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Posts Tagged ‘what to do for stress’

Anger Makes You Stupid

Friday, October 15th, 2021

Before you get mad at me or use the title of this article as evidence against a spouse, sibling or child, let me explain. When you are angry your body is merely expressing a fear that has morphed into helplessness and/or attack. We know this as ‘fight or flight’ and of course their cousins ‘freeze and fawn.’ In this state, the autonomic nervous system does that metabolic magic it’s been doing for millennia (thank God) and sucks resources away from things it doesn’t need to do, like digest food and solve jigsaw puzzles, to things it might need to do like see an exit clearly or punch someone in the throat. It’s why during emergencies pilots have checklists and not board meetings.

That jigsaw-solving part of the mind? That’s also the part that allows you to connect with other humans. That means in this state of ‘fear/anger,’ in addition to being unable to think complex thoughts or eat, you can’t empathize. So when you feel angry you tend to be a solo problem solver with limited access to the vast stores of knowledge in your brain that could actually help. In other words, stupid.

This is normal.

You aren’t bad or broken when you are angry. What is troublesome for individuals, couples, and families though, is angry behavior. What I’m going to do in this article is help you recognize the anger so you can hijack it before it becomes behavior you will regret.

Recognize

You must think this is going to be the easiest paragraph I’ve ever written. I mean, everybody recognizes when they’re angry, right? Not so much. First let’s make sure we understand the difference between ‘anger’ and ‘angry behavior.’ Anger is just an emotion and you have no choice. If you feel it, you feel it. Angry behavior on the other hand, is often learned or expressed (or not expressed) based on the situation (think about the last time you were angry but you couldn’t show it because you were in a religious service/around aunt Jenny/in a meeting with your boss).

Angry behavior can be confusing because it doesn’t always look like, well, anger. Sure, it can look like yelling, screaming, throwing things, and violence, but it can also look like:

  • Crying easily
  • Laughter that doesn’t match the situation
  • Silence
  • Annoying behavior
  • Passive aggressiveness

Angry behavior that doesn’t look like angry behavior is what drives family members, friends, and partners of angry people, nuts. That’s why if you truly want to improve your relationships (at least your part in them) you have to do more than just recognize when you are angry; you have to hijack the angry behavior before it happens.

Hijack

After you recognize that you are in fact angry, first things first, congratulate yourself. You just recognized an emotion while you were having an emotion and that is a big deal. Emotions are your body’s way to force you to focus on an object (something outside of yourself) rather than the subject (you). Even if you did nothing else, when you recognize you are indeed angry (this is called validation) you will have hijacked your normal response and you will notice a difference. It will be a subtle shift like a quick breath of air before you go underwater again. This validation of your own anger is the start of the process of changing angry behavior and doing something different.

Do something different

This pause, this quick breath of validation, is crucial because it is the ‘something different’ that can change your life. You may still not be able to solve a jigsaw puzzle and you may still get acid reflux because you’ve stopped digesting your dinner, but now you have a window of opportunity where you are in control of what happens next. Even if you still choose to be a solo problem solver you can involve the people impacted by your anger through productive communication. This conversation can save relationships, save your job, save friendships, and even save your life. It just takes a willingness to change.

Changing your angry behavior will involve words you probably aren’t used to saying so I’ve given you a few examples. I’ve made sure to give you the option to solo-solve, or partner-solve:

Solo solving [you can use your outside voice or inside voice]

  • I realize I’m angry and I need to process a minute.
  • I’m angry and I’m not sure how to respond to that.
  • [In the moment, write down/text yourself] “Bob just did/said __________________and that made me feel really angry.”

Once you say these things either out loud or internally, you can proceed to solo-solve.

Partner solving [outside voice]

  • “I hate it when you say things like that and I need you to stop. If you can’t I’m going to need to take a minute because I’m really angry.”
  • “I’m angry right now and I need you to give me some space. Please don’t follow me or ask me questions. I’ll talk about it after I process.”
  • “When you keep asking me what’s wrong I just get angry so I’m going to go for a drive and try to figure this out. I promise I’ll be safe and talk about it when I get back.”
  • “I know you’re angry with me for (insert behavior here). I’m sorry and I want to make it right. How can I help?”

Remember you aren’t bad or broken if you feel angry; you’re simply reacting from your ‘fight or flight’ response. Angry behavior, on the other hand, can destroy individuals, couples, and families. It might take some time, but rather than try to see an exit clearly or fantasize (or actually) punch someone in the throat, wouldn’t you rather do something that allows you to connect with other humans and find productive solutions? You have vast stores of knowledge in your brain that could actually help. Recognize, hijack, and do something different. Your family needs you. YOU need you.

 

 

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Life After Layoff

Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

man woman grassGetting fired sucks.

There is nothing I can say, spin, or summarize that will help you feel good about what just happened to you.

Wait, don’t stop reading! There is something in here for you; I promise.

When the company you gave your blood sweat and tears to decides to let you go, it forces you to take a hard look at yourself. That is rarely a voluntary act. Most of us do not wake up in the morning each day and say to ourselves,

“Self, I’m gonna take a hard look at you today.”

So when it’s time to take that hard look we lack practice. Where we lack practice we feel in over our head. Where we feel in over our head, we feel like we are drowning. And that feels hopeless.

This blog is going to help you make sense of what it means to be fired/let go/given your severance package early, etc. It’s going to help you take that hard look at yourself and get your confidence back. Finally, it’s going to give you tools (what good blog wouldn’t?) so you can go out and get the job of your dreams and feel like yourself again.

Dot Dot Dot

There are only a few people who have taken good, hard, looks at us: Parents, coaches, and lovers. A good hard look is that perfect combination of love and criticism. It is,

“I love you but…” or, “I love you and…”

Those dot-dot-dots are where the landmines are though. In fact, most of the criticism we heard as kids is loaded into those dot-dot-dots. This is where our ‘I DO,’ started to become our, ‘I AM.’

From Mom: I love you but…you’re a slob. You don’t do your homework, and you need to take a shower.”

You hear, “I am a slob, I am a slacker, and I stink.”

From Dad: “[I love you – this is in a bracket because although dad may have never said it, you suspect he did, in fact, love you] but…you’re lazy! If you’d just get out there and practice as hard as (insert sporty friend’s name here) you’d succeed.”

You hear, “I am lazy. I don’t measure up to ___.”

From Coach: “[definitely did not say ‘I love you.’] You sucked this week. Hit the bench. (Insert sporty friend’s name here) get in there for Dipshit.”

You hear, “I am not good enough, I am a Dipshit, I am a failure.”

Lovers (hopefully) gave a kinder look at you during courtship and early commitment phase. I really hope you heard things like,

“I love you and I need you to really notice when the trash has to go out and take care of it before I ask you.”

More likely though, no one ever took a good hard look at you in love.

MIA: Love

This great website called fathers.com reported that when they speak to groups of men, only 3% – 4% of attendees indicate they ever heard “I love you” from their dad [https://fathers.com/featured-resource-center-page/the-power-of-i-love-you-from-dad/]. Rather than a trite cliche, think of this is as a ‘missing loving message.’

Like a computer program trying to execute a task with a missing code, your brain tries to solve the problem of ‘why did I lose my job’ with a missing loving message. The efficient machine that it is, when it fails to find a loving message it simply substitutes the next best thing; the harsh criticism from the people who LOVED you. Just like that (snaps fingers) criticism, evaluation, and performance-based assessments from parents, coaches, and teachers become your inner voice. So just when you needed a shot of confidence, your helpful brain called up that inner voice that reminded you,

“I don’t measure up.”

“I am not good enough.”

“I am a failure.”

I AM Beats I DO

Lucky for you this is a quick fix. Not an easy fix, but a quick one. I’ll go Steven-Covey on you and begin with the end:

Your I AM is more important than your I DO.

Imagine you are driving down the road and you hit a puppy. You’re able to safely pull over so you go see what happened to the little guy. You weren’t going that fast and he was almost across the road but you see he’s going to need some vet attention. You decide you have some time so you take the puppy to a vet.

If this doesn’t sound like you, you’ve stuck with me this long, so keep reading.

This puppy has not done anything to earn another shot at life. It’s not some dog that rescues people from avalanches or a seeing-eye dog, it’s just some mangy puppy that wasn’t fast enough to keep up with its momma and got stuck in the road. You decide that even though it hasn’t done anything heroic or worthy, it deserves a chance to live. Because it breathes, it is worthy; it is valuable; it measures up; it is good enough.

Because it breathes. That’s a pretty low bar on the ‘performance-equals-love’ scale. Now go look in the mirror. Doing or not doing is not what determines your worth and value. You are worthy and valuable because you breathe. Ergo, losing a job cannot strip away your worth and your value.

Lucky for you (and the rest of us), we are all worthy and valuable. Worthy and valuable people can do anything.

Reality Saves the Day

Now that we have that settled it’s time to take that good hard look in love and see what you, worthy and valuable person that you are, can DO.

Get a piece of paper and a pencil. Draw a line down the middle of the paper so there is a left side and a right side. On the left side write, “things I have been criticized for.” This can be anything from you didn’t take the trash out before your partner reminded you to do it, to you struggle to get your TPS reports in on time. On the right side, write down the names you have been called or negative feelings you have had. This is anything from ‘lazy’ to ‘unmotivated’ to ‘uncaring.’

The left side is based in reality. You do struggle with certain things, we all do. The right side is the critical inner voice trying to remind you that it is in charge of your ‘I am’ and your confidence. The object is to re-train your inner voice. Here’s how it works: Lovingly remind yourself that just because you did not notice the trash before your partner did and they took it out while giving you the stink-eye does not make you lazy. It just means you didn’t notice the trash. That is a struggle you can improve. Repeat to yourself,

“I am valuable and worthy and I have struggles I can improve.”

Once you get a robust left side, you can start tackling the struggles and get on with your job search.

The Plan

This is that good hard look we’ve been alluding to. Just imagine if your dad had said,

“I love you and I notice your arm doesn’t always follow through when you throw to first base. I can tell your frustrated because you threw wide in the last game. I’ve got a bucket of balls in the back yard – want to make a few throws to me?”

Game changer.

Loving message? ✅

Validated your feelings (a frustrated kid upset about his throw) and didn’t criticize your I AM? ✅

Identified something you could change and offered a plan? ✅

I promise this blog is NOT a condemnation of your dad. He probably did the best he could just like we all do. This blog IS a place for you to learn something new though, so let’s try it out.

Step 1. Say “I love you” to yourself. I don’t care how cheesy this feels; you have to do this part. Tell yourself “I love you.”

Step 2. Identify how you feel. “I feel anxious and afraid. I’m supposed to make my family feel safe but I’ve lost my job. I feel like I’ve lost my confidence.”

Step 3. Look at reality and identify something you can change. “The company we acquired brought in their own people so I know I wasn’t let go because of my skill set. I have been putting off learning that new system though, and I know I have some new things I can learn.

Step 4: Make a plan. “I’ve been meaning to touch base with [insert the name of CEO buddy here] to see if he knows about any openings in the industry. I’ll give him a call.”

Ask for help

It is important that you make sense of what it meant to lose your job early in the game. The longer it takes you to realize it’s not about you, the longer it’s going to take to lovingly look at yourself and get your confidence back. If the tools in this blog haven’t helped you tap into what you need to get back out there, get the job of your dreams, and feel like yourself again, then make a phone call and get into some counseling. Everything is virtual now and you can literally have the session in your truck. There is no shame in asking for help so do it today and get back on track. You are valuable, you are worthy, and your family needs you.

For more resources check out my friend Dawn Owens and her book “Light After Layoff.”

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Infidelity, Hunger, and Bank Robbery: Emotions Make Terrible Drivers

Thursday, April 30th, 2020

Crime and Empathy

I cannot know what it is like to rob a bank. Or, maybe I can, but I haven’t yet. I do, however, know what it is like to press my right foot against the gas pedal a little harder, to consciously look away from my speedometer, to cast glances at my rear-view and side-view mirrors for police, and to mentally practice the, “My husband was supposed to get my speedometer fixed officer. It’s been off five miles per hour for months,” speech.

I know what it’s like to want something so badly, even if it is just to get to  Trader Joe’s before it closes or to my daughter’s volleyball practice so the coach won’t count her late, that I cheat a little. This little nugget of self-realization means while I truly don’t know the urge to rob a bank, as a human with my own law-breaking nature, I can’t look down my nose at the person who does.

Hangry and Lonely

Urge (and its cousin crave) is a funny word. In Alcoholics Anonymous and Allanon we use the acronym H.A.L.T. to describe typical urges. The acronym stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When I work with clients I often add ‘thirst’ and ‘need to potty’ to that list. Urges are good things and key to our survival. If I am hungry, I need to eat. If I postpone eating, I won’t get less hungry as time goes by. In fact, I will grow more hungry and until I eat, I will enlist my emotions to make that happen. Unfortunately emotions are terrible behavior drivers.

For example let’s say I skip lunch and arrive home from work and see my kids’ toys in the driveway. Hungry now looks like anger and I yell at my kids about their toys. Once I eat, all is well with the world. Another example might be, what if I am a shy person and I feel lonely much of the time. I don’t recognize lonely but I do recognize the chocolate cake in my fridge. Instead of calling a friend (which is hard for me) I eat a chocolate cake. The result? I get a  wonderful  endorphin/serotonin hit from the cake but when I crash, I’m still lonely. I may never be brave enough to phone a friend, but I don’t have to be. I know where the cake is.

Urges and Healthy Behaviors

Emotions and urges are brothers-in-arms.  They are designed to work with cognition (our thoughts) to initiate behavior that keeps us healthy.  Go back to my ‘need to potty’ urge and see what I mean. You’re having a lovely conversation with the queen when your lunch begins to turn somersaults in your tummy. You know avoiding this urge is an invitation to disaster so you think of an excuse to politely exit the conversation and go take care of yourself. Rule of thumb? The longer you fight the urges, the sicker you become.

Counseling is about teaching our clients the language for urges so they can match them up with helpful thoughts and behaviors.  Like a miles-long contrail in the sky indicates there is a tiny jet way up there somewhere, infidelity, restricting food, or substance abuse are signs of underlying unmet urges. Unmet urges indicates there’s a lot of pain in there.

Where there is pain there is impulsivity, over-indulgence, restricting, and even healthy-looking things like high performance discipline routines, super healthy eating (orthorexia) and over training (follow David Goggins, author of Can’t Hurt Me if you don’t believe me). Over-ANYTHING can be a sign you have unmet urges (suffering) that you are trying to meet with behavior that completely misses the target. Welcome to humanity.

Healthy Humans

When you make an appointment, counselors don’t judge you because we’ve all been there. We all have urges we’ve allowed to dictate our speed, our relationships, and our health. Your counselor’s job?

  1. Help the hurting identify underlying emotions so they can
  2. Disconnect unhealthy responses to normal emotions and
  3. Reconnect something that IS healthy and will positively affect their job, relationships, health, and freedom.

If you are struggling, you must take care of yourself. Need help? Worried about your own unhealthy behavior? Call a counselor today.

 

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Getting the Most From Therapy: Sleep Better

Friday, August 7th, 2015

Coming to therapy is a big decision. Individuals come to therapy for personal marriage, and family issues. Therapy works because of the relationship between you and your counselor. She will help you achieve insight by showing you roadblocks holding you back, and thinking errors keeping you stuck.

Whether you are coming to therapy for yourself, your marriage, or a family member, you will get the most out of your time and money if you commit to work both during your sessions and on your own. Take time to make small changes and talk to your therapist if you are not getting the results you want. While there are no guarantees, therapy often leads to better relationships, solutions to specific problems, and significant reductions in feelings of distress. Here are some week-by-week tips for getting the most from your therapy:

Week 1
Start cutting back on caffeine and get a journal. Cut simple sugars from your diet. Take a walk outdoors. Make an appointment for a physical.

Week 2
Cut caffeine from your diet and add something healthy. Each day walk outdoors and write something in your journal you are thankful for.

Week 3
Start a bedtime routine. One hour before bedtime take a warm bath or shower. Thirty minutes before cut out TV and computer. Five minutes before breathe and relax.

Week 4
Help someone in need. Give your time at a soup kitchen, meals on wheels, or a thrift shop.

Want more detail? Check out or 30 day transformation. It’s a FREE download here.

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Alcohol Addiction Help during the Holidays: Attending an Addiction Support Group, Seeing an Addiction Therapist

Friday, December 21st, 2012

The holidays are a special time of year when people take time to focus on others, give thanks for what they have, and give to those in need. While it is easy to get caught up in the holiday festivities those in recovery from addiction understand the importance of self-care. Developing a holiday recovery plan will help individuals avoid relapse by ensuring recovery activities are scheduled into each day.
A holiday recovery plan is all about dealing with additional stress, balancing the extra activities involved with the holidays, and managing ‘high risk’ situations. The first step in any good holiday recovery plan would be to check the calendar for upcoming events. Make sure high-risk situations like family gatherings or office parties are limited both in number and time spent participating. Likewise schedule more recovery activities such as AA or NA group meetings, exercising, meditating, or professional counseling sessions.
Even the best-laid plans are not perfect so urges to use are normal. Family, memories, parties, finances, crowds, and even the additional commercials advertising alcohol may trigger urges to use. When managing urges, it is important for individuals to remember how easily inappropriate reactions to high-risk situations can turn into a relapse. Completing a daily inventory at the end of each day can help you stay on track. Reflecting each evening on thoughts, feelings, urges, reactions, and actions can help you gain awareness, knowledge, and skills needed for a continued successful recovery. Even evaluating the triggers that lead to past holiday relapses can provide valuable information about navigating this year’s holiday calendar.
Those with addiction can successfully navigate the holidays by starting with a holiday recovery plan. By carefully planning recovery activities, reducing high-risk situations, and being mindful of ‘what works’ you can have a relapse-fee holiday!

 

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How Classroom Routines for Children Provide Security in their Daily Education

Sunday, October 7th, 2012

This is the first of a four-part series that examines the importance of rituals in our lives. This article will examine the daily rituals that we all take for granted, as we often fail to recognize their role in keeping us grounded. It is important to know “routine” definition. A routine is a sequence of actions regularly followed, or a fixed program. These daily rituals are particularly significant as children start school, when parents adjust schedules to accommodate the changes from a more flexible summer routine to the more demanding requirements of a daily education program.

Our schools are very rich in the usage of rituals. The day begins with morning announcements, the children have certain times and routines for classes, recess, lunch, etc. Have you ever observed routines for children throughout their day at school, including the classroom routines? They know exactly what to anticipate the moment they walk in the door. There is a place for their backpacks, jackets, supplies. They know when they are supposed to take out materials from their desks, open books, etc. In order for rituals to be effective, they have to be meaningful, so the rituals in the schools and classrooms provide a security for the children as they become comfortable knowing what to expect. Have you ever listened to a child explain that they had a substitute teacher? You can tell from the child’s voice that the routine was different. Have you ever heard a child explain that they had music that day rather than PE? It is significant for them, because it is a change in what they expected.

As schools create daily rituals for children, it is also crucial for parents to use rituals in the home to provide that same sense of “grounding.’ Getting up at the same time, going to bed at the same time, reading books together, doing homework at specified times, etc. Children want and need that security that rituals provide them.
Surprise yourself and make a list of all the daily rituals that you have provided for your family.

Next month we will examine those rituals that families create for special occasions such as birthdays.

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Getting Ready for School

Tuesday, August 7th, 2012

About this time of year the talk amongst parents of school age children turns to bedtime rituals, earth-friendly lunch containers, and shopping for school supplies. Not to be outdone, we at achievebalance.org decided to dedicate an article to the top 10 ways parents can smooth the transition from summer to fall. Supporting your child from a youth mental health standpoint is all about making sure your child is equipped with knowing the ropes Here is the top ten countdown for mentally getting ready for school this fall:

10. If you are transitioning your child to a new school, take time to visit the campus and ask for a tour.

9. Find out what kind of food is served in the cafeteria and allowed for snacks. Many schools have a policy against nuts and foods of minimal value (FMV).

8. Call the bus facility if your child is a bus rider to see what the commute time is in the morning and afternoon. Help your child prepare if the commute is long and the weather is extreme.

7. Create your list of emergency contacts. Schools always ask for them and its good for your child to know who may pick them up if you can’t. Teach your child never to go with anyone who is not on this list.

6. Donate to the local backpack/school supply drive while you are picking up your own supplies.

5. Talk to other parents about age-appropriate bedtimes. Everyone doesn’t have to be the same but it will be much easier to get your kids to go to bed on time if everyone in their group of friends has close to the same bedtime.

4. Check the school handbook before you go clothes shopping. Most schools without uniforms have rules about school clothes.

3. Get your child’s input on school lunch ideas.

2. If your child is having anxiety about the start of school or has trouble separating from you, check your own attitude and make sure you don’t seem fearful too.

1. Celebrate the end of summer and the start of school by doing something fun! Make it a new tradition you and your child can look forward to.

Parent, child, school…success!

Dr. Kate Walker Ph.D. is owner and CEO of achievebalance.org found in The Woodlands TX.

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Coping Strategies for Stress: The Consequences of Stress and How to Overcome Stress

Monday, May 14th, 2012

I’d like you to imagine an adorable two year old. Now imagine that two year old poking your arm because she wants a cookie. Think to yourself, ‘it’s not so bad, she’ll stop soon,’ or something like that. The poking goes on and on for days. Then weeks. Then years.

Ridiculous, isn’t it? Most of us would manage the little darling’s behavior right away. Whether she got a cookie or a time out, I bet you wouldn’t just allow her to keep poking you!

Stress, like the terrible twos, can’t just be ignored. When you don’t take an active role in managing your stress, the hormones secreted in conjunction with the stress reaction never really subside. While the exact link between stress and illness isn’t always clear, we can say with confidence that stress is a factor in many common illnesses.

What are the consequences of stress and its impact on a body? The first things you might notice are the physical symptoms. You experience stomach aches, your shoulders are tight, or you have more migraine headaches. Perhaps you’re tired all the time, you have trouble sleeping, your appetite changes, or you’re just not as active as you used to be. You might even have unexplained pain.

Whether you are ‘marrying someone or burying someone’ your body interprets any change as stress. The goal is not to eliminate stress, but rather to develop coping strategies for stress manage and cope with the stress that is an inevitable part of life, and avoid stressors like toxic relationships and work environments. If you are having trouble with how to overcome stress or how to eliminate stress from your life, and you are already noticing the physical and emotional changes, it may be time to ask for help.

Some good resources are the Mayo Clinic’s guide to coping with work stress http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/coping-with-stress/SR00030 and the Centers for Disease Control’s guide to coping with stress due to violence and injury http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pub/coping_with_stress_tips.html.

Dr. Kate Walker Ph.D. is owner and CEO of achievebalance.org found in The Woodlands TX. 

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