Sex | Achieve Balance Dr. Kate Walker

Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

Dear Newly Divorced Woman over 40 Who Wants to Date

Monday, August 30th, 2021

Your separation or divorce wasn’t that long ago, but you feel like you’re ready. I get it. You want to get out there and experience warmth and love all the things that were probably missing for a long time in the relationship you are ending right now. If you are up to reading them, I have a few words of advice for you. Keep reading and with any luck you will see the patterns and ‘red flags’ that will drag you like a rip-tide into the same currents and patterns you’ve been fighting against for years. Make no mistake; your partner messed up and it’s not your fault. You can’t cause another person to abuse you, cheat on you, lie to you, etc. because those are decisions. Looking inward at who you want to be going forward is another story, though, so here are some ways to make your story a good one.

Condoms and Seat Belts

Sex after a marriage or long-term relationship isn’t like sex when you were 16. There is no ‘Mister/Miss Right’ out there and you aren’t saving yourself for anybody. Sex is a healthy part of your life. If a long-term relationship is your goal, then you want to ‘try before you buy.’ Why would you get into a new relationship only to find out that you are sexually incompatible? Isn’t that what you just left? When you drive a new car off the lot for a test drive, you wear a seat belt. The sex version of seatbelts is a condom so tuck a few in your purse on that next Bumble date and take that new potential partner on a test drive.

Don’t be Reckless

It may have been a while since you had a drink, or alcohol may be one of the reasons your relationship ended. Condoms and seatbelts can only keep you safe if you know that sex and driving can be inherently risky. Alcohol (and marijuana, and prescription medications, etc.) can reduce your ability to be cautious, increase your estimation of your own abilities (liquid courage) and ultimately render that seatbelt in your car and that condom in your purse useless. If you have an alcohol problem, get help. If you don’t, then never EVER drink to excess on a date, drink and drive, or leave a drink unattended. As an added precaution turn on ‘find my friends’ on your phone and share your location with a trusted friend.

Wait

If you can. For the next few months, you are what I call, a wounded baby bird. I know you feel more like a ‘I am Woman hear me roar,’ but remember, you are leaving a relationship because you feel that for years you were not heard and validated, or you were betrayed and abused, or all the above. Your self-esteem has some rebuilding to do. In this state, you will gravitate to niceness, respect, politeness, chivalry, and quiet strength like a cypress tree to a river. The problem? You won’t be broken for long. Potential partners who are that quiet strength for you, who tell you that you are beautiful and enough, and valued and valuable loved and lovable, will be out of a job once you don’t need to hear that on the daily. In fact, the more you heal, the less tolerant you will be of their attention, and you may actually feel annoyed by their rapt infatuation with your perfection. It’s not their fault; after all, they fell in love with someone broken. They don’t know what to do with someone whole and healed who no longer needs their daily affirmations to complete them.

Your story and your growth didn’t end with your divorce. Your partner made bad choices that affected you terribly and now you want to get out there and experience warmth and love all the things that were probably missing for a long time in the relationship you are ending right now. Condoms, seatbelts, and personal growth are your best tools so you can respond to ‘red flags’ and not be drawn into a relationship out of loneliness, religion, or boredom. You got this.

Tags: dating after divorce, sex
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Sex After 50

Friday, August 6th, 2021

The following is a cis-gender heterosexual scenario, but it can play out in LGBTQ+ relationships as well.

“I took my pill,” he said.

She smiled at him and asked, “Tomorrow morning ok? I’m in the middle of something right now.”

“Perfect,” he said.

[Ten hours later]

She’s checked her email, walked the dog, and had two cups of coffee. It’s now 8:00 AM and he’s still sleeping. Inside she can feel the frustration growing, but she wants to keep it in check. This isn’t their first go around and he’s been on his ‘little blue pill’ for five years now. After a couple of deep breaths, she walks into the bedroom.

She has a choice to make. She can get naked, slide under the covers next to him and start ‘warming him up’ manually or orally, or she can say what she feels is bursting to get out of her. Once she goes down that path though, she knows there will be no sex this morning. She likes sex, and she likes sex with him, but she is tired, and frustrated, and oh dammit she’s going to say it.

“The pill isn’t foreplay, you know.”

Groggily he looks up, “Huh?” he says.

“I said; saying ‘I took my pill,’ isn’t foreplay.”

“OK,” he says, now more awake and sounding a little frustrated himself.

She knows it’s not fair to wake someone up with angry words, but she’s wanted to say this for a long time and now seems as good a time as any.

As the scene plays out over the next few hours this couple experiences what many couples in mid-life, struggling with various forms of sexual arousal impediments, erectile difficulties, or lubrication issues due to menopause, deal with on a regular basis. Cis-gender hetero or LGBTQ+, when it comes to sex, midlife can be tough to navigate. The solution? Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Women: Communicate Needs

Women in mid-life can struggle with arousal. In fact, women may not feel aroused until after they have started sexual touching (ST), which can be defined for our purposes as any touching in an erogenous zone. Women who engage in NST, or non-sexual touching, and agree to ST even when they aren’t aroused may find that their arousal actually returns and intensifies as the sex act progresses.

Because the path to arousal can be so different in mid-life, women seeking a satisfying sexual experience must communicate the new ‘map to intimacy’ with their partner. Struggles with arousal can manifest as ambivalence or disinterest in sex. To complicate matters, vaginas approaching menopause lack lubrication which leads to painful penetration. Pain can result in fear of initiating any NST like hugging or hand-holding because it might lead to ST. Good communication might sound something like this:

“I want to have sex with you but I’m afraid because my body doesn’t respond the way it used to. I need to do things a little differently now.”

Or,

“If I seem disinterested or like I’m ‘faking it’ during foreplay please understand this is how I need to start so that my body works like I want it to.”

Men: Communicate Needs

Men in mid-life can struggle with arousal as well, but most often sexual functioning is the problem. Difficulty maintaining a satisfying erection or an erection capable of penetration is one of the most common issues for men in mid-life. Even with the advent of the ‘little blue pill’ (I’m not actually sure what color it is now), men may struggle with timing, inconsistent results, and uncomfortable side-effects. Like women, men may start to become afraid at the thought of approaching their partner and so they simply start to avoid any NST or ST altogether.

Because the path to a satisfying sexual experience can be so different in mid-life, men seeking a satisfying sexual experience must communicate their new ‘map to intimacy’ with their partner. Struggles achieving or maintaining a satisfying erection can lead to ambivalence about or disinterest in sex. To complicate matters, fear about causing a partner pain can lead to worries over any NST being misinterpreted as ST. Good communication might sound something like this:

“I want to have sex with you but I need time to take my pill because my body doesn’t respond the way it used to.”

“I know saying “I took my pill” isn’t foreplay, so can we schedule sex on a particular day of the week? I know we’ll lose some spontaneity, but it will really help me feel more confident when I approach you.”

Communication Pitfalls

If you are in a long-term committed relationship, you know there are times when communication is not the greatest. Sometimes sex during those times can feel like the only way you emotionally connect with one another. When sex suffers along with communication, it can feel like you have no connection at all. Here are some things to remember:

It happens to everybody. There is an entire industry devoted to helping sex stay comfortable and interesting. Not sure where to look? Here are some resources:
Your penis/vagina is fine. Sex is more than an orgasm so explore other ways NST and ST can lead to a satisfying emotional connection. Looking for exercises? Google Sensate Focus for lots of how-tos that can help.
Dating during midlife can be awkward, but doable. Get to know your body and what you need. The more comfortable you are with the things you enjoy, the better you will be able to communicate those needs with a new partner. Explore your own body through masturbation and the links I mentioned above.

Communicating needs is always important, but when it comes to sex, communication is vital. Arguments or emotional cut-offs because of sex are common in mid-life because sex and your changing body can be really hard to talk about. Erectile difficulties, arousal challenges, and lubrication issues due to menopause, are things everyone deals with at some point in their sexual life. If you’re concerned about your sexual health, start with a thorough physical and talk to a mental health professional who specializes in sexual issues. Then get out there and enjoy yourself!

Tags: marriage, relationships, sex
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Life After Layoff

Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

Getting fired sucks.

There is nothing I can say, spin, or summarize that will help you feel good about what just happened to you.

Wait, don’t stop reading! There is something in here for you; I promise.

When the company you gave your blood sweat and tears to decides to let you go, it forces you to take a hard look at yourself. That is rarely a voluntary act. Most of us do not wake up in the morning each day and say to ourselves,

“Self, I’m gonna take a hard look at you today.”

So when it’s time to take that hard look we lack practice. Where we lack practice we feel in over our head. Where we feel in over our head, we feel like we are drowning. And that feels hopeless.

This blog is going to help you make sense of what it means to be fired/let go/given your severance package early, etc. It’s going to help you take that hard look at yourself and get your confidence back. Finally, it’s going to give you tools (what good blog wouldn’t?) so you can go out and get the job of your dreams and feel like yourself again.

Dot Dot Dot

There are only a few people who have taken good, hard, looks at us: Parents, coaches, and lovers. A good hard look is that perfect combination of love and criticism. It is,

“I love you but…” or, “I love you and…”

Those dot-dot-dots are where the landmines are though. In fact, most of the criticism we heard as kids is loaded into those dot-dot-dots. This is where our ‘I DO,’ started to become our, ‘I AM.’

From Mom: I love you but…you’re a slob. You don’t do your homework, and you need to take a shower.”

You hear, “I am a slob, I am a slacker, and I stink.”

From Dad: “[I love you – this is in a bracket because although dad may have never said it, you suspect he did, in fact, love you] but…you’re lazy! If you’d just get out there and practice as hard as (insert sporty friend’s name here) you’d succeed.”

You hear, “I am lazy. I don’t measure up to ___.”

From Coach: “[definitely did not say ‘I love you.’] You sucked this week. Hit the bench. (Insert sporty friend’s name here) get in there for Dipshit.”

You hear, “I am not good enough, I am a Dipshit, I am a failure.”

Lovers (hopefully) gave a kinder look at you during courtship and early commitment phase. I really hope you heard things like,

“I love you and I need you to really notice when the trash has to go out and take care of it before I ask you.”

More likely though, no one ever took a good hard look at you in love.

MIA: Love

This great website called fathers.com reported that when they speak to groups of men, only 3% – 4% of attendees indicate they ever heard “I love you” from their dad [https://fathers.com/featured-resource-center-page/the-power-of-i-love-you-from-dad/]. Rather than a trite cliche, think of this is as a ‘missing loving message.’

Like a computer program trying to execute a task with a missing code, your brain tries to solve the problem of ‘why did I lose my job’ with a missing loving message. The efficient machine that it is, when it fails to find a loving message it simply substitutes the next best thing; the harsh criticism from the people who LOVED you. Just like that (snaps fingers) criticism, evaluation, and performance-based assessments from parents, coaches, and teachers become your inner voice. So just when you needed a shot of confidence, your helpful brain called up that inner voice that reminded you,

“I don’t measure up.”

“I am not good enough.”

“I am a failure.”

I AM Beats I DO

Lucky for you this is a quick fix. Not an easy fix, but a quick one. I’ll go Steven-Covey on you and begin with the end:

Your I AM is more important than your I DO.

Imagine you are driving down the road and you hit a puppy. You’re able to safely pull over so you go see what happened to the little guy. You weren’t going that fast and he was almost across the road but you see he’s going to need some vet attention. You decide you have some time so you take the puppy to a vet.

If this doesn’t sound like you, you’ve stuck with me this long, so keep reading.

This puppy has not done anything to earn another shot at life. It’s not some dog that rescues people from avalanches or a seeing-eye dog, it’s just some mangy puppy that wasn’t fast enough to keep up with its momma and got stuck in the road. You decide that even though it hasn’t done anything heroic or worthy, it deserves a chance to live. Because it breathes, it is worthy; it is valuable; it measures up; it is good enough.

Because it breathes. That’s a pretty low bar on the ‘performance-equals-love’ scale. Now go look in the mirror. Doing or not doing is not what determines your worth and value. You are worthy and valuable because you breathe. Ergo, losing a job cannot strip away your worth and your value.

Lucky for you (and the rest of us), we are all worthy and valuable. Worthy and valuable people can do anything.

Reality Saves the Day

Now that we have that settled it’s time to take that good hard look in love and see what you, worthy and valuable person that you are, can DO.

Get a piece of paper and a pencil. Draw a line down the middle of the paper so there is a left side and a right side. On the left side write, “things I have been criticized for.” This can be anything from you didn’t take the trash out before your partner reminded you to do it, to you struggle to get your TPS reports in on time. On the right side, write down the names you have been called or negative feelings you have had. This is anything from ‘lazy’ to ‘unmotivated’ to ‘uncaring.’

The left side is based in reality. You do struggle with certain things, we all do. The right side is the critical inner voice trying to remind you that it is in charge of your ‘I am’ and your confidence. The object is to re-train your inner voice. Here’s how it works: Lovingly remind yourself that just because you did not notice the trash before your partner did and they took it out while giving you the stink-eye does not make you lazy. It just means you didn’t notice the trash. That is a struggle you can improve. Repeat to yourself,

“I am valuable and worthy and I have struggles I can improve.”

Once you get a robust left side, you can start tackling the struggles and get on with your job search.

The Plan

This is that good hard look we’ve been alluding to. Just imagine if your dad had said,

“I love you and I notice your arm doesn’t always follow through when you throw to first base. I can tell your frustrated because you threw wide in the last game. I’ve got a bucket of balls in the back yard – want to make a few throws to me?”

Game changer.

Loving message? ✅

Validated your feelings (a frustrated kid upset about his throw) and didn’t criticize your I AM? ✅

Identified something you could change and offered a plan? ✅

I promise this blog is NOT a condemnation of your dad. He probably did the best he could just like we all do. This blog IS a place for you to learn something new though, so let’s try it out.

Step 1. Say “I love you” to yourself. I don’t care how cheesy this feels; you have to do this part. Tell yourself “I love you.”

Step 2. Identify how you feel. “I feel anxious and afraid. I’m supposed to make my family feel safe but I’ve lost my job. I feel like I’ve lost my confidence.”

Step 3. Look at reality and identify something you can change. “The company we acquired brought in their own people so I know I wasn’t let go because of my skill set. I have been putting off learning that new system though, and I know I have some new things I can learn.

Step 4: Make a plan. “I’ve been meaning to touch base with [insert the name of CEO buddy here] to see if he knows about any openings in the industry. I’ll give him a call.”

Ask for help

It is important that you make sense of what it meant to lose your job early in the game. The longer it takes you to realize it’s not about you, the longer it’s going to take to lovingly look at yourself and get your confidence back. If the tools in this blog haven’t helped you tap into what you need to get back out there, get the job of your dreams, and feel like yourself again, then make a phone call and get into some counseling. Everything is virtual now and you can literally have the session in your truck. There is no shame in asking for help so do it today and get back on track. You are valuable, you are worthy, and your family needs you.

For more resources check out my friend Dawn Owens and her book “Light After Layoff.”

Tags: balance for life, communication, grief and loss counseling, stress management, what to do for stress
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Let’s Talk About Sex

Monday, January 18th, 2021

Sex has been around a long time. Even typing those words I could feel the double entendre coming on. Wow, this article is going to be hard.

Stop it!

It’s not Communication

So, here’s the problem; sex is an issue that comes up in counseling a lot, but only (usually) after we’ve waded through the first round of ‘we just need help with communication,’ sessions. Once counseling establishes communication is part of the problem but not having sex for three years/suffering through sex/begging for sex is really the issue causing the most pain, we can get down to work. This article will tackle some tough issues. In it you will find that there are no rules, our bodies know best, and sometimes we just need to renegotiate the contract.

Monogamy MOU

Sex within a committed relationship is a personal thing. No one really sits down at ‘relationship inception’ and goes over a memorandum of understanding regarding monogamy. It’s one of the greatest assumptions we all, well, assume. We’re committed now, so that means I only have sex with you and you only have sex with me. Right?

Not so much. According to a completely unscientific poll I found when I Googled monogamy versus non-monogomy, YouGov [https://today.yougov.com/topics/relationships/articles-reports/2020/01/31/millennials-monogamy-poly-poll-survey-data] found that almost one-third of those surveyed said their ideal relationship was non-monogamous to some degree. This is troublesome for those of us looking for the rules of marriage and commitment to save us from troublesome temptations or being the collateral damage of a partner’s indiscretions (as Jada Pinkett Smith calls them). Even though, when asked about how they would feel if a partner came to them wanting to engage in sexual activity with someone else, most survey respondence (67%) said they wouldn’t be okay with this, the writing is on the wall: Rules can’t establish monogamy – only people can.

Wanna Go for a Walk?

Let me offer an example. If I asked you to go on a walk with me, you might think about it and say yes, or think about it and say no. Either way, it is up to you. Let’s imagine that you say “No.” Doesn’t matter why; you just say, “hey Kate, not today. How about tomorrow?” As your friend, I might be sad or disappointed because I really wanted to go on a walk with you, but I’d give you the benefit of the doubt and go on my way.

Now imagine I looked at you, my friend who just seconds before I wanted to walk with me, and started accusing you of not liking me anymore. Or maybe I start throwing things at you like, “you promised you’d walk with me today,” or, “this was a commitment you made to me so you have to come with me,” or, “God’s gonna be mad at you if you don’t walk with me,” or, “fine, then I’ll just go walk with somebody else.”

Even typing those words I felt like a brat.

Why would my friend want to go on a walk with me if I get angry, guilt her, coerce her, and threaten her? I’m no relationship expert (well actually, I am), but it seems like she would start AVOIDING me if I did that to her. You see where I’m going here, right?

There is a Solution

Rules can’t override when our bodies and/or our minds are telling us “No.” If walking is painful, we don’t do it. If our walking buddy is a jerk, we may stop walking with them. If we just don’t feel like walking, we don’t have to.

What about the flip side? What if all I want to do is go on walks and I really like walking with my friend who doesn’t always want to walk with me?

It is the gift of autonomy, free will, “We the People,” whatever you want to call it that allows each and every one of us to choose how, if, when, and with whom, we walk. True friends agree to say things honestly, kindly, and avoid holding grudges. True friends agree to listen and hear things with compassion. Whether you are the one saying ‘no’ or hearing ‘no,’ the question remains: How do you solve the problem in a way that preserves the friendship?

Step 1: Say how you feel. Say it kindly and say it honestly. No defensiveness, no accusing, use lots of reflecting, and do lots of listening.

“I really miss walking with you.”

“I love you and I wish there was another way I could show my love other than walking. I just don’t enjoy it any more.”

Step 2: Be solution-focused and reciprocal-minded (love outside of your comfort zone). If you are the friend who likes to walk all the time, offer to take a day off. If you are the one who avoids walking, offer to walk once in a while or initiate the walk. If that doesn’t work, then,

Step 3. Renegotiate the contract.

Two Paths

Relationships at this point face the proverbial fork in the road. Friends choosing Path One experience emotional turmoil, but ultimately, and surprisingly, they experience healing. If they followed steps one and two, the relationship is preserved, each knows there is love, each knows there is friendship, and neither holds a grudge against the other. Remember, there is healing on Path One.

If either decided being solution-focused and reciprocal-minded meant ‘giving in/sucking up to make the other happy,’ then they have taken steps down Path Two. Relationships can stay on Path Two for a long, long time. Friends on Path Two didn’t choose it because they were enticed by anger and resentment; they were simply avoiding the emotional turmoil that comes before the healing on Path One. For some reason, anger and resentment just seem easier. Or at least justifiable. But that’s a blog for another day.

Healing and Restoration

Giving up rules, trusting our bodies and loving our partners enough to know when it is time to renegotiate the contract can be tough. Honestly it’s probably the toughest thing any of us will ever do. The good news is we are not talking about breaking up! In fact, loving your partner outside of your comfort zone can result in the richest relationship you will ever enjoy.

That’s the goal isn’t it?

Tags: communication, couple, dating, marriage, sex
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