Sex has been around a long time. Even typing those words I could feel the double entendre coming on. Wow, this article is going to be hard.
Stop it!
It’s not Communication
So, here’s the problem; sex is an issue that comes up in counseling a lot, but only (usually) after we’ve waded through the first round of ‘we just need help with communication,’ sessions. Once counseling establishes communication is part of the problem but not having sex for three years/suffering through sex/begging for sex is really the issue causing the most pain, we can get down to work. This article will tackle some tough issues. In it you will find that there are no rules, our bodies know best, and sometimes we just need to renegotiate the contract.
Monogamy MOU
Sex within a committed relationship is a personal thing. No one really sits down at ‘relationship inception’ and goes over a memorandum of understanding regarding monogamy. It’s one of the greatest assumptions we all, well, assume. We’re committed now, so that means I only have sex with you and you only have sex with me. Right?
Not so much. According to a completely unscientific poll I found when I Googled monogamy versus non-monogomy, YouGov [https://today.yougov.com/topics/relationships/articles-reports/2020/01/31/millennials-monogamy-poly-poll-survey-data] found that almost one-third of those surveyed said their ideal relationship was non-monogamous to some degree. This is troublesome for those of us looking for the rules of marriage and commitment to save us from troublesome temptations or being the collateral damage of a partner’s indiscretions (as Jada Pinkett Smith calls them). Even though, when asked about how they would feel if a partner came to them wanting to engage in sexual activity with someone else, most survey respondence (67%) said they wouldn’t be okay with this, the writing is on the wall: Rules can’t establish monogamy – only people can.
Wanna Go for a Walk?
Let me offer an example. If I asked you to go on a walk with me, you might think about it and say yes, or think about it and say no. Either way, it is up to you. Let’s imagine that you say “No.” Doesn’t matter why; you just say, “hey Kate, not today. How about tomorrow?” As your friend, I might be sad or disappointed because I really wanted to go on a walk with you, but I’d give you the benefit of the doubt and go on my way.
Now imagine I looked at you, my friend who just seconds before I wanted to walk with me, and started accusing you of not liking me anymore. Or maybe I start throwing things at you like, “you promised you’d walk with me today,” or, “this was a commitment you made to me so you have to come with me,” or, “God’s gonna be mad at you if you don’t walk with me,” or, “fine, then I’ll just go walk with somebody else.”
Even typing those words I felt like a brat.
Why would my friend want to go on a walk with me if I get angry, guilt her, coerce her, and threaten her? I’m no relationship expert (well actually, I am), but it seems like she would start AVOIDING me if I did that to her. You see where I’m going here, right?
There is a Solution
Rules can’t override when our bodies and/or our minds are telling us “No.” If walking is painful, we don’t do it. If our walking buddy is a jerk, we may stop walking with them. If we just don’t feel like walking, we don’t have to.
What about the flip side? What if all I want to do is go on walks and I really like walking with my friend who doesn’t always want to walk with me?
It is the gift of autonomy, free will, “We the People,” whatever you want to call it that allows each and every one of us to choose how, if, when, and with whom, we walk. True friends agree to say things honestly, kindly, and avoid holding grudges. True friends agree to listen and hear things with compassion. Whether you are the one saying ‘no’ or hearing ‘no,’ the question remains: How do you solve the problem in a way that preserves the friendship?
Step 1: Say how you feel. Say it kindly and say it honestly. No defensiveness, no accusing, use lots of reflecting, and do lots of listening.
“I really miss walking with you.”
“I love you and I wish there was another way I could show my love other than walking. I just don’t enjoy it any more.”
Step 2: Be solution-focused and reciprocal-minded (love outside of your comfort zone). If you are the friend who likes to walk all the time, offer to take a day off. If you are the one who avoids walking, offer to walk once in a while or initiate the walk. If that doesn’t work, then,
Step 3. Renegotiate the contract.
Two Paths
Relationships at this point face the proverbial fork in the road. Friends choosing Path One experience emotional turmoil, but ultimately, and surprisingly, they experience healing. If they followed steps one and two, the relationship is preserved, each knows there is love, each knows there is friendship, and neither holds a grudge against the other. Remember, there is healing on Path One.
If either decided being solution-focused and reciprocal-minded meant ‘giving in/sucking up to make the other happy,’ then they have taken steps down Path Two. Relationships can stay on Path Two for a long, long time. Friends on Path Two didn’t choose it because they were enticed by anger and resentment; they were simply avoiding the emotional turmoil that comes before the healing on Path One. For some reason, anger and resentment just seem easier. Or at least justifiable. But that’s a blog for another day.
Healing and Restoration
Giving up rules, trusting our bodies and loving our partners enough to know when it is time to renegotiate the contract can be tough. Honestly it’s probably the toughest thing any of us will ever do. The good news is we are not talking about breaking up! In fact, loving your partner outside of your comfort zone can result in the richest relationship you will ever enjoy.
That’s the goal isn’t it?
