’t a process or an event.

It is an AWAKENING.

When you get stung by a bee, you get angry and hurt and you may even kill the bee. In retrospect, you may say to yourself something like, “I hope I never get stung again,” and “well that’s what bees do.” From that day forward you may run away from bees, swat bees, or spray bees with insecticide (please don’t do that, bees are endangered), but you will never say “I wonder if I should keep that bee as a pet,” or “I think I’ll start a beehive in the middle of my kitchen.” Why? Because you learned that a bee sting hurts and distance from a bee keeps you both safe, comfortable, and alive.

This is acceptance. This is forgiveness.

Forgiveness/AWAKENING begins by recognizing the nature of the person who offended you, then choosing to draw near or create distance, and validating the feelings that follow.

Recognize

Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Too many of us don’t believe our friends, family, and lovers when they show us who they are the first time. When they cheat on the relationship, assault us physically and emotionally, betray us again and again, we choose to believe our own rose-colored glasses that tell us who we wish they would be. We feel anger rise up in us and we attack or retreat in the battle with the offender, but we refuse to let ourselves see them for who they are trying so desperately to show us they are.

So we go back. And we fight. And we run away. And we come back.

Recognizing the humanity in the offender is one of the deepest forms of love and respect we can offer. Recognizing that the offender will only change when he/she is ready and ending the battle to change him or her is life-changing. Letting go of ‘what could be’ and ‘what I want’ and surrendering to the free-fall of what is, can be terrifying. But it is in that moment of surrender, that we can choose.

Draw near or create distance

We can choose to draw near the offender. We can ask them to come to counseling. We can offer resources like rehab or residential treatment. We can let them know we are in this with them as long as there is positive movement toward relationship goals.

Or we can choose to distance from the offender. We can realize that we have been stung too many times. We can decide our health and comfort and safety are important too and seek to save ourselves. And finally, we can decide to let our offender remain who they choose to be without interference from us.

Validate the feelings that follow

If our offender chooses to unite with us and work on the relationship with a third party and become a rebuilder then we will validate our feelings of joy because we may yet get to experience intimacy. We will validate feelings of anger because after all, why didn’t they change before now? We will validate feelings of fear because what if they go back to their old ways? And finally, we will validate feelings of anxiousness as we watch our offender become someone who is open and healed, someone we’ve never met before.

If our offender chooses to sting again, then we will validate our grief. Shock, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance, will all need their turn in our consciousness. If we try to run back and put the beehive back in our kitchen, then our reliable offender will be sure to sting again and again. They will do this to remind us they are not a chunk of clay to be molded into the next comfort object; that they are who they are and they will change on their terms. So eventually, as our AWAKENING progresses, we will move through the stages of grief and understand that our offender has been trying to show us who they are for a long, long time.

Forgiveness is the moment when we AWAKEN to who our offender is and not who we wish they would be. When we save ourselves and allow the grief free reign over our consciousness and our decisions.

The bee, after all, is not bad. She is only a bee.

SaveSave

Tags: communication, forgiveness, how to forgive, making amends, marraige counseling, marriage, marriage counselor, marriage therapy, rebuilding marriages, therapy
Posted in Addiction, Affairs, Communication, Emotional, Family, Financial, Grief and Loss, Maintaining Addiction Recovery, Marriages and Relationships, Sexual | No Comments »

What Makes a GOOD Apology?

Thursday, August 17th, 2017

Apologies and forgiveness are two terms we (humans) tend to throw around quite a bit. What makes a good apology? Most of us know how it feels when we receive a sincere one, but it can be tough to explain to another person (especially if they have offended us) what a good apology is. Luckily, like most things I write about, there are three steps to understanding what makes a good apology:

Divide the scene into ‘actor,’ and ‘receiver;’
Validate your own feelings
Ask/Act.

An offense usually involves an ‘actor’ and a ‘receiver.’

A car swerved on the freeway and your car received a dent.
Your wife had sex with your best friend and your marriage received a dent.
Your sister took a swing and your bicep received a dent.

Even if we know the driver was on the way to a hospital emergency, your wife was lonely, or your sister was mad because you called her ugly, we can still identify the person who ‘acted’ (did the thing), and the person who ‘received’ (was impacted by the thing). Dividing the scene not only allows us to identify the ‘actor’ and the ‘receiver,’ it allows us to have empathy with the actor without excusing his or her actions. For example, we can all empathize with a father who is driving erratically because his son is in the hospital, the wife who is lonely, or the sister who is angry. This empathy won’t pay for a damaged fender, repair a marriage, or heal an arm though. Furthermore, hospital emergencies don’t cause dents; loneliness doesn’t cause cheating; and teasing your sister doesn’t cause assault. Rule number one, filed under “things I was supposed to learn in Kindergarten,” is I am responsible for my own actions. This means we can have empathy for the actor AND expect her to exhibit self-control.

Validate your own feelings.

Empathy will help you forgive the actor in time, but for now we’ll put it aside so you can focus on how you feel. This can be tricky because so many of us get locked into the role of empathizer. We can all empathize with a parent who is out of sorts because he just found out his child had an accident. We’ve all been lonely in a relationship. We even know teasing is verbal abuse and recognize our sister’s anger when she pulls her fist back to hit us in the arm. Feelings don’t predict actions (for example, just because I feel hungry doesn’t mean I will go rob a bank to get the money to buy food). Rather, feelings help us tune in to what we need. When we feel hungry, we eat. When we feel the need to go to the bathroom, we excuse ourselves and try to locate the facilities. It’s vitally important as the ‘receiver’ that, for a time, you put aside empathy and recognize any feelings you have in this moment. You may feel scared after a car accident, betrayed after an affair is discovered, or shocked after getting hit in the arm. Take a moment and validate those feelings. Think about what you need, and decide what you might ask the actor to do or say in order to repair the relationship.

Act/Ask

First and foremost, you may ask the actor to say, ‘I’m sorry.’ Then, you may ask the actor to take responsibility for his or her actions without blaming, justifying, or minimizing the behavior. Finally, you may ask the actor to make a special effort to repair the relationship (often referred to as rebuilding or making amends). Put all of those together and voila! You have the makings of a great apology.

Let’s look at an example.

I live in a part of the country where the freeways are enormous and overcrowded. When there is a lull in traffic, lots of empty space, or the traffic is free to move, it is not uncommon for me to speed. Yes, I will put the pedal to the metal and push my little Jeep over the posted speed limit. I don’t feel like I am being dangerous, I only do it once in a while, and usually it is because even though I planned ahead, there is a wreck so I am running late. But yes, I speed. And I am sorry.

Is this a good apology or a bad apology? After all, I admitted my actions, (I broke the law) and I said, ‘I’m sorry.’

It was terrible!

I justified my actions by explaining, “I’m not dangerous”
I blamed a wreck for my actions
I minimized my actions by saying, “I only do it once in a while” (justifying, minimizing, and blaming are relationship killers by the way).

I could have made it even worse by saying things like, “I said I was sorry. Can’t you just drop it?” or, “Why can’t you trust me? I’m not speeding right now!”

On the other hand, a Rebuilder/Amends-Maker:

Is quiet. She apologizes and stops talking. She won’t justify, minimize, or blame and she will leave lots of empty conversation space.
Is busy. She is willing to go to therapy (or in my example, defensive driving), meet with healthy peers, read books, and generally work on herself, without pressure from the receiver.
Is humble. She won’t fight for her rights in an argument and she allows the receiver to feel (be sad or angry) after her actions.

If you find that the person who ‘acted’ is not able to make a good apology and rebuild, then you may need to act. If it’s a relationship you don’t care to maintain, then you may need to just walk away. If it’s a relationship that is important to you, then you may need a mediator to help you work on what’s going on. Don’t be surprised if you need to make some apologies and amends too, but don’t get ahead of yourself. Divide the scene and validate your feelings. Your important relationships will thrive from this model because old wounds will finally have a chance to heal.

Tags: apology, i'm sorry, rebuilder
Posted in Addiction, Affairs, Anger Management, Blended Families, Communication, Emotional, Family, Financial, Maintaining Addiction Recovery, Making Strong Families, Marriages and Relationships, Narcissism, Sexual | No Comments »

What is a Boundary Anyway?

Friday, January 22nd, 2016

Good boundaries are a part of any good relationship. In fact, a relationship without boundaries will almost always have other symptoms: violence, emotional arguments, infidelity, addiction, emotional cutoffs, or debilitating enabling. The problem with boundaries? They can be hard on a relationship. The boundary-setter finds it hard because he dreads retaliation from the boundary-receiver. The boundary-receiver finds it hard because, well, no one really LIKES to receive a boundary. Here are three things everyone in a relationship needs to know about boundaries:

Boundaries are designed to protect the boundary-setter, not the boundary receiver. Let’s say you love your neighbor, you love your neighbor’s cows, and you love your yard. You do not, however, love your neighbor’s cows IN your yard. In fact, you are starting to lose your serenity because of it. Since you value your yard and your serenity, you decide to build a fence. The cows are a little miffed because they can’t get to your grass and your neighbor is a little miffed because his view is now marred by your fence. You, on the other hand, feel pretty good because you have your serenity and your yard. Maybe your neighbor will realize your serenity helps the relationship and grow to appreciate your fence. Maybe he will harbor hurt feelings over your fence and never speak to you again.

Lesson: You built a fence because you started valuing your peace more than your neighbor’s peace. There is a possibility the relationship with your neighbor will suffer because of this shift. There is also a possibility the relationship will become better than ever.

Boundaries are not the same as telling someone what to do. Let’s say you have the same neighbor, the same cows, the same yard, and the same budding resentment. You realize that a fence might hurt your neighbor’s feelings so you are going to try some things that are ‘less offending’ than a fence. Here’s what you try:
1. You try to talk to your neighbor and tell him that if he cared about you he’d keep his cows on his own side.
2. You tell your neighbor that it’s just common sense to keep his cows under control and if had any common sense, he would do that.
3. You repeat 1. and 2. at all social gatherings, barbecues, and kids’ birthday parties until eventually he goes the other way when he sees you coming.
4. You file a restraining order against your neighbor and his cows.
5. You shoot the cows when they come in your yard.

Lesson: Nagging, guilt trips, threats, and acts of violence are attempts to change or control another person. Unlike boundaries they rarely protect your yard or your serenity and they always damage relationships.

Boundaries will always require a change in your behavior, not your neighbor’s. Did the neighbor have a right to graze his cows on your grass? No. Did you have a right to be angry? Sure. Is it fair that you had to spend money and time and energy to build the fence when his cows are the problem? Yes. After all, you care more about your serenity (and your yard) than your neighbor does. Lesson: If you value it, then it’s up to you to protect it.

So the next time you are considering action because of a partner (or a neighbor) remember the difference between boundary setting and controlling. Boundaries are uncomfortable, sometimes costly, strategies designed to protect you. Controlling strategies are designed to change someone else’s behavior so you are more comfortable. Boundaries have the added benefit of improving a relationship. Controlling almost always results in relationship damage.

Kate Walker Ph.D., LPC, LMFT

Tags: better relationships, boundaries, conflict, couple communication, relationship issues
Posted in Achieve Balance Today, Addiction, Anger Management, Anxiety and Stress, Bullying, Communication, Family, Marriages and Relationships, Narcissism, Parenting Teenagers, Young Adult Independence | No Comments »

Hold It Together Stay Together

Monday, June 22nd, 2015

Disney claims to be “the happiest place on earth.” I think that’s funny because when my family visits the magic kingdom during the summer holiday, we laugh because of all the non-ride-related screaming. We hear screams of anguish from devastated kids being dragged away from princesses, and screams from tired kids on the last leg of their Bataan – like marches across four theme parks. I’m not gonna lie; we’ve had a few ‘just short of screaming’ moments at the happiest place on earth. Fortunately, my kids held it together in time to get to the food and the hotel swimming pool.

I wonder how many times parents just ‘hold it together’ in the summer time? One UK study found that of the 2,008 U.K. adults polled, nearly a fifth considered divorce or separation after their children returned to school after the summer holiday (see these and other unusual divorce statistics from the 2013 Huffington post article here). In The Woodlands, Texas where I practice, summer is more than just the time for a holiday road-trip. It is the time of migration. We see ex-pats moving in from other countries, families visiting their countries of origin for visa purposes, and mass move-ins and move-outs due to corporate restructuring.

So it’s probably true; many couples are just ‘holding it together’ hoping the summer will hold the magic to keep their relationship alive. Here are some ideas so summer isn’t the only hope:

Fight fair and no below the belt name-calling or sarcasm. Any intimidating behavior (close yelling, throwing objects, slamming doors, etc.) is off limits.
Don’t discuss serious or inflammatory things after drinking. Ever.
Schedule a discussion so the kids aren’t around and you have plenty of time to talk. Write out your points and never let any single statement go longer than 20 seconds. Use a timer for this.

For more helpful hints, sign up for the newsletter and get “5 Rules for Couples to Fight Fair.”

Have a great summer!

Tags: communication, couples, fight fair, holiday, prevent divorce, summer
Posted in Communication, Ex Pats and Newcomers | Comments Off on Hold It Together Stay Together